Help! My parents aren't happy about our fert-freak! June 25, 2011 | Registered: 15 years ago Posts: 6,607 |
Quote
Dear Carolyn:
My husband and I are finally pregnant. It's been a long and physically and emotionally taxing road, but it's well worth it, and we are so relieved and SO thrilled.
The only damper is that my parents weren't in contact much through this whole process, mustered surprisingly little joy when they heard the news, and have finally revealed that it's because they don't believe in infertility treatments. They don't believe it's "God's will," and they would have preferred if we had adopted a naturally born child.
I'm so emotionally drained already that I can't even think how to respond to this. I'm hurt and angry and indignant, as is my husband. My first, immature reaction is to want to deny them the pleasure of grandparenting a child they don't think should exist, but that seems petty -- although, wouldn't it be wrong to expose our child to grandparents who disapprove of its existence? I'm just at a loss here.
-- Underenthused grandparents
First of all, congratulations.
Second, your answer has been served up by nature (or by God's will, if that's how you roll).
You have months before your baby comes. Use them to concentrate on your health and your preparations for the baby, and opt not to do anything about your parents. Shift into neutral with them; no silence or confrontations, just civil contact where appropriate.
By the time the baby's born, you all will have had time to cool off -- plus, your baby will make a better case than you can that s/he is just as real and worthy of love as any other child conceived any other way.
If they still can't budge off their platform of disapproval, you can deal with that then; dreading it now accomplishes nothing. You'll just upset yourself needlessly when neither your health nor the baby's needs that. And, possibly even worse, you might predispose yourself to shut them out no matter how they respond to the baby's arrival.
While your dismay is justified, I hope you'll also allow for the possibility that their response was one of deliberate and loving restraint. Your parents clearly have strong beliefs, yet they also apparently struggled with their decision to share their misgivings.
Would it be better had they chosen to put on a happy face, or found the strength not to judge you, or found joy in your joy, or opened their minds to the possibility that God created fertility treatments? (The line-drawing on this one has always fascinated me.) For your sake, of course, yes.
Among their options, though, were to condemn your efforts openly, to try to block you, to call you horrible names, to disown you, or to find other, highly invasive ways to try to impose their values on you. They chose to leave you quietly to your choice instead of getting in your face.
At least compare their response to this situation with their MO from past situations where you and they disagreed. If they made any special effort to hold back in this case, then that's worth factoring into any decisions you make on giving your parents a chance.
Re: Help! My parents aren't happy about our fert-freak! June 25, 2011 | Registered: 15 years ago Posts: 12,447 |
Re: Help! My parents aren't happy about our fert-freak! June 25, 2011 | Registered: 19 years ago Posts: 9,207 |
Re: Help! My parents aren't happy about our fert-freak! June 26, 2011 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 862 |
Quote
My first, immature reaction is to want to deny them the pleasure ofgrandparenting a childproviding us with free childcare for a child they don't think should exist, but that seems petty -- although, wouldn't it be wrong to expose our child to grandparents who disapprove of its existence? I'm just at a loss here.
Anonymous User
Re: Help! My parents aren't happy about our fert-freak! June 26, 2011 |
Re: Help! My parents aren't happy about our fert-freak! June 26, 2011 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 862 |
Quote
rainbow
I find it fairly odd that they wouldn't have revealed their feelings on the ethics of fertility treatments before now. Something seems off to me about that. I'd be willing to bet they did tell her they didn't approve of her doing fertility treatments and encouraged her to pursue adoption instead. She thought they'd be ecstatic and change their minds once she was finally pregnant and went ahead and did fertility treatments anyway. Now she's finally pregnant and expecting all sorts of adoration and adulation from her parents, but her parents resent her for going against their ethical wishes.
Re: Help! My parents aren't happy about our fert-freak! June 26, 2011 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 286 |
Anonymous User
Re: Help! My parents aren't happy about our fert-freak! June 26, 2011 |
Quote
nokids4me
Quote
rainbow
I find it fairly odd that they wouldn't have revealed their feelings on the ethics of fertility treatments before now. Something seems off to me about that. I'd be willing to bet they did tell her they didn't approve of her doing fertility treatments and encouraged her to pursue adoption instead. She thought they'd be ecstatic and change their minds once she was finally pregnant and went ahead and did fertility treatments anyway. Now she's finally pregnant and expecting all sorts of adoration and adulation from her parents, but her parents resent her for going against their ethical wishes.
Just as she's in the wrong to expect adulation, they'd be in the wrong to resent her going against their ethical wishes. Let's say her parents worshipped the DNA and she and her husband wanted to adopt. There have been cases where grandparents have treated adopted grandchildren differently than bio grandchildren. That's wrong, just as it's wrong to bingo a CF adult child for grandchildren.
Adult children aren't obligated to respect their parents' ethical wishes unless it directly pertains to the parent's life such as a DNR order. But she's not entitled to their enthusiasm and praise either.
I have a friend who's gone through fertility treatments and is considering surrogate birth. I wouldn't choose that for myself. If I wanted a child and couldn't have one, I'd probably adopt. But I figure it's her decision & her husband's to make. As long as she's not asking me for the money for the treatments or to hire a surrogate, I figure it's not really my business. And while she's mentioned these things in passing, she doesn't go into a lot of detail about them, nor does she dominate our conversations with them.
Re: Help! My parents aren't happy about our fert-freak! June 26, 2011 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 5,716 |
Quote
Hack
By the time the baby's born, you all will have had time to cool off -- plus, your baby will make a better case than you can that s/he is just as real and worthy of love as any other child conceived any other way.
Re: Help! My parents aren't happy about our fert-freak! June 27, 2011 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 7,859 |
Re: Help! My parents aren't happy about our fert-freak! June 27, 2011 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 12,441 |
Re: Help! My parents aren't happy about our fert-freak! June 27, 2011 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 1,291 |
Re: Help! My parents aren't happy about our fert-freak! June 27, 2011 | Registered: 15 years ago Posts: 3,852 |
Re: Help! My parents aren't happy about our fert-freak! June 27, 2011 | Registered: 15 years ago Posts: 6,607 |
Quote
The only damper is that my parents weren't in contact much through this whole process, mustered surprisingly little joy when they heard the news, and have finally revealed that it's because they don't believe in infertility treatments. They don't believe it's "God's will," and they would have preferred if we had adopted a naturally born child.
Anonymous User
Re: Help! My parents aren't happy about our fert-freak! June 27, 2011 |
Re: Help! My parents aren't happy about our fert-freak! June 27, 2011 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 1,304 |
Re: Help! My parents aren't happy about our fert-freak! June 28, 2011 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 269 |
Re: Help! My parents aren't happy about our fert-freak! June 30, 2011 | Registered: 15 years ago Posts: 1,983 |