#1568 -- Dating those with older kids....

Hi India - I'm so sorry about your whole situation (hugs). I certainly didn't mean to make it sound like I idealize marriage - I'm from a broken home, and my Mom spent her last 20 years without any male companionship whatsoever.

It's just that my priorities have changed. Not only did I lose my Mom, but I turned 30 around the same time she got sick and died. I used to be all about my career, but now I'm more about relationships. And the loneliness is soul-crushing.

That and feeling like society is turning its nose up at me for being single and childless/free. (And my Grandma calling me an "old maid". I don't need that shit, I feel bad enough already!)

I had a friend from medical school who dated and eventually married a single moo with two younger brats. I do not know, to this day, what possessed him to marry that shrieking harpy or her butt-ugly brats, but I am sure the only thing that attracted her was his MD degree and the thoughts of yet another wallet to raid. Every time he would try to discipline her brats, she would side with them and leave him out in the cold. The brats destroyed their new house and wrecked everything that they touched. The moo was constantly spending more money and they sank deeper and deeper into debt because of her brats.

My friend is sterile from chemotherapy he received in his early teens for leukemia, and knowing the regimen he was on I can guarantee you that it was not reversible. He told the moo he was sterile, but she did not believe him and continued on her oral contraceptive. So one day she announces she is pregnant with "his" baby. He immediately suspected she was cheating on him, so he convinced her to get a chorionic villous sampling procedure done just to make sure the baby would be okay. He submitted his DNA as did she. Turns out he was not the daddy and he promptly filed for divorce.

Bottom line in the divorce case: she got nothing. She is pregnant with two wretched brats in a small 2-bedroom apartment with no job and no prospects. The judge all but threw the book at her and now her first husband has filed for a court order to DNA test her brats to see if they are his.

The karma fairy whacked that bitch with the clue-by-four.

Thank-you, Medusa. I often wish I never remarried. I had been married before and swore it off but thought this one was so "different" and really loved him at one time. I can be his friend now but that is it despite feeling financially used and unappreciated.

I know about the loneliness being so soul-crushing. I do have a very good friend who is there for moral support and friendship. I am lucky to find someone who can be there for me as a friend and companion. I cannot divorce my husband due to his health condition and feel the: bed...made...lie... scenario. My family loves him but they don't live with him or hear how he thinks I am "stupid" although I busted my butt at thankless jobs to pay the bills when I got less from him when he was paying his tuition. He got a degree. I hate to sound bitter but here goes. What did I get?

Sometimes, I feel I made a mess of my life by focusing on relationships rather than education and career. I don't mind my job at the call center and am glad I have it but know I have to deal with stress on certain days when the queue is heavier. It is a decent company even though they scr*wed up by not having schedules for us coming out of training. We will work our transition schedules next week. I was never into the corporate world but feel at age 42 that I have wasted my life by being a good mate by focusing on the men rather than myself.

Not all men are bad but I had a knack of being too trusting and giving with my heart and sharing what I had in regards to possesions. I am sorry to hear your grandma is calling you an "old maid". That is not right. {{HUGS}}

DrDanCorelli, I am glad the karma fairy got that bad lady!

india_darshan Wrote:
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> Sometimes, I feel I made a mess of my life by
> focusing on relationships rather than education
> and career.

Oh, please don't feel bad, India! Because, you see, I did the EXACT opposite - sacrificed a social life for good grades and career. Because my Mom wanted me to become a strong, independent woman. And look where I am now: nowhere! Because no one told me I needed not only brains and talent, but also a good social network - i.e. connections. And now I'm left with absolutely nothing but worthless university diplomas.

Medusa,

If a diploma can help you get a job and financial independence, it's worth its weight in gold. It's never too late to develop a social network. I have to keep meeting new people because friends come and go so quickly. Most of the people who were part of my social network 5 years ago have moved away and lost touch with me due to career or family obligations. When I was looking for a job, I contacted everyone in my network. Only a few of these people even cared enough to help. People network to serve their own interests, so I've found that having a few close friends is better socially and careerwise than a huge network of work acquaintances. Networks are overrated. Good, caring friends are priceless.

Medusa,

I understand your situation. I lost my mom at 20, and we were very close. I was young, very lonely and desparate feeling after her long illness and death. I made a HUGE mistake and rushed into a marriage with the WRONG man. I stayed married to him for 7 years, and made some choices that I would have otherwise avoided had I allowed myself to properly heal after my mom's death. 30 is young to lose a parent. Focus on yourself, and getting over the trauma of losing your mom. Things eventually fall into place. Don't let lonliness make decisions for you. Many hugs to you.

Thank you so much, Grace and Sherz! You are both right.

Grace, I do actually value my education. It's just that it doesn't seem to matter right now and I'm frustrated. My Grandma didn't even congratulate me or anything when I got my latest degree. I know my Mom would have been proud.

And Sherz, I can't even imagine losing my Mom at 20 - so big hugs to you. I've been struggling with severe anxiety since she got sick, so I'm trying to take care of myself, like you said. Thanks again!

>
> Bottom line in the divorce case: she got nothing.

> The karma fairy whacked that bitch with the
> clue-by-four.

YES!! That story cheered me up Dan! Why do guys hook up with these loser bitchs? How come I can't find a kind, CF guy? Hmm.

I also wondered that, Sharon! It was interesting to read of Dr Dan's colleague meeting and marrying that single moo after med school while on the way to a good career. Many women think a man is rich once he is out of med or law school. It takes time to get through the residency and the bar exam. Just as in any profession, there is the starting out and paying of dues. Just because a man is on his way to a good life, a woman has no right to expect marriage and lifetime support.

A co-worker who is a good mom and NOT a moo, has a family friend who is wealthy. She and her husband visit the man a lot. Many women -- especially the single moos -- think that he is REQUIRED to "do" for them. My friend totally rocks. She says, "Heifer, someone else should have done for you when you had that bay-bee with that boyfriend or live-in who refused to marry you." I almost worship this woman because she says it as it is and is not a breederific person despite having two kids. She is an excellent parent and person -- a rarity these days.

Great to see Dr. Dan over here and I loved the story.

India, I remember you from the old days at BRATS! because you have a distinctive writing style. I'm sorry to hear what you are going through and I hope better things are there for you in the future.

Great topic because I just married a week ago. My previous marriage was a disaster. My ex was a liar and a cheater....I caught him cheating with a married WannaBreed (I had a tubal prior to marriage.) Oh, and he did this while I was taking care of two family members who were ill, one of whom was dying.

After that I said I'd never get married again, but a man at work asked me out when he found out I was divorced. I didn't know him outside of work. He was friends with my old boss and I occasionally dealt with him when I was in another position.

One of the things that attracted me to him was that he was very quiet and respectful of all people in general. You know how it is when you work with men (or just people in general); some of them make disparaging remarks about women or they talk trash. He isn't like that. In fact, after we became an item, he told me that my boss and another co-worker asked him (while playing golf) "how I was," which confirms my ex-boss is a boor. My DH just smiled and said nothing. I believe him because I saw how he removed himself from that stuff before.

Anyway, after we'd been dating about a year and I was looking for a house, he started saying stuff like, I have a house, why don't we get married? I said, "Are you nuts? I don't think so." I bought my own house. I had poured $ into my ex's house (his family's house) and I wanted my own place where I could make my own decisions. He gave me a ring about six months after that. I was very surprised.

After two more years, I sold my house and he sold his and we bought a house together. We married after 4 years of dating. I have to say in that whole time, he was very supportive of my having my own place and he didn't push me for marriage when I wasn't ready. He just let me find my own way. I thanked him for that last week.

I had dated my ex for less than a year. I didn't want to do that again. I wanted to see my SO in all situations...where we were both so tired we could barely talk...when we were stressed to the max. I wanted us to truly know each other. I think anyone can put up a good show for a year or two.

The best part is that he is NMNK and he doesn't want kids. Had he married in his 20's or 30's, he's probably one of those guys who would have done what his wife wanted. Not an issue with me because of our age and the fact I am sterilized and completely uninterested.

When we go out, he is the first to comment on Breeder behavior and he's picked up words from this page...he uses the words "Breeder," "Dud," "Moo," and "Howler Monkey on Crack." It cracks me up.

I may not have got married again, but marriage affords some legal befefits when it comes to death or if one partner gets sick.

The thing is, there are no guarantees. I'll always work and I'll continue to take care of myself. I can only hope that he's willing to work on the marriage, as I am. I think I am a good person and a good partner. I'm willing to go through hard times, but those hard times do not include physical abuse, verbal abuse, drug addictions or breeding.

I have limits to what I will do for a relationship. It may sound cold, but that's the INTJ in me.

Sorry for the diatribe.

Thank-you, Bell_Flower. Your kind words mean a lot to me. I did not know my husband well when I foolishly allowed him to move in. I really did not want or even need someone else living in my apartment. Financially, I was fine on my own. I'd been married before so the privacy was great...but he insisted. I, like a fool, caved in. He went on how I had "commitment issues". I wish I had kept those issues. I am glad your husband respected you enough to not press you into a too-early marriage and allowed the two of you to get to know each other. I have set a lot of boundaries recently that not-so-"DH" does not like but oh well. He acts like a child about not getting some things he wanted but I did without to do for him. My husband is definitely "CF" - although he was not before marriage - but it does not mean he is this great mate. I am thinking of #1, me, for a change...

actually its unlikely to be men now, due to legislation, any comment a man makes could be termed sexual harrassment, so men are stopping speaking to women or about women in the work place.. i am not saying it doesnt happen..

i met my faust 2 years this september, it took 6 months of contstant talking 3 hours a day, before we both felt comfortable enough for me to go fly to where she lived i felt it was my duty to go there, as its safer for a man to visit the woman, but as soon as we met sparks like you never beleived,.. so this xmas eve, about 18 months after meeting, i asked her to marry me. we are so similar in every way, but with enough differences to make it fun, she was cf before me, i knew i didnt like kids, but i would have been one of those men who would have said if it makes her happy, i guess so.. but as soon as i realised i wasnt alone in my dislike of kids, i came out of the cf closet and became the anti kid guy you see before you.

and since then i have been more at ease in myself, knowing i am cf..(didnt know the term before i met her)

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I just post the stories, for interest.. for everyone

Lord, what fools these mortals be!
- A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act III, Scene ii

Voltaire said: "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities."

H.L.Mencken wrote:"The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.”

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. Albert Einstein

In some cases, folks with older kids (like say in their early teens) might want you to have their child (the fuck trophy) to prove your love. *UGH* That's what my ex wanted. He had a 14 year old from a previous fling. I thought I was safe when he said he didn't want more kids. Turns out he changed his mind. Then it was adios for me.