But, who will take care of you when you're old?

Your childfree children, that's who.

My mother, who is 77, had major vascular surgery 2 weeks ago.

Instead of sending her to inpatient rehab, and then to cardiac rehab - they sent her home....to stay with me. They figured since I am a nurse, work part time and have no children, I would be able to take care of her.

So, I have been washing, dressing, cooking, cleaning and doing wound care 20 hours a day when she should be in a rehab facility. I had reconstructive ankle surgery 7 weeks ago, but no one thought of that. The most important thing was that I had no children, so she could come home - a fresh vascular post-op.

So, the next time someone serves up that bingo, make sure you answer that the only ones taking care of old people are the childfree kids.

Surfinbird ~

It seems as if you're really getting it from all sides lately!

I've been there, it really sucks, I know.

One time I saw this description for a thing to teach you how to write your autobiography, some class or something.

I thought - I can do it in one sentence: "The fan was turned on, the shit was thrown at it."

It's a good thing I have a sense of humor.

Hang in there. Ask for help. DEMAND it! Whine and bitch like the breeders do. The squeaky wheel gets the grease.

Remember to take time for yourself. I'm sure your Mom is very glad for your help, too.
Not many people really care, and clearly you do.

Will try to send some 'positive vibes' your way.

The same thing has happened to me three times in the past decade with both of my parents. The exalted childed one used her kids as an excuse to do as little as humanly possible while I literally moved in with my parents to care for them for months on end during recuperation and recovery from heart and kidney disease related hospitalizations. During one of those "visits" I was quite ill myself during most of it and no one gave a damn either.

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If YOU are the "exception" to what I am saying, then why does my commentary bother you so much?
I don't hate your kids, I HATE YOU!

surfinbird, contact your mother's doctor and be blunt. Tell him/her that your mother needs to be in rehab and that you ARE NOT going to take care of her any longer. Get social services involved if need be.

I don't get the whole "Who will take care of you when you're old..." schtick. Where I'm from, very few elderly even want to live with their families. From what I understand, they view it as a certain type of pride, "I can take care of myself". And if you can't take care of yourself, you can make the choice of getting checked into a retirement home where qualified people take care of you. Very, very, very few elderly choose to burden their families in this manner, because that's how they view it.

If you are mentally impaired enough due to any reason, your family can make the decision to get you checked into a place where they can take care of you instead of one's family who, unless they are in the field, know nothing of nursing a mentally impaired elder.

I remember my grandmother, for instance. She lived in her own apartment until the day she died (my uncle, her son, who is an actual nurse stayed with her the last month or so). I went and visited her every week, since this was before I moved to the States. I visited her every week for as long as I can remember; she was my friend, too. She always scoffed at the notion of having family take care of her if she couldn't, it was a shameful thing to her. "Better have someone who gets paid to do it take care of me!", she'd say.

And I tend to agree.

I remember talking about it with my lovely mother in law, and she told me that "When I get old and if I get to the point that I can't take care of myself, don't you dare wipe my ass. Put me in a home and have them take care of me. I'd die of shame if someone close to me had to clean me when I had soiled myself, feed me and bathe me. That's just cruel."

I like to think so, too. Oi, lurking breeders, is that what you are expecting later in life? The magical sprog will come along and wipe your shitty ass for you? You truly and completely WANT them to take care of you if you become so impaired that you cannot do so yourself? Way to go. I'm sure your offspring didn't have other plans anyway.

Besides, from what I see, it doesn't seem to matter one shitty little bit if you have grown children who are "supposed" to take care of you. They probably won't anyway, I've seen it happen too many times.

There's an elderly lady down the street here whom I visit sometimes, she's full of spunk and a fun person to talk to. But do her children or grandchildren visit her? Fuck no. She's even told me that she wishes they'd visit or even call more often. They don't.

So be careful where you toss that stupid bingo, breeders. Mayhaps you'll find that your sprog is too busy to ever even give you a call during your golden years.

On that site City-Data, there is a Trinidian woman who goes by the name "thewitchisback". She's always mentions that one of here number main reasons for wanting kids is to take care of her when she's that old.

After I was divorced a few years, and it was becoming apparent to my siblings and widowed mother that I had absolutely no intentions of remarrying, the subtle hints started that I should "look after Ma." They all started expecting me to drive her everywhere, spend every holiday with her, and then, when I bought my house, she started getting all excited about the guest bedroom "This would be Perfect for me!" She exclaimed gleefully. That's when the red flags went up, and I started getting proactive. I don't mind doing my fair share, but my mother has lots of other children and adult grandchildren, and dammit, fair is fair! So I started making sister take her to family-related events, once in awhile, and reminding the others who lived a bit further that the road goes both ways. Finally, I flat out told my mother that she couldn't live with me. When she asked why not? I simply told her that she wouldn't approve of my lifestyle, and dropped it at that. So then she started thinking I was the town whore, but that's okay! LOL Now I have a BF and three cats, and she doesn't like animals, so that was the end of that!

One of my best friends, who I hardly see anymore had a baby 10 months ago. Why?

Because him and his wife were concerned about someone taking care of them when they were old. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT!

My mother is totally wearing out her welcome here. I am looking into rehab centers tomorrow when her home care nurse and PT are here.

This may turn ranty. This is a real sore spot with me, since I am estranged from my elderly, completely TOXIC father. After the incident that caused the estrangement, I went to a counselor for a few months. When I explained the lifelong situation to her in the early appointments, she just shook her head and said that he is textbook "personality disorder."

Dealing with him during my mom's terminal cancer was a complete nightmare. After she was gone, I just couldn't do it anymore....and he's got plenty of serious health problems of his own AND can well afford home health care or even a retirement/assisted living situation but refuses.

Just recently the paper had an article about adult children who are caregivers for their elderly parents. Even when the relationship is a good one, it's a tremendous stress on these people. The article talked about how this affects the caregivers' health and how it can cut the life expectancy of the caregiver by ten years.

Why would any LOVING parent want to do this to their children? I don't fucking get it. I don't have any brats, but I STILL am taking steps (at age 50) to ensure that I'm not a burden on my husband or my brother or anyone else.

I'm probably not the best person to chime in on this. I admit I'm quite bitter. I feel for surfinbird and others dealing with this. Surfinbird, absolutely look into a rehab situation for your mom. It sounds cold and heartless, but you really have to consider your own wellbeing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Shauna's like a gluten-free Jim Jones for dumb, lifeless middle-aged women. I swear, this bitch could set fire to a orphanage and they would applaud her for bringing them light. ~ Miss Hannigan

I hear ya, surfinbird. My dad has Alzheimer's. Don't even get me started on how the two of us with no kids are responsible for EVERYTHING. I can feel my blood pressure rising as I type this.

i've watched my parents fight the system to get my autistic sister services, basically the state wants to save money thats why they sent her home with you. Thestate has tried similar tricks with trying to send her home with my family (and her needs are way too high for us to accomodate) so my mom had to basically tell them that she is not welcome home and that if they won't take her she will be homeless, and ofcourse the state in that case would HAVE TO put her her somewhere.

So as horrible as it sounds, you are going to have to tell them (unless you want to keep her in the home) that you cannot care for her and if they will not take her she will be homeless, drop her off at a hospital if you have to, trust me in this case they will put her in a facility. They put her with you to SAVE MONEY, period.

Good luck!

The home care nurse was just here and told my mother that "the reason why we have kids in the first place is so that someone looks after us when we are old".

Um, yup. I hope that her kids leave her ass in a filthy, county run nursing home.

Who decided that she didn't need rehab because you should look after her? That could be considered a kind of malpractice. If she would have otherwise gone to professional rehab, and they (doctor?) just decided you would be good enough - just, no. We can say no to these things and we should. It is none of "their" business if you are CF or not, and has no bearing on anything.

I here u CF Gullah! That is all I hear to!

There's an elderly lady down the street here whom I visit sometimes, she's full of spunk and a fun person to talk to. But do her children or grandchildren visit her? Fuck no. She's even told me that she wishes they'd visit or even call more often. They don't.


Don't be so sure she's a wonderful person. My father is charm itself to outsiders and a toxic asshole to family.

I hear all of you. My parents also seem to have plenty of visitors and I'm sure they say we never visit. Heck, my mother said she hadn't heard from my 2 sisters for 2 weeks, which they told me was untrue. I do believe them, since I spend the most time with my parents, being CF and geo-located closer, I know how confused she is. She's on a lot of meds, doesn't know what day it is, etc. My sisters email me all the time, and I check my mom's email, and I see their emails to her. And I know they also call, because they do so when I happen to be there. I told them I bet she says the same thing about me!

One is out of state with 2 jobs and a grade-schooler (my BIL is also awesome, works hard), and the other is a 3 hours away, compared to my 2 hours, and has a crazy job. Her kids are grown and she has really stepped up a lot recently.

BUT, breeders need to understand: if you have kids, make damn sure one is CF, because that is the one you need.

Aside from it being the shittiest retirement plan ever, the trend of parents raising their kids to be entitled and self-absorbed pretty much insured that these kids won't think nothing of dumping their parents into a nursing home because they don't want to be inconvenienced.

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JoJo
There's an elderly lady down the street here whom I visit sometimes, she's full of spunk and a fun person to talk to. But do her children or grandchildren visit her? Fuck no. She's even told me that she wishes they'd visit or even call more often. They don't.


Don't be so sure she's a wonderful person. My father is charm itself to outsiders and a toxic asshole to family.

I've seen people like this. They are trouble.

---

lab mom

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WaterLily

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JoJo
There's an elderly lady down the street here whom I visit sometimes, she's full of spunk and a fun person to talk to. But do her children or grandchildren visit her? Fuck no. She's even told me that she wishes they'd visit or even call more often. They don't.


Don't be so sure she's a wonderful person. My father is charm itself to outsiders and a toxic asshole to family.

I've seen people like this. They are trouble.

Certain types of Personality Disorders are known for this. Such as Narcissitic Personality Disorder & High Functioning Borderline Personality Disorder

I'm sorry you're going through that. And it sucks that your siblings aren't helping. Can you get your doctor to document how your ankle means you can't take care of her? I'm sorry she's wearing out her welcome. It's nice how they treat the kid who helps them like shit and glorify the other ones, isn't it?

I don't have any proof, but I think this was part of the reason my sister-in-law was trying to be a flying monkey for my likely Personality Disordered mother. I'm the single, CF one, I can take care of her. Fuck, hell no!!!!! I nearly lost my mind the 2 weeks I took care of the miserable bitch after she got a mastectomy. Apologies to those who have heard the story before, but I gave up 2 weeks of vacation, spent the plane fare to travel to take care of her and was screamed at for how I was treating her like she was stupid because I was listening to what the nurse was telling me about wound care and asking questions. The screaming, etc. was so bad, the nurse patted me on the shoulder and gave me a sympathetic look at one point.

She also told me if I didn't lose weight, I might get breast cancer too. Meanwhile, my brother had a friend of his send flowers on his behalf for Mother's Day. He was in prison at the time, so he couldn't do it himself. He was the best son ever.

She routinely scapegoated me and made him her golden sprog. So, you know what, her golden sprog can care for her when she's old.

When I went through the estrangement, I went for counseling. When I mentioned to the counselor I couldn't take care of her if she needs it when she's old, he replied, "good, I won't have to check the suicidal tendencies/self harm boxes".

She would also occasionally get violent with me as a kid. I would hope I could be the better person and not give some payback, but I can't trust myself. And she's already lied about me and started nasty rumors about how cruel I am to her with the rest of the family, so I wouldn't put it past the nasty bitch to make shit up about me and make a false accusation. Then guess who would have to spend money on a lawyer to get out of legal trouble? NO FUCKING WAY WILL I SUBJECT MYSELF TO THAT.

I feel guilty if I don't take care of her, because I have an autard brother. Of course, he's perfectly high functioning and all. He's the result of what happens when you take an Ass Burger kid and walk on eggshells around them because of their bratty tantrums.

They grow up to be oversized children who are completely self centered - and still throwing tantrums. They have zero coping skills, and the family still, for some odd reason, puts them on a pedestal.

So, he gets to go to work and obsess over his hobbies, and here I am with Mom.

I told her today that she needs to go home. She's improved enough that she can. But, she doesn't want to deal with my brother. I'm sure he's made a complete mess of the house, and once she's home, he's going to expect her to wait on him hand and foot.

Oh well. :bedmadelie

My grandma is an amazing, loving person and I miss her sooo much. I just got back from vacation to see her; unfortunately I live all the way across the country from her and only make enough to afford the occasional trip after my basics are covered. This vacation cost me my entire savings. My grandma and dad gave me wads of cash to cover a lot of it and my boyfriend paid for our car rental so I'm not out TOO much but if not for them I'd be having white hair right about now because my savings and checking would be about $2.

Anyway, Grandma is about to turn 93 and just recently quit driving. She lives in a senior citizens trailer park, her house is beautiful, they all are. She's still VERY independent, can walk (slowly), do chores and cook, and her mind is sharp as a tack. We play cards together and talk about family when I see her, we also do crafts and work on puzzles.

My biggest heartbreak in life right now is not being able to be near her and her brother all the time (who is a WW2 veteran and in a wheelchair; he lost a leg in combat and is now in a Veteran's home where they treat him extremely well).

The person closest to Grandma and Great Uncle is Grandma's recently retired and staunchly CF son, who visits both frequently, as an unbreakable promise he made to our beloved Grandpa who passed away 10 years ago.

So yes, it is the CF children who do the caretaking. If my boyfriend and I ever break up, I'm going home to take care of Grandma. Unfortunately I can't right now as boyfriend is in the military and I think we might someday get married. I suspect that since he and I are not planning on children, there will be more than one parent relying on us later in life.

I'm so not stable enough to be taking care of my mother.

My mother is a contrarian. Tonight, she insisted on me preparing a dinner that had gravy in it, because my brother was coming, when she knows that gravy can upset her stomach. I refused a few times, and then ended up making it with half the amount of gravy. It was a bit dry, but whatever.

Naturally, my mother developed diarrhea. This has to be the tenth time since she's been here that I have had to clean diarrhea off of my mother, the rug, the floor and the bathroom. I had to throw out the bathroom rug. When I offer her Imodium, she refuses, saying she would rather "everything come out". Tonight I demanded that she take it. She took one instead of two.

The A/C is broken in my apartment, and Gallett Air is coming tomorrow morning. So it's very hot, very humid, I have a migraine, I feel mentally shaky and now it smells like shit in here.

I wish I had someone to help me. I'm going to have a nervous breakdown.

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Snark Shark

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surfinbird
I'm so not stable enough to be taking care of my mother.

My mother is a contrarian. Tonight, she insisted on me preparing a dinner that had gravy in it, because my brother was coming, when she knows that gravy can upset her stomach. I refused a few times, and then ended up making it with half the amount of gravy. It was a bit dry, but whatever.

Naturally, my mother developed diarrhea. This has to be the tenth time since she's been here that I have had to clean diarrhea off of my mother, the rug, the floor and the bathroom. I had to throw out the bathroom rug. When I offer her Imodium, she refuses, saying she would rather "everything come out". Tonight I demanded that she take it. She took one instead of two.

The A/C is broken in my apartment, and Gallett Air is coming tomorrow morning. So it's very hot, very humid, I have a migraine, I feel mentally shaky and now it smells like shit in here.

I wish I had someone to help me. I'm going to have a nervous breakdown.

and THIS is why FAMILY can't take care of FAMILY. old family crap/relationships/arguments ALWAYS come up.

and gravy is basically grease that's kinda tasty.

"It was a bit dry, but whatever."

KETCHUP. it goes on ALL foods.

She wanted me to make this beef stew that I make once in a while. Unfortunately, you need to use BUTTER to make the gravy that goes with it. I ended up getting rid of half of it, otherwise she would have been a lot sicker.

I knew better, but I just wanted her to STFU.

Hang in there, surfinbird. I've been near a breakdown myself a few times. The AC will get fixed soon, the effects of the gravy on your mom's stomach will pass, and things will get better.