'My husband came into the delivery room, we haven't made love since'

Captcha YUKKT

'My husband came into the delivery room, we haven't made love since': Welcome to Rowan Pelling's new sex advice column
By Rowan Pelling

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1145965/My-husband-came-delivery-room-havent-love-Welcome-new-sex-advice-column.html

The former Erotic Review magazine editor answers your sex questions...QUESTION: My husband came into the birthing room with me when we had our baby girl. It was a pretty traumatic birth which lasted more than 24 hours. As you can imagine, he saw me in various strange positions as well as in extreme pain. Nine months on we still have not had sex. He says that he can no longer see me in the same way after experiencing the trauma of the birth, plus I am now ‘the mother of his child’. But I don’t want to be the Virgin Mary. Please help.

ANSWER: Many a woman will be nodding her head in recognition at this scenario. I had a traumatic labour, followed by an emergency Caesarean section, five years ago.My husband was in such shock afterwards that he couldn’t even phone relatives to say the baby had been born. And this is a man who has birthed lambs in his time and is one of the least squeamish people I know.

There is no doubt that opening up the delivery room to men has been a mixed blessing.

For every man happily pointing a video camera at his wife’s nether regions and urging her to breathe, there are ten others feeling far more ambivalent about their role in the labour room. One or two would pay good money to be down the pub until a phone call brought them good news, much like their forebears. But there’s so much pressure for men to be bedside in the labour ward that it’s hard for dissenting males to opt out.

While I am glad my husband was there when my sons were born, by the time of the second delivery I had learned that it would be kinder to keep him out of the room for much of the process — this was made easier by the fact it was a home-birth, and he could busy himself in another room until things had progressed.

Studies into birth trauma suffered by men are still in their infancy, but they suggest the problem is far more serious than previously acknowledged. Rowan Pelling helps a couple who have not had sex since the birth of their child nine months ago (file picture)
In your specific case, it seems clear that your husband was traumatised by what he witnessed. First of all you need to untangle precisely what aspect of maternity and delivery he found most threatening. Did you, for example, enjoy an active sex life during pregnancy?

Some women do not feel like having sex while they are expecting. This can start the process by which a man feels his wife is the baby’s territory, rather than his. However, it’s equally possible that a man can go off sex during pregnancy, feeling that his wife has been transfigured into some kind of untouchable Madonna. If either of these scenarios are true, then it’s likely that the process of you becoming a mother is the real issue here, rather than the birth itself.

Added to this, if you have been totally fixated on your baby for the past nine months, your husband may feel displaced. I remember holding my first son and murmuring, within my husband’s earshot: ‘Is this the man that mummy’s going to love most in her life?’

It’s easy to forget that your spouse may be pining for that torch-beam of pure love to be shone on him.

And if the baby sleeps in the bed or right by your side, as mine did, then he may feel further ousted. You need to talk to your husband and find out what’s bothering him the most. My guess from what you say is that it is the delivery itself and memories of you in great pain.

If this is deep-rooted, he will need counselling.

But in the first instance I would suggest you make a concerted attempt to show him that just as you metamorphosised into a mother, so you can transform back into his lover.

I remember an old schoolfriend hitting the roof about nine months after her first child was born when her mother said: ‘Darling, don’t you think it would be nice if you put on a bit of lipstick for Charlie?’

But the truth was that this former vamp had abandoned her primping so utterly that her husband felt dejected.

Her mum took the child for a night and my friend donned a little black dress and, yes, killer red lipstick. The couple went on a date and bingo! Sex life restored.

Her spouse needed to know that somewhere inside that bundle of maternal love, nappies and sick, you could still find the torrid, beating heart of a sex kitten.

I have to say that in my eight years editing the Erotic Review magazine, and talking to many women who experienced similar impasses, I always found that stockings and suspenders could work wonders.

Few things on the planet are less maternal than a woman in a black, lacy garter-belt!

I know it seems hardly credible that such a simplistic approach can work — but men are often simple creatures when it comes to sex. They simply crave a little basic seduction.

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I just post the stories, for interest.. for everyone

Lord, what fools these mortals be!
- A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act III, Scene ii

Voltaire said: "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities."

H.L.Mencken wrote:"The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.”

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. Albert Einstein

This is not the first time I've heard this....True Dad confessions had them all the time.

Twenty bucks says he's bangin' somebody else. I've read TDC, too, and I still remember one line of a father's confession quite vividly: "like feeding a whale a tic-tac". No wonder they don't want to fuck their wives. No amount of kegels will fix the damage wrought by shitting a large watermelon out of your cunt. Sure, the vagina is elastic, but I daresay there are limits. Not to mention that birth, contrary to popular belief, is not a beautiful thing. It is nasty and ugly and gross, and no man (well, no psychologically normal man) would want to see that coming out of something that used to be a source of pleasure and arousal!

There's a reason why, in old times, men were not allowed into the birthing rooms and why women traditionally delivered babies...

Heh...I call it being sane. Most men do not want to see the source of their pleasure being torn stem to stern; these are creatures who are only used to things going into said source, not things being pushed out. It's a sort of "does not compute" kind of thing. And the whole act of the baby replacing the husband is sadly common...just about as common as women who have shit-fits when they completely neglect their men for the baby and said men go and find nookie elsewhere. A guy shouldn't have to cheat to get his wife's attention away from Junior, but usually that's what it takes.

And I love this line:

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...feeling that his wife has been transfigured into some kind of untouchable Madonna

That's being delicate. Why don't they just come right out and say it? Men are repulsed when their wives become disgustingly fat, pukey and a hundred times more bitchy. They watch these women they loved become hormonal monsters, and to a man, this can be scary and depressing.

The TRUTH hit the duhs right between their eyes, unfortunate to say.

BTW, it was Nature's powerful message that sex had done its JOB, so better back off.

Besides, the moo is now baybee/milk machine, so she isn't meant to be sexy for awhile.

But when the moo's done with Junior, duh can dive into bed with her to produce Little Brother/Sister for Junior.

Then the cycle starts all over again.larious

I'm a firm believer that people should be aware of what they are getting into when it comes to birth, its amazing how many people have no clue. (Like these dads).

So, over the weekend at my DFs family gathering I had the opportunity to explain to a 15 year old girl some of they joys of childbirth including the Episiotomy. She was completely grossed out.. as am I over that procedure. I hate pain and even though her aunt was there to say they the procedure doesn't hurt, I don't think she believed the aunt. I may just have traumatized her into not having kids. lol But even if she does have them later, I hope she remembers our little chat. Even tho she was 15 she mumbled something like "your box just isn't going to recover from something like that". She is soo right.

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AngryReptileKeeper
I still remember one line of a father's confession quite vividly: "like feeding a whale a tic-tac".

LMAO! Sounds like an apt description. I don't blame these men for being traumitized.

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- The human gene pool could use a little chlorine

The letter-writer said nothing about not wanting to have sex with her husband, but that her husband doesn't want to have sex with her anymore. But Pelling proceeds to gush on and on about how no-sex-after-sprogs is almost always the moo's fault for so many reasons. Heh!

Anyways. It's all totally ignoring the nature of sexual attraction. In normal males certain things equal the opposite of sexual arousal. Babies. Blood. Screaming. Pain. Hollaring violent obscenities. Doctors. Hospitals. Unless the guy is a hemotolagnious sadistic pedophile into medical scenes*, he's not going to like this event. And when he sees wifey in the middle of it, how the hell is he ever going to erase that memory??

(*a blood-fetish sadist turned on by kiddies and medical equipment)

And in case anyone thinks it unfair, if I were ever given a full-on three hour show of my man's shaved bumhole, splayed in the air for all the world and their aunties to see, and I had to witness -- and encourage! -- him to push something large out of it as he sweated bullets and screamed to high heaven, and then all that "here it comes! It's crowning! Here it comes!"... well that would put the mockers on my libido for the guy forever and ever. It just would. Self-explanatory.

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"The death of creativity is a pram in the hallway"
- Cyril Connolly

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Amethyst

(*a blood-fetish sadist turned on by kiddies and medical equipment)

I learn something new every day:kill

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Amethyst
The letter-writer said nothing about not wanting to have sex with her husband, but that her husband doesn't want to have sex with her anymore. But Pelling proceeds to gush on and on about how no-sex-after-sprogs is almost always the moo's fault for so many reasons. Heh!

Anyways. It's all totally ignoring the nature of sexual attraction. In normal males certain things equal the opposite of sexual arousal. Babies. Blood. Screaming. Pain. Hollaring violent obscenities. Doctors. Hospitals. Unless the guy is a hemotolagnious sadistic pedophile into medical scenes*, he's not going to like this event. And when he sees wifey in the middle of it, how the hell is he ever going to erase that memory??

I an unfortunently in a fencesetter relationship... the boyfriend is a wannabreeder, which actually really sucks because other than that he is a great guy.. I guess I'm still in it hoping he will come to his senses??

But anyways, he does not seem to understand what would happen to our relationship post-spawn!! Or during pregnancy for that matter. His attaction to me will go completely out the window, and I'll be left alone with a cave for a vagina and a bunch of annoying crotch dropplings that I didn't even want. grrr....

sorry for the rant.

But yeah, I know this will happen and he seem to be clueless..??? hello!!!

Waiting: Show him a video of a birth, that ought to do it.

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Amethyst
And in case anyone thinks it unfair, if I were ever given a full-on three hour show of my man's shaved bumhole, splayed in the air for all the world and their aunties to see, and I had to witness -- and encourage! -- him to push something large out of it as he sweated bullets and screamed to high heaven, and then all that "here it comes! It's crowning! Here it comes!"... well that would put the mockers on my libido for the guy forever and ever. It just would. Self-explanatory.

...Except that assholes are much more suited for shitting out large objects than a woman's cervix and vagina. If babies came out of asses, it'd probably be quicker and easier.

Anyway, lookie what I found on Youtube.

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str8six
Waiting: Show him a video of a birth, that ought to do it.

Haha thanks, thats a good idea. Seeing a video of a woman giving birth back in 10th grade biology reaffirmed my choice be childfree, so maybe it will work for him.

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AngryReptileKeeper


...Except that assholes are much more suited for shitting out large objects than a woman's cervix and vagina. If babies came out of asses, it'd probably be quicker and easier.

That isn't really true. It really isn't. I know a lot of folks would like it to be true, but sorry, vaginas really were made to stretch farther than anal sphincters.

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"I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell"

:eatu

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poofy_puff

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AngryReptileKeeper


...Except that assholes are much more suited for shitting out large objects than a woman's cervix and vagina. If babies came out of asses, it'd probably be quicker and easier.

That isn't really true. It really isn't. I know a lot of folks would like it to be true, but sorry, vaginas really were made to stretch farther than anal sphincters.

I have to agree, if a kid came out of anus it'd freaking split the woman apart. I shudder to even think.

Because, um. There's this topic we keep returning to on this board, and I think here it is again. It's the labor-turds making an unwelcome appearance. Don't think Daddy didn't see Mommy coiling one out onto the table just when they were getting to the difficult 'shoulders' bit of the delivery.

And I can't believe these women are writing in to say they have no idea why their partners find them repellant now. That's like a guy writing in to the advice column wondering why his girlfriend threw him out of the house and refuses to speak to him any more -- after he only dropped his trousers and shat on the coffee table in front of her and her mother one fine Sunday afternoon. And that she is really to blame, because she was the one who made the too-hot vindaloo curry for dinner the night before and he couldn't help himself.

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"The death of creativity is a pram in the hallway"
- Cyril Connolly

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Kaye



I have to agree, if a kid came out of anus it'd freaking split the woman apart. I shudder to even think.

Besides, think of all the fun things that can be put INTO vaginas, that you'd never get into your asshole without a crowbar and a gallon of vaseline.

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"I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell"

:eatu

Captcha - JPePJ Heh...

lariousYou guys are killing me over here. "Coiling one out"...that has to be the best description of shitting I've ever heard. And of course, Poofy, you never disappoint.

I can understand this poor father to a large degree, oddly enough because of a grade-school video. Just a little educational feature...one that showed EXACTLY where milk and eggs came from. One of the few times I barfed in public. Also put the kibosh on my appetite for anything made from/with those things for some time.

Now I'm no Einstien, but I think I say that if learning that milk comes from cow boobs and eggs come from a chicken's butt makes you revile certain food products, watching the process of birth would throw the mental equivalent of liquid nitrogen on your sex drive.

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Amethyst
Because, um. There's this topic we keep returning to on this board, and I think here it is again. It's the labor-turds making an unwelcome appearance. Don't think Daddy didn't see Mommy coiling one out onto the table just when they were getting to the difficult 'shoulders' bit of the delivery.

And I can't believe these women are writing in to say they have no idea why their partners find them repellant now. That's like a guy writing in to the advice column wondering why his girlfriend threw him out of the house and refuses to speak to him any more -- after he only dropped his trousers and shat on the coffee table in front of her and her mother one fine Sunday afternoon. And that she is really to blame, because she was the one who made the too-hot vindaloo curry for dinner the night before and he couldn't help himself.

larious larious

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AngryReptileKeeper

Anyway, lookie what I found on Youtube.

I shuddered with repulsion when I watched that. Thank goodness I didn't have any food in my stomach. I just want to move away to Pluto, far, far away from society and its crazy ideas.

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cherryice

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AngryReptileKeeper

Anyway, lookie what I found on Youtube.

I shuddered with repulsion when I watched that. Thank goodness I didn't have any food in my stomach. I just want to move away to Pluto, far, far away from society and its crazy ideas.

The best way to give birth is to treat the coming kyd like a giant PENIS?

No wonder the moo would want to co-sleep, titfeed, and treat the baybee like "my little man".:sx

And - the poor duh would be left out in the cold anyway.=P