#1568 -- Dating those with older kids....

I have known a couple of childfree women who dated older fathers with grown kids. Often, the hassle is still there. Adult offspring tend to be more cruel to their father's new mate than to the new husband of their mother. It is worse when Daddy has female children. There is a different set of dynamics due to how females compete with one another. He is still expected to help out financially and in other ways regardless of the age of his grown kids. Then...there are those grandchildren. A stepmother is expected to act so giddy over the sight of her husband's kids' new baby or whiny toddler. Each situation is different. My mom, who has been a widow for over three years, does have a suitor. Other than meeting the gentleman during their visit, this man is not going to be forced to be a part of my life which is good for their relationship.

There's a site for CF step-parents, CF Steps, which might be a good place to find others who've been there. I found out the other day the guy I'm dating has another kid (I knew about the 18 yo and the 14yo) who's about 20. He also informed me that one of them was asking about his new girlfriend and wants to meet me. I still haven't figured out a nice way to say, "Although I really like you, I don't care to meet any of your kids at this time, but thanks for asking." Shit!

I saw the logo for the CF Step pages. Cool...and so true! SpaceCowgirl, it has to be hard to try to get out of the "meeting the sprogs" event. You may want to question things a little more about this relationship now that you found out about ONE MORE of his offspring. Why couldn't he be honest in the beginning about the older kid? I hope things work out for you...

I just don't date, period. Engaged, married, freshly divorced, with kyds - urgh. Not worth the trouble. There's no one even remotely datable around here.

My sister dated an older man with grown children for a long time, and they became engaged about a year ago. Then, about two months ago, she told me the wedding was off and she dumped his "sorry ass". When I asked why, she said that he was never supportive of her and she always came second in his life behind his ex-wife and kids. Knowing how proud my sister is, she won't play second fiddle to anyone. I can't say I blame her.

BillyC, I forgot to add how the ex-wives are a part of these men's lives for-freaking-EVER even when the kids are grown. I have a friend, whose nasty ex-wife left well over ten years ago. They had no children yet this woman took most of the assets. My friend sometimes thinks of the young adult son he would have at this time had the baby lived. I kindly remind him of how his former wife would have financially raped him even more than she already did and would still in his life FOREVER!!!! That is something else for any childfree woman to think about before entering into a union with a man with grown or young kids. BillyC, I am glad your sister is a strong woman and ditched this man.

I'm married to a man with a teenaged daughter and it is a PITA. But most of the time I can deal with it. Other than the problems his daughter and her mom cause, he's a good husband and I wouldn't trade him in. I never did find a CF guy that I was compatible with. It's a trade-off, like anything else.

As far as a man with adult children, it's going to depend on the individual. If the kids were raised properly, they'll be independent. If they weren't, they may be nasty, lazy and sponge off Dad. You really won't know until you get involved. But DO watch for red flags. If the guy talks about his adult children all the time, and if they live nearby and seem to spend a lot of time together, be careful.

CFScorpio, I am glad your husband is a good person regardless of his kid and ex. I have also found that a childfree man does not automatically mean he is compatible or even a decent person. Every situation is different. Same goes regarding liberal vs. conservative men. Liberal males are not always these enlightened beings who are considerate to their mates. I know a conservative man who is a wonderful human being.

I just got an e-mail from a sort-of friend (I say that because he had the audacity to question my CF life saying I needed adult kids in my old age). Well, what I told him has come to pass once again. His adult son, who is married with two sprogs, just quit his job -- third or fourth in a year -- even though Daddio co-signed on a car. Regarding that car, the sort-of friend and his wife's bank account is debited when Sonny does not make his car payment. I reminded this older guy how his adult kids -- will not go into the daughter and her family since I need to get to bed... -- are nothing but a burden to him when it comes to finances. People with adult offspring in this day and age will most likely be bankrolling them. I have gone through a few jobs in the past two years...but I always got another one ASAP and support myself!

I look at my mom and her husband for examples of why it would suck to date someone with older kids. Mom's husband has a 25 year old daughter who is spoiled rotten and recently he gave her $14K as a down payment on a house behind my mom's back. This has caused big problems in their relationship. My mom and his daughter are always getting into stupid little spats over trivial matters. Then again, my brother and his wife are always going over to her house with their hands out, asking for money, even though they have plenty. They are both in their mid-twenties.

I could never deal with this kind of crap from a partner. I have a low threshold for bullshit anyway, but seeing how children today don't ever really "grow up" anymore, it seems like you will always be in the middle of some dumb family drama if you date someone with kids, even "adult" kids.

Speaking from experience here--HUGE mistake to date someone with kyds. The other parent is ALWAYS in the picture. Even if the other parent is dead, you'll ALWAYS be measured against him or her. PLEASE, avoid this situation at all costs. In a few years, you will see or hear about this person and their kyds, and you will be SO FREAKING GLAD you got out. TRUST ME ON THIS ONE. RUN LIKE THE WIND.

india_darshan Wrote:
Same goes regarding
> liberal vs. conservative men. Liberal males are
> not always these enlightened beings who are
> considerate to their mates. I know a conservative
> man who is a wonderful human being.

That's for sure. My dad was very left of center but was a very abusive parent. I've had lots of jerky "liberal" boyfriends too.

Medusa,

I don't date, either. I have always been perfectly happy being single, and I have no desire to actively search for a potential spouse. I like to meet new people, but not by dating. I have several single, female friends in their early 30's who speed date, attend bachelor auctions, go on blind dates, etc. and they are unhappy, bitter, and jaded about relationships; yet, they are still desperate to get married. I think they really believe in Prince Charming, and they are sad and angry that their Prince Charming hasn't shown up yet. Two of these women are dating divorced men with joint custody of toddlers. They think their boyfriends' toddlers are cute and seem to enjoy playing mommy to them. They are so desperate for a man to want to marry them that they are oblivious to the potential difficulties that their boyfriends' ex-spouses and young children may cause in a second marriage.

that desperation probably is why they dont have men, they are too desperate, men sometimes have the desperate ones, they get scared they will become stalkers.. i gave up, and then i met faust, faust had given up and she met me.. the pressure was off us to be with someone.. so we took our time, and discovered that each was what they were looking for.



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I just post the stories, for interest.. for everyone

Lord, what fools these mortals be!
- A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act III, Scene ii

Voltaire said: "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities."

H.L.Mencken wrote:"The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.”

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. Albert Einstein

SO has 2 grown kids, 18 and 21. I am fortunate that his divorce was bitter and ugly and they really don't bother with him now. They were poisoned by their mother and had no use for him all their lives. She taught them nothing but how to be greedy, sneaky, money-grubbing and disrespectful. He married his ex young and had the kids young; they divorced when the kids were 6 and 9. I've seen a few instances where they come around when they need something - namely: money. Luckily he sees what they really are and does not give them squat except for birthdays or Christmas. They are a product of their mother, aka, the trainwreck, as we so affectionately call her.

So far it's not been a problem (knock wood!) so keep your fingers crossed for me............

I would have to say, that if a couple can negotiate the children from a previous relationship and are willing to work to keep the present relationship healthy and focused, the problems should be minimal. Other people can always be intrusive, but if a couple is strong with eachother, there isn't much that outsiders can do.

I'm torn on all of this. Catdaddy was married before me, and he said that he and the ex-bitch wanted kids. It never happened...it turned out that she was unable to conceive. Catdaddy had a shitload of li'l swimmers...we know this because they took his sperm count before his snippage. Glad it's now ZERO!

But I wonder sometimes, if I would have married him if he did have a kid with the ex-bitch. I wonder if he'd be the same person he is now, if he'd sprogged. Somehow, I think NO.

For one thing, as it is now, he has NO contact with the ex-bitch. So she is not a part of our lives, as she would be if there were a kid involved. Add to that the fact that she was a GREEDY ex-bitch, as she took Catdaddy for all he had in the divorce...as in the house and just about everything in it, including the cats. That's his only regret...he still misses those cats, and would have taken them if he could have.

So if they'd had a kid, no doubt the ex-bitch would be hitting us up for money every time we turned around. Fuck that shit!

If he'd had a kid, it would be a teen or adult by now, but it still would have cemented him to the ex-bitch forever. I'm just grateful that Catdaddy managed to escape from her, and then choose to jump over to the CF side of the fence with me!

CFScorpio, I learned long ago that I had to eat my words about only going with "liberal" men after learning that many of them are just as sexist and nasty towards women as anyone else. Don't even get me started on my experiences...especially from a fellow who was so pro-gay and pro-choice yet he just loved to play games with women.

Catmommy, you are probably right that Catdaddy would have been a different man had he bred with the former wife. And...YES...this woman would always be hitting him up for money. Often, the courts up the child support if the ex-husband remarries due to the claim of how there is more income if Wife #2 works. So...that means the new wife is basically paying the brat support. That "inhales with great force"...

India_Darshan, a man's inner qualities and his behavior are much more important than his political views. Many people have political opinions about society at large, but they care very little about individual people.

CFScorpio Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> India_Darshan, a man's inner qualities and his
> behavior are much more important than his
> political views. Many people have political
> opinions about society at large, but they care
> very little about individual people.

So true! My ex-husband was as liberal as they come. But it turned out that he wanted me to be his broodmare. If I had gotten pregnant by him, and he found out about it, I'm sure that he and his asshole breeder family would have done everything possible to physically restrain me from getting an abortion.

I never did get pregnant, but if I had, I would not have told anyone, just gone off quietly to get rid of the parasite.

On the other hand, Catdaddy's political leanings are conservative/libertarian. He's not so far whacked out on the right that he'd do something dumb like vote for Duhbya, though. He's only on the conservative side about some things, such as gun ownership. But he's pro-choice and supports gay marriage.

When I had a pregnancy scare last year (which was REALLY scary, as he'd been snipped for years now), I was able to tell him, and if it had turned out that I was in pig, he was just as vehement as I was about abortion being the ONLY option. Luckily, I wasn't pregnant, but it's good to have assurance that my husband and I agree about this most important issue.

So yes...it all depends on the individual person. I never thought I'd ever marry a guy who voted for Ronald Reagan, but here I am!

catmommy9 Wrote:
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> I never thought I'd ever marry a guy who voted for
> Ronald Reagan, but here I am!


Ditto! LOL!

I care about a person who voted for Mr. Bush. Never thought that would happen but the inner qualities are the most important. We do agree on abortion. That, to me, is the most important matter if politics do come into play. Yeah, I have had those liberal mates who say they are pro-choice but claim no woman better abort THEIR bay-bees. *Shudders* Yeah, I would have done it quietly if I had become in-pig with any of these men's demons.

Grace Wrote:
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> Medusa,
>
> I don't date, either. I have always been perfectly happy being
> single, and I have no desire to actively search for a potential spouse.

I'm sorry we're in the same boat, Grace. (hugs)

Thing is, I am NOT happy being single. I really want to be married. But I never meet anyone even worth talking to. The last "interesting" one turned out to be married. He just "forgot" to mention it. How lovely.

And, even if he'd been divorced, I would never have been his #1 priority. I would probably have come in at #5, after his kyds, his job, his studies and his favorite sport. Screw that! I didn't wait my whole life only to be treated like crap.

Medusa, marriage is often not what many single people think it will be due to the many manufactured myths about the union of matrimony. I have been there and done that more than once. I honestly believe that many married people and those who are living with a "significant other" are not has happy as they lead others to believe. I always hear a different version of the relationship once I get to know the person much better.

Often times, women will only stay in a marriage/live-in situation because they have nowhere else to go and don't make enough money to go at it on their own. Men will also stay in a marriage because a divorce can ruin him financially even if there are no children. Often times, the ex-wives (even if they are childfree or childless) will still get the house as well as alimony and the other assets. I have seen this happen....believe it or not. Sometimes as in a co-worker's case, the fellow stays with the live-in or the wife because he genuinely loves the woman and wants to make it work even though she is h*ll to be around.

My sitaution...

All I can say is my spouse's health is not the greatest. He would not fare well by himself at this point. I stay out of a promise I made to him when I said my marriage vows. That is really. It is not good even though I truly loved him when we married. Don't even ask...

Please try to be happy as a single woman, Medusa. It is better to be alone and happy than be with someone and feel "alone".

My father died 6 years ago at age 58; mom was 56. She's not had any interest whatsoever in any man since. I often wonder what it would be like if she did date, if that man would have a family and what it would be like mixing the 2 families - if his kids would interfere or be assholes.

As an adult "child" - I'm 39 now, I think I'd just make sure mom didn't hook up with someone who treated her badly. She seems perfectly happy being alone now, she's got her grandkids, work, her friends and pets.