sarcasm or reality i dont know

'This Is The Happiest Day Of My Life,' Lies Man Holding BabyFebruary 7, 2009 | Issue 45•06

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/this_is_the_happiest_day_of_my

06.07.06
PASADENA, CA—Looking out at a sea of expectant faces, new father Dan Rudloff commemorated the birth of his daughter, Elizabeth, by holding the small, vulnerable child in his arms and blurting out a series of lies and half-truths about how happy he was at that moment.


New father Dan Rudloff tries to express joy while realizing he will never ever be able to get that boat.
"Oh my God," said Rudloff, staring down at the squalling, vernix-covered infant who will depend on him for everything from eating, to bathing, to keeping her head upright. "She's beautiful." Realizing he was now forever tethered to this utterly helpless new life, responsible for its shelter, upbringing, education, safety, and all related expenses for the next 18—or, perhaps more accurately, 25—years, Rudloff rattled off a series of patently false pleasantries about being overjoyed with his new baby girl. The 32-year-old property manager even managed to form his lips into the strained approximation of a smile, despite suffering through near-constant visions of dropping the fragile baby or accidentally squishing her delicate internal organs with his clumsy, brutish hands.

According to onlookers, Rudloff took the resulting lull in conversation as an opportunity to shift his gaze from his wailing progeny and stare into his wife's opiate-sedated eyes, at which point the two shared the knowing glance that comes only with the realization that your days of selfish solitude, unrestrained drinking, sleeping in until noon, and enjoying any semblance of independence are now forever gone. After taking several deep breaths to maintain his composure, Rudloff came up with another sentiment he thought was expected of him "This is the greatest day of my life," Rudloff said in an apparent attempt to convince friends and family of his delight so he could sit down, drink a glass of water, and gather his thoughts. "I've never been happier."

In fact, records indicate the new father had been happier on several occasions in the past month alone, usually following a satisfying meal. Records also suggest the greatest day of his life actually involved a particularly fun round of miniature golf that ended with the coital act that resulted in the child he was† now holding. Nevertheless, Rudloff continued to grasp for more happy words to conceal his trepidation at not being able to casually leave the house for the next 13 years without making provisions for his daughter. "This is so…," said Rudloff, thinking "nightmarish nightmarish nightmarish" as tears began to well in his eyes. "I never thought this day would actually come. I'm—I'm speechless."

Thus fulfilling the first of thousands upon thousands of new fatherly obligations, Rudloff posed for a picture.Though not a habitual liar, Rudloff has skirted the truth to meet social expectations on previous occasions. Late last year, he expressed gratitude to his mother-in-law after receiving a Scottish sweater for Christmas; and from the ages of 14 to 16, he feigned an interest in playing JV football.

After estimating that he had held her for an adequate amount of time, Rudloff quickly scanned the room to find a suitable candidate to whom he could relinquish control of the infant before he completely lost it right there in front of everyone he knew.I can't imagine doing anything greater than this with my life," said the hapless father, hoping against hope that his daughter would not retain the memory of his trembling arms and grow to resent him, leaving home at 15 to cover her body in tattoos and piercings and hitchhike around the country, bedding any random trucker whose arms would give her the feeling of protection she never received from her worthless dad. "Here you go, honey." Satisfied with his masquerade of cheerfulness, Rudloff gingerly handed the infant back to his wife.

"I'm so proud of you," Dana Rudloff said while thinking about an old college boyfriend she broke up with who went on to become a successful software designer. "You'll make a great father."

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I just post the stories, for interest.. for everyone

Lord, what fools these mortals be!
- A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act III, Scene ii

Voltaire said: "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities."

H.L.Mencken wrote:"The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.”

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. Albert Einstein

Brilliant.

The Onion is satirical (although often on point, as here). I'd highly recommend it for comedy. They once had a point/counterpoint type column argument between a humidifier and a dehumidifier that makes me laugh every time I think about it!

reality is frequently worse than anyone can imagine

*********************************************************************************************************************************
I just post the stories, for interest.. for everyone

Lord, what fools these mortals be!
- A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act III, Scene ii

Voltaire said: "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities."

H.L.Mencken wrote:"The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.”

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. Albert Einstein

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0699/homeschool.html parody

Mrs. Billy (Tammy-Jo) Jenkins, Christain Homemaker and Proud Homeschooler, has initiated a project by which students will be 'Homeschooled' in an environment free of the Devil's influences. The "Homeschooling Are Children" project, would be a little bit like Vacation Bible School, only it would last for an entire year. We'll let Tammy-Jo explain it to you.
"I like many of you alls got real scared by the secular stuff that was been teached to are children in them public schools and the unChristain stuff that was being rammed down there little throwts. Well the Lord called me, Tammy-Jo, to take maters into my own hand and to do something about all them lies our children are teached. Did you know that a teacher is allowed to talk about ungodly people like Einstein (a Jew) and Darwin (a liar) but our not allowed to spend the hole day reading Bible stories to are youngsters? That is why I started Landover’s “Homeschooling Are Children Project” to protect are youngins from dangerous secular humanist garbage been teached in public schools -- like physics and biology.

Are childrens good education is bout the most important thing we can give them all. So why whould anyone trust it to nonChristains and other Satanic types? I think I speak with some authority when I say that public schools our no place to teach children. I know that I, Tammy-Jo, got so disgusted with what was being teached as “fact” by nonChristains that Jesus Christ Himself called me out of school at the age 15 to be a mother insteed of even bothering to waste yet one more year in the 8th grade. He in His mercy spared me from occultist subjects like foreign tongues (French) and occult animal sacrifices (frog dissection).

Now I am hearing Jesus’s call again to become a teacher so that I can make sure that my 6 white children are not polluted by been told that they come from some apes. Yes it is shocking but it is true as can be!

I have being asked by the Landover Ladies Committee, with a grant from Mrs. Betty Bowers’ Bringing Integrity To Christian Homemakers, to teach Christain Reading and Christain Writting. Our you real good at something? We our currently looking for someone to teach Christain Arithmetic (which proves that the world is bout 6,000 years old by adding up all the “begets”) and Christain Logic (so far no takers).

One thing I can promise you – their WILL be prayer in OUR school! ALL the time!! And NO black trenchcoats, harlotty make-up or things pierced! And our children will learn to WRITE RIGHT! Hallelujah!"

*********************************************************************************************************************************
I just post the stories, for interest.. for everyone

Lord, what fools these mortals be!
- A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act III, Scene ii

Voltaire said: "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities."

H.L.Mencken wrote:"The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.”

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. Albert Einstein

Made prisoner by the watching society. (And his own personal mistake, too.)

(shakes head.)

bump

The Onion started in my town, and is indeed satirical. I know several of the writers, and the majority of them are child-free. They had a great story several years ago about SIDS deaths being caused by mothers who don't love their babies enough. Some of the complaint letters were high-larious.

Landover Baptist is also a very brilliant satire. My favorite article was titled something like "Tampons: Satan's Cotton Fingers"

"It truly is the one commonality that every designation of humans you can think of has, there's at least one asshole."
--Me

true, westboro baptists worse than anything landover can make up. when life and satire get harder to seperate thats the funniest part.

is life just pure satire? LOL

*********************************************************************************************************************************
I just post the stories, for interest.. for everyone

Lord, what fools these mortals be!
- A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act III, Scene ii

Voltaire said: "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities."

H.L.Mencken wrote:"The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.”

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. Albert Einstein

Quote
Feh
The Onion started in my town, and is indeed satirical. I know several of the writers, and the majority of them are child-free. They had a great story several years ago about SIDS deaths being caused by mothers who don't love their babies enough. Some of the complaint letters were high-larious.

I remember that SIDS story: here it is. I read somewhere that they got more highly indignant letters from that story than any other.

i prefer the office ninja story myself


http://www.theonion.com/content/node/39001

*********************************************************************************************************************************
I just post the stories, for interest.. for everyone

Lord, what fools these mortals be!
- A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act III, Scene ii

Voltaire said: "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities."

H.L.Mencken wrote:"The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.”

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. Albert Einstein