Sterilization -- advice??

I am in my early twenties and strongly considering sterilization, if I can find a doctor to perform Essure. I'm originally from the Bible belt but will be moving to a large city further north within several months, and I am hoping that I will be lucky and find an open minded doctor there.

My fiance is considerably older and went in for a consultation for a vasectomy. Doc gave him the green light, but DF had scheduling conflicts with the original surgery date and never rescheduled the procedure. He's made some comments as of late that have led me to believe that he may wimp out on me; he's afraid of complications (which I sympathize with) and losing his "manhood" and other such nonsense (gag, I know -- but like I said, he's old, and an ex-Catholic to boot).

I am starting to have second thoughts about his getting snipped as well. If we split up, I know that he would have a hard time finding a female in his preferred age group that didn't want to breed, and I don't want to deny him a future spouse. He's said that he doesn't want more children (he has two from a previous marriage -- they live with their moo), but I know that if some nice girl wanted to spit out his babies, he'd give in to her, and I wouldn't begrudge him that.

I am 100% certain that I do not want kids and it's incredibly frustrating that DF is dragging his feet. Should I push for a vasectomy, or possibly spend the next 5-10 years trying to find a willing doctor to sterilize me? I don't want him to hate me forever, but I do NOT want to get knocked up either. I have had trouble finding a "reliable" method of BC (can't use hormonal methods, hate diaphragms/cervical caps/etc. and barrier methods). We're using withdrawal, which has been effective for the past year, but I want a foolproof method.

First of all, do not trust withdrawal. It CANNOT be relied upon. Even if he withdrawals "on time", there is a reasonably good chance of some sperm leaking out during the act, and yes, it can get you pregnant.

It is kind of sad that he's dragging his feet on the vasectomy given that it is so much more straightforward (due to his age, childed status, and his plumbing) for him to get sterilized, than for you. However, you certainly can't make him. I hope that your fiance truly is CF, like you, and isn't dragging his feet because at some level he's not sure that he's really done fathering children. If it really is about fear of losing his manhood, or fear of pain, you can refer him to websites and other places with information about the aftermath of vasectomy. Maybe he can even talk to some other guys who've had the procedure and can convince him that there's really nothing to worry about.

However, your best bet is probably to do the footwork to find someone who will sterilize you, even though you're young. Somewhere there must be someone willing to do it. Offer to sign a consent form. Offer to wait for a waiting period. Do whatever it takes to convince the doctor that you will not change your mind and sue them later.

I guess that's the only advice I have. Good luck!

Hi valensetvolens, I do not know the small details of your relationship but I will give you a piece of advice: do what you want to do and, if possible, do not rely on others but yourself if, as you say, you are 100% certain of what you want.
I am having my vasectomy in a week and a half, I am 29 and I can tell you several things about the decision:

- All the losing-my-manhood business is nonsense and a lame excuse. It is a vasectomy, not castration.

- I am doing it because, for a million reasons, I do not want to reproduce and there is no woman on this planet (I do not care how special she thinks she might be) who can change a thing. I am childfree, not a fence-sitter. And do not even talk about reversals, this is my life and the way I want to live it. If I wanted to reverse it I would not do it in the first place, just common sense.

- If you are having second thoughts about him going under surgery in case of a hypothetical split you are close to the answer you seek.

- If you do not trust/like other methods of BC go for permanent sterilisation if you are sure you do not want children in your life but, please, forget withdrawal. It is a dangerous lottery and one day you might be the winner... :bdid

- Regarding doctors luck plays its part, but it is also important your psychological profile. If the doctor sees you are an adult and you know exactly what you want and s/he is not some kind of religious zealot, things are much easier. In my case the only question asked was: are you sure? That simple. If you really want it go for it, even if you have to visit several doctors.

- Valens et volens: fit and willing. What else do you need?

I hope this helps. :beer

In your 20's, childless and not married? Good fucking luck. I've been trying to find a doctor to do it since I was 18. I'm 25. You'll either get laughed at, told "you'll change your mind someday", or just flat out refused- all without question. They won't even consider it for a second. Even if you're in your 30's and married, it's not bloody likely unless you have at least 2 kids (what I've been told every time).

Why does it always seem easier for men to get fixed? Is it just me, or do doctors take men more seriously when they say they don't want kids? I feel for you with your fiance. Mine, too, is dragging his feet. His excuse? He doubts that any doctor would give him a vasectomy. Nevermind the fact that he hasn't tried, and certainly hasn't bothered to look into it. He completely ignores me when I tell him what I've read about men having an easier time- even unmarried, childless men.

No matter. If he decides he wants kids, he's not getting them from me. I've made that perfectly clear. But it kinda hurts that, even though he knows how terrified I am of getting pregnant, that I suffered terribly when I did get pregnant, and that the last abortion I had was the most pain I'd felt in my life, he still refuses to try. (/hijack)

I'm 25, and I've been approved for Essure. At this point I'm just waiting for my procedure to be scheduled at my doctor's outpatient clinic. I found my doctor through Essure's website. Use the website as a reference, and if you have several choices from there, I'd go with whichever one seems to perform the procedure the most often. My doctor's clinic is an all-female practice (i.e. no men at all work there) and they were absolutely wonderful about treating me with dignity and not questioning me about my decision.

Tell them that you're afraid of children. Tell them something horrible runs in your family and you're terrified of passing it on to your own kids. Tell them you feel strongly about adoption. Tell them that if you do get pregnant, you will get an abortion right away. Tell them whatever they need to hear to agree to do the procedure. Throw a fit if you have to.

Good luck.

I just looked up my GYN and found out she is no longer an OB. Interesting.

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"I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell"

:eatu

I'm rather intrigued by Essure. I'll be 30 in a few weeks, and am really thinking I'd like to get this done. My only concern is about my menstrual flow, as birth control pills have made it really light and easy. I'm worried my flow would become heavier off the pills. Do you know if this is the case, Portiabella?

Pills work well for me, and I don't mind taking them, but the very idea of a permanent procedure is so appealing to me because it marks the triumphant blockage of any possibility I'd become pregnant. And this makes me very, very happy.

i say if you WANT it, YOU get it.

its your body, your choice,, if you dont want kids, ensure that you dont.

dont give that choice to anyone else. Take responsibility for your own reproductive organs, They are yours to do with what you wish.

Women have fought for the rights of their own bodies. take control off it now.

its got nothing to do with him, if he wants it he should get it, if you want it you should get it. if he doesnt want a vasectomy there is nothing you can do to force him and vice versa.

Your Choice, Your Body,

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catlover
I'm rather intrigued by Essure. I'll be 30 in a few weeks, and am really thinking I'd like to get this done. My only concern is about my menstrual flow, as birth control pills have made it really light and easy. I'm worried my flow would become heavier off the pills. Do you know if this is the case, Portiabella?

All I can tell you is my own experience. I started the pill because I had periods from hell, with heavy flow and cramps that were unbearable. The pill fixed it for me, and I was nervous to stop taking them. I went off them for awhile (my prescription ran out and I didn't have insurance at the time) and my periods were the same that they had been when I was on the pill. The pill changed my body chemistry enough that I didn't have painful periods anymore, even once the hormones were out of my system.

Since there is the tiniest little chance that you can still get pregnant with Essure, I'm planning on continuing my pill until my husband gets The Snip. My doctor said that Essure and the pill combined should make the odds of pregnancy so astronomically small that I wouldn't have anything to worry about. She called our planned Essure and vasectomy combination "overkill" but I'd rather be guilty of overkill than a parent.

Thanks, Portiabella! When I am off the pill for a month, my flow returns to cramp/heavy flow hell, so it's good to know that I could actually continue the pill with Essure.

And yes, overkill is good. Especially when it ensures that there will never be a possibility of pregnancy and that it allows both partners in this relationship to have made the commitment to being cf a permanent one.