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Help! My parents aren't happy about our fert-freak!
Posted by Dorisan
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Help! My parents aren't happy about our fert-freak! June 25, 2011 | Registered: 15 years ago Posts: 6,607 |
Boggle :goggle Hax doesn't automatically come down on the side of the breederbrains
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Dear Carolyn:
My husband and I are finally pregnant. It's been a long and physically and emotionally taxing road, but it's well worth it, and we are so relieved and SO thrilled.
The only damper is that my parents weren't in contact much through this whole process, mustered surprisingly little joy when they heard the news, and have finally revealed that it's because they don't believe in infertility treatments. They don't believe it's "God's will," and they would have preferred if we had adopted a naturally born child.
I'm so emotionally drained already that I can't even think how to respond to this. I'm hurt and angry and indignant, as is my husband. My first, immature reaction is to want to deny them the pleasure of grandparenting a child they don't think should exist, but that seems petty -- although, wouldn't it be wrong to expose our child to grandparents who disapprove of its existence? I'm just at a loss here.
-- Underenthused grandparents
First of all, congratulations.
Second, your answer has been served up by nature (or by God's will, if that's how you roll).
You have months before your baby comes. Use them to concentrate on your health and your preparations for the baby, and opt not to do anything about your parents. Shift into neutral with them; no silence or confrontations, just civil contact where appropriate.
By the time the baby's born, you all will have had time to cool off -- plus, your baby will make a better case than you can that s/he is just as real and worthy of love as any other child conceived any other way.
If they still can't budge off their platform of disapproval, you can deal with that then; dreading it now accomplishes nothing. You'll just upset yourself needlessly when neither your health nor the baby's needs that. And, possibly even worse, you might predispose yourself to shut them out no matter how they respond to the baby's arrival.
While your dismay is justified, I hope you'll also allow for the possibility that their response was one of deliberate and loving restraint. Your parents clearly have strong beliefs, yet they also apparently struggled with their decision to share their misgivings.
Would it be better had they chosen to put on a happy face, or found the strength not to judge you, or found joy in your joy, or opened their minds to the possibility that God created fertility treatments? (The line-drawing on this one has always fascinated me.) For your sake, of course, yes.
Among their options, though, were to condemn your efforts openly, to try to block you, to call you horrible names, to disown you, or to find other, highly invasive ways to try to impose their values on you. They chose to leave you quietly to your choice instead of getting in your face.
At least compare their response to this situation with their MO from past situations where you and they disagreed. If they made any special effort to hold back in this case, then that's worth factoring into any decisions you make on giving your parents a chance.
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Re: Help! My parents aren't happy about our fert-freak! June 25, 2011 | Registered: 15 years ago Posts: 12,447 |
As much as I abhor religious fundies and all of their Godly "rules", I think if people would keep their baybee dancing rituals and infertility woes TO THEMSELVES, then they wouldn't be facing these types of situations. What exactly did they expect for the parents to "do" while all of this turkey basting and running home to fuck while the eggs were coming down the shoot was going on?:sx That's not exactly a spectator event or anything that a parent SHOULD be involved in anyway. They just need to go on and hatch the loaf and see what happens because the grandmoo and peepaw will probably come around once they see the little self replicant.
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If YOU are the "exception" to what I am saying, then why does my commentary bother you so much?
I don't hate your kids, I HATE YOU!
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If YOU are the "exception" to what I am saying, then why does my commentary bother you so much?
I don't hate your kids, I HATE YOU!
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Re: Help! My parents aren't happy about our fert-freak! June 25, 2011 | Registered: 19 years ago Posts: 9,204 |
All I can say is, given how baybee rabid most grandparunts are, these two must be super attention-whoring freaks who treated everyone to every gory detail of their fertility treatment and who attempted to wring every drop of sympathy and attention out of everyone, to the point where their parents got tired of it.
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Re: Help! My parents aren't happy about our fert-freak! June 26, 2011 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 862 |
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My first, immature reaction is to want to deny them the pleasure ofgrandparenting a childproviding us with free childcare for a child they don't think should exist, but that seems petty -- although, wouldn't it be wrong to expose our child to grandparents who disapprove of its existence? I'm just at a loss here.
Let's call it what it really is, shall we?
Eh, while I agree with the grandparents to be, I think they should have kept that to themselves. Unless this woman was hitting them up for money for fertility treatments or giving them TMI progress reports. Both of which may have very well been the case.
Anonymous User
Re: Help! My parents aren't happy about our fert-freak! June 26, 2011 |
I find it fairly odd that they wouldn't have revealed their feelings on the ethics of fertility treatments before now. Something seems off to me about that. I'd be willing to bet they did tell her they didn't approve of her doing fertility treatments and encouraged her to pursue adoption instead. She thought they'd be ecstatic and change their minds once she was finally pregnant and went ahead and did fertility treatments anyway. Now she's finally pregnant and expecting all sorts of adoration and adulation from her parents, but her parents resent her for going against their ethical wishes. So she's playing the sympathy card and making them out to be in the wrong for disapproving of their grandchild's existence.:bawl I'm pretty sure that's how it ACTUALLY happened in real life.
eyes2
eyes2|
Re: Help! My parents aren't happy about our fert-freak! June 26, 2011 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 862 |
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rainbow
I find it fairly odd that they wouldn't have revealed their feelings on the ethics of fertility treatments before now. Something seems off to me about that. I'd be willing to bet they did tell her they didn't approve of her doing fertility treatments and encouraged her to pursue adoption instead. She thought they'd be ecstatic and change their minds once she was finally pregnant and went ahead and did fertility treatments anyway. Now she's finally pregnant and expecting all sorts of adoration and adulation from her parents, but her parents resent her for going against their ethical wishes.
Just as she's in the wrong to expect adulation, they'd be in the wrong to resent her going against their ethical wishes. Let's say her parents worshipped the DNA and she and her husband wanted to adopt. There have been cases where grandparents have treated adopted grandchildren differently than bio grandchildren. That's wrong, just as it's wrong to bingo a CF adult child for grandchildren.
Adult children aren't obligated to respect their parents' ethical wishes unless it directly pertains to the parent's life such as a DNR order. But she's not entitled to their enthusiasm and praise either.
I have a friend who's gone through fertility treatments and is considering surrogate birth. I wouldn't choose that for myself. If I wanted a child and couldn't have one, I'd probably adopt. But I figure it's her decision & her husband's to make. As long as she's not asking me for the money for the treatments or to hire a surrogate, I figure it's not really my business. And while she's mentioned these things in passing, she doesn't go into a lot of detail about them, nor does she dominate our conversations with them.
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Re: Help! My parents aren't happy about our fert-freak! June 26, 2011 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 286 |
Anonymous User
Re: Help! My parents aren't happy about our fert-freak! June 26, 2011 |
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nokids4me
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rainbow
I find it fairly odd that they wouldn't have revealed their feelings on the ethics of fertility treatments before now. Something seems off to me about that. I'd be willing to bet they did tell her they didn't approve of her doing fertility treatments and encouraged her to pursue adoption instead. She thought they'd be ecstatic and change their minds once she was finally pregnant and went ahead and did fertility treatments anyway. Now she's finally pregnant and expecting all sorts of adoration and adulation from her parents, but her parents resent her for going against their ethical wishes.
Just as she's in the wrong to expect adulation, they'd be in the wrong to resent her going against their ethical wishes. Let's say her parents worshipped the DNA and she and her husband wanted to adopt. There have been cases where grandparents have treated adopted grandchildren differently than bio grandchildren. That's wrong, just as it's wrong to bingo a CF adult child for grandchildren.
Adult children aren't obligated to respect their parents' ethical wishes unless it directly pertains to the parent's life such as a DNR order. But she's not entitled to their enthusiasm and praise either.
I have a friend who's gone through fertility treatments and is considering surrogate birth. I wouldn't choose that for myself. If I wanted a child and couldn't have one, I'd probably adopt. But I figure it's her decision & her husband's to make. As long as she's not asking me for the money for the treatments or to hire a surrogate, I figure it's not really my business. And while she's mentioned these things in passing, she doesn't go into a lot of detail about them, nor does she dominate our conversations with them.
I agree to a point. In this case, I think both the mother and the grandparents are in the wrong. I think the grandparents could at least be happy for their daughter even if they don't agree with the way their grandchild was brought into existence. I was just saying there's a possibility the mother may have known her parents weren't happy with what she was doing long before now. Anyway, it was only a theory on the way things may have happened. On the other hand, I disagree that her decision doesn't affect her parents' life. After all, it is their grandchild. Should anything ever happen to her or her spouse, the grandparents would likely be called upon to help raise the child.
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Re: Help! My parents aren't happy about our fert-freak! June 26, 2011 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 5,716 |
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Hack
By the time the baby's born, you all will have had time to cool off -- plus, your baby will make a better case than you can that s/he is just as real and worthy of love as any other child conceived any other way.
I kind of take it like she's kissing breeder ass all the way around here. Grand Cows are entitled to their beliefs - and hey! - it wasn't that bad - they could've thrown a shit fit or something or really laid into you. And Soon To Be Cow must be coddled, told to relax, lest she lose the Petri Dish Spawn.
Oh but - as the above quote illustrates - once the loaf gets here - and the Grands see it is NORMAL and does not have a giant alien head with horns and stuff after all - oh then! Sunshine and Ponies and Jeeziz and Old Country Buffet!
"Babies have a way of bringing famblees together". Surprised this old chestnut wasn't thrown in - falling down on the job, Hack.
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Re: Help! My parents aren't happy about our fert-freak! June 27, 2011 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 7,845 |
Quote from a breeder-pleasing advice hag: Second, your answer has been served up by nature (or by God's will, if that's how you roll).
Since when do IVF treatments have anything to do with nature, or God's will? It doesn't matter how one "rolls," breeders always want their fucking cake and eat it too.
IVF baybeez are all about scientists and doctors playing Gawd, and using the old turkey baster method to impregnate dried-up cows who can't see past their own selfish demands. If Gawd is telling a moo wannabee that her body isn't capable of creating healthy brats on its own, then maybe the moo wannabee should listen! Instead, she goes against nature and Gawd, and gets knocked up in a lab, and creates multiple fuckeduplets that won't survive past the age of 20.
Since when do IVF treatments have anything to do with nature, or God's will? It doesn't matter how one "rolls," breeders always want their fucking cake and eat it too.
IVF baybeez are all about scientists and doctors playing Gawd, and using the old turkey baster method to impregnate dried-up cows who can't see past their own selfish demands. If Gawd is telling a moo wannabee that her body isn't capable of creating healthy brats on its own, then maybe the moo wannabee should listen! Instead, she goes against nature and Gawd, and gets knocked up in a lab, and creates multiple fuckeduplets that won't survive past the age of 20.
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Re: Help! My parents aren't happy about our fert-freak! June 27, 2011 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 12,440 |
Carolyn's understanding of ethics seems rather weak. Successful commission of an activity does not imply that the activity was moral.
B: Remember how I told you I'd kill that fucker who pissed me off?
A: I don't think murder is ethical.
B: It was quite a struggle--he fought like hell--but I managed to kill him in the end.
A: Oh, well, since you already succeeded, it must be God's will.
Theology doesn't provide the only argument against IVF, but sticking with that framework since that's what the woman's parents used, Carolyn should at least be aware of the concept of 'free will,' which allows an individual to perform actions which are not sanctioned by God.
B: Remember how I told you I'd kill that fucker who pissed me off?
A: I don't think murder is ethical.
B: It was quite a struggle--he fought like hell--but I managed to kill him in the end.
A: Oh, well, since you already succeeded, it must be God's will.
Theology doesn't provide the only argument against IVF, but sticking with that framework since that's what the woman's parents used, Carolyn should at least be aware of the concept of 'free will,' which allows an individual to perform actions which are not sanctioned by God.
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Re: Help! My parents aren't happy about our fert-freak! June 27, 2011 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 1,291 |
I agree with nokids4me. This moo can make threats until the cows come home, but you know damn good and well she isn't going to keep her parents from seeing the brat. She's going to be desperate for free babysitting, and she'll fawn and beg until her parents give in. It sounds to me, though, as if these are people who might stick to their guns and possibly want little to do with their Frankengrandkid.
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Re: Help! My parents aren't happy about our fert-freak! June 27, 2011 | Registered: 15 years ago Posts: 3,846 |
tell these infertile fuckers, thanks for spreading the infertility around. maybe, eventually, hopefully, this friggin species won't even be able to reproduce anymore
two cents ΒΆΒΆ
CERTIFIED HOSEHEAD!!!
people (especially women) do not give ONE DAMN about what they inflict on children and I defy anyone to prove me wrong
Dysfunctional relationships almost always have a child. The more dysfunctional, the more children.
The selfish wants of adults outweigh the needs of the child.
Some mistakes cannot be fixed, but some mistakes can be 'fixed'.
People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. Leo J. Burke
Adoption agencies have strict criteria (usually). Breeders, whose combined IQ's would barely hit triple digits, have none.
two cents ΒΆΒΆ
CERTIFIED HOSEHEAD!!!
people (especially women) do not give ONE DAMN about what they inflict on children and I defy anyone to prove me wrong
Dysfunctional relationships almost always have a child. The more dysfunctional, the more children.
The selfish wants of adults outweigh the needs of the child.
Some mistakes cannot be fixed, but some mistakes can be 'fixed'.
People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. Leo J. Burke
Adoption agencies have strict criteria (usually). Breeders, whose combined IQ's would barely hit triple digits, have none.
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Re: Help! My parents aren't happy about our fert-freak! June 27, 2011 | Registered: 15 years ago Posts: 6,607 |
Me projecting my interpretation:
They weren't in contact much through the whole process means they knew what was going on and didn't want to be involved. Daughter is resentful that her mother wasn't there to hold her hand, offer commiseration through the failures and encourage her to keep trying.
Her parents used the 'G' word to explain their objection to the path she took - maybe the details were left out in the editing for length, but if the letter writer's parents were truly religious, then their daughter has no cause to squawk. You don't ask someone to deviate from their own spiritual path to justify what you want. I have to wonder if the parents didn't want to express to their daughter that their own ethics were the base of disapproval and merely palmed it off on the Big Sky Daddy.
At the worst, Hax is flip-flopping here. She's not coming down on one side or the other, but she also doesn't present much of a resolution except to tell them to wait and see how they grandparents-to-be act when the baby is held out to them.
I think Hax must be schooling herself on non-breeder views. I've noticed her advice seems to be more accepting of them.
Time for honesty, not an oops
If you have to wait and see, maybe it's best to bail
You don't demand a child-friendly house, you stay in a hotel
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The only damper is that my parents weren't in contact much through this whole process, mustered surprisingly little joy when they heard the news, and have finally revealed that it's because they don't believe in infertility treatments. They don't believe it's "God's will," and they would have preferred if we had adopted a naturally born child.
They weren't in contact much through the whole process means they knew what was going on and didn't want to be involved. Daughter is resentful that her mother wasn't there to hold her hand, offer commiseration through the failures and encourage her to keep trying.
Her parents used the 'G' word to explain their objection to the path she took - maybe the details were left out in the editing for length, but if the letter writer's parents were truly religious, then their daughter has no cause to squawk. You don't ask someone to deviate from their own spiritual path to justify what you want. I have to wonder if the parents didn't want to express to their daughter that their own ethics were the base of disapproval and merely palmed it off on the Big Sky Daddy.
At the worst, Hax is flip-flopping here. She's not coming down on one side or the other, but she also doesn't present much of a resolution except to tell them to wait and see how they grandparents-to-be act when the baby is held out to them.
I think Hax must be schooling herself on non-breeder views. I've noticed her advice seems to be more accepting of them.
Time for honesty, not an oops
If you have to wait and see, maybe it's best to bail
You don't demand a child-friendly house, you stay in a hotel
Anonymous User
Re: Help! My parents aren't happy about our fert-freak! June 27, 2011 |
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Re: Help! My parents aren't happy about our fert-freak! June 27, 2011 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 1,304 |
You know, everything about IVF and fertility treatment stuff is and should be, private, as in, between the couple. Noone wants to know about how DH wanked in a cup to a Juggs magazine, or how DW's cervical mucus was peaking indicating ovulation. Just, ew.
I have a brother who is about as polar opposite from me as they come in terms of "Life" issues. And I've told this story before, but the short version is that when he and his wife got married and years went by without any progeny, we all just assumed that they were DINKs. They're both highly skilled professionals, have gourmet tastes, and vacationed to exotic locales on a frequent basis.
Out of the blue, they announced that they were in the process of adopting a baby girl from China. They had been trying for years to conceive naturally, but they didn't talk about it, because that is PRIVATE. He did admit that they were going to do the petri dish thing, but my brother is very pro-life and he didn't like the idea of having extra fertilized eggs floating around, so they researched adoption, and not just blond hair blue eye private type adoption, but actually helping a child get out of a horrible living situation, such as Romania, finally settling on China.
I don't agree with my brother's hard line pro-life stance, but I have to applaud and respect him for not being a hypocrite. They were going to adopt a second chinese baby, but lo and behold, SIL got pregnant the natural way. Imagine that.
I have a brother who is about as polar opposite from me as they come in terms of "Life" issues. And I've told this story before, but the short version is that when he and his wife got married and years went by without any progeny, we all just assumed that they were DINKs. They're both highly skilled professionals, have gourmet tastes, and vacationed to exotic locales on a frequent basis.
Out of the blue, they announced that they were in the process of adopting a baby girl from China. They had been trying for years to conceive naturally, but they didn't talk about it, because that is PRIVATE. He did admit that they were going to do the petri dish thing, but my brother is very pro-life and he didn't like the idea of having extra fertilized eggs floating around, so they researched adoption, and not just blond hair blue eye private type adoption, but actually helping a child get out of a horrible living situation, such as Romania, finally settling on China.
I don't agree with my brother's hard line pro-life stance, but I have to applaud and respect him for not being a hypocrite. They were going to adopt a second chinese baby, but lo and behold, SIL got pregnant the natural way. Imagine that.
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Re: Help! My parents aren't happy about our fert-freak! June 28, 2011 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 269 |
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Re: Help! My parents aren't happy about our fert-freak! June 30, 2011 | Registered: 15 years ago Posts: 1,982 |
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