Adult children who refuse move out

Because they don't want to.

Story 1

Story 2

Story 3

Story 4

I wonder if it was still all worth it.

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"Be yourself, no matter what. Some will adore you, and some will hate everything about you, but who cares?

It's your life. Make the most out of it."

Hah. From #4

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he's ruined my marriage.. my husband refuses to have anything to do with my kids now.. we have separated because he forced me to choose between him and my kids... I feel guilty because I chose my kids and now I'm lonely, depressed and completely hopeless and kind of wish I chose my husband instead. My life would be so much easier if I had chosen my husband.

Too bad; so sad. Your husband understood the situation right from the start and did the smart thing. Instead of creating a united front that might have wrangled your insufferable brats, you chose poorly. So much for the "mother love" that is said to be worth more than the ordinary love between two adults.

#3 - I'm guessing the father might go the same route. His wife is hamstringing his efforts to get his son out of the house. He should tell her to STFU and let him handle it or she'll end up a divorcee with a deadbeat kid to deal with on her own.

There is no way in hell an adult of any age or relation would live in my home while treating me like shit. Of course, anybody I would let move in with me would told so from the get-go. The problem with these "adult children" is that they get all the privileges and perks of being adults while having none of the responsibility. Barring sudden hard times, unpreventable tragedies like natural disasters and fires or sudden illness I can't think of too many reasons for all these re-nesters than just plain old laziness. The parents never set them up to transition to adulthood and the losers never had an initiative to move out themselves.

I know several multi-generational households and they just don't have the loser dynamic that these fail-to-launch or boomeranger households have. In a functional setting, it serves a purpose to have somebody who can care for the elderly, or provide childcare while others work. If I had acted the way any of these 4 overgrown brats did my parents would have shown me the door. Their house, their rules. Then again, I would be so humiliated I would not have made them go through the eviction process.

I've got to admit...I'm a boomerang.

I spent my 20s saving money to travel (with the blessing of my dad, I might add). Then I came here to China to teach, and when i go home, I go back to Mum & Dad. When I leave here for good (next june), then I'll be going home to Mum & Dad.

There are many reasons why adult children have to stay at home - many of them financial. In the UK now, if you're single (and childfree/less) and earning average wage, it's so difficult to be able to afford to rent somewhere yourself without having to go into houseshares.

My dad and I had a chat, the same as he had with my younger sister. We are ok to stay at home as long as we pay rent and don't treat the place like a hotel. Dad said basically, he's open to a proper, adult, mature houseshare situation, but not an unequal situation.

As soon as my sister or I have enough to put a deposit on a house, we'll be gone.

The other rule my Dad has is that if either of us were to sprog, we'd be out. He'd throw us onto the street. He's donw his baby raising days and doesn't want to do them again!

I live in a house close to my parents and I work with them (I hope to inherit the family business ). For economic reason, instead of paying my whole wage, they pay the flat I share with my sis (it costs less so due to rather complicate decisions made with our landowner). Still, I do pay for my flat.

I can't understand why somebody wouldn't want indipendence ò.ò

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“I was talking about children that have not been properly house-trained. Left to their own impulses and indulged by doting or careless parents almost all children are yahoos. Loud, selfish, cruel, unaffectionate, jealous, perpetually striving for attention, empty-headed, for ever prating or if words fail them simply bawling, their voices grown huge from daily practice: the very worst company in the world. But what I dislike even more than the natural child is the affected child, the hulking oaf of seven or eight that skips heavily about with her hands dangling in front of her -- a little squirrel or bunny-rabbit -- and prattling away in a baby's voice.”


― Patrick O'Brian, The Truelove


lib'-er-ty: the freedom given to you to make the wrong decision, based on the reasoned belief that you will normally make the right one.

I am reading all this and my mother and my younger, brother, who I will call Dan, are in a similar situation. He is 42 and I am 12 years his senior. I don't live there anymore because I cannot bear it. My mother is 85. For at least the past 2 years Dan has been a full-blown alcoholic. In the past 2 years he has been through 2 detox-rehabs and refuses to go again. He also refuses to go to AA meetings. He is not now working but has retired from the Air National Guard and the Air Force. He used to work as an electrical engineer but now just drinks beer shot with vodka.

Mom is letting him live in her house to "get better" but I think she is actually enabling him. Dan continues to drink every day and when he is (often) drunk he is sooooo nasty. Worse yet, she acts as his "servant" so me and my sisters get angry phone calls from her when something is out of place, as in "Where is Dan's camera tripod!?!?!?"
I don't know, I took MY camera. In fact, lately, she has been worse than Dan is and she is angry and mean and yelling all the time when she did not used to be.

I and now my sisters go to Al-Anon and we have tried to get mom to go but she outright refuses. I cannot believe I have heard as many excuses as she does. We have offered to let her live with us but again, she refuses. And she does not want to "leave Dan alone for a long time". Does that not sound familiar?

Twice Dan has been so drunk he was passed out and even though mom threatens to call 911 she has not. She is afraid that he will be combative to the EMTs (Thom, tell me, is that actually an issue?). Perhaps if he was so drunk to be taken away, we were hoping that he would be 302'd but that never happened. He is eligible to be treated by the VA but of course he refuses because the last time he was there someone "beat him up" (yeah, right).

Since I have moved out 2 years ago the house is turning into a mess too. Dan often does not flush and his hygiene has become worse.

Now we find out that his guns are in the house too. I am worried but I could not stand to be there because both of them are mean to me, usually because something "upset Dan".

Now, I am beginning to wonder if my mother could use a 302. I understand if this is too much to handle. I will tell more if you want to know. But this is one reason we have a basement dweller.

I do not view my situation so much as failing to launch, but more of my parents refusing to go to the old folks' home...

The thing is, in all four of these stories, the kids are not independent period. I'm not against living with your parents past a certain age, but if they're covering all your expenses and you're doing nothing to try to help that or just lazing around, I think that's a problem.

t., chahu - You still take care of yourselves. The ones in these stories don't and refuse.

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"Be yourself, no matter what. Some will adore you, and some will hate everything about you, but who cares?

It's your life. Make the most out of it."

I have a couple of relatives like that. For example, my stepdad's eldest brother's loser alcoholic son. He's in his thirties, can't keep a job, still lives with Duh and mooches off him, or anyone else dumb enough to give him money. Oh, and loser has a kid. No surprise there.
I'm thinking Duhddy's alcoholic teenaged daughter will end up moving back home after she flunks out of university. I'm surprised the middle son moved out on his own, but then again he and Duh don't get along. Duh's the kind of guy who thought parenting his kids meant buying them anything they wanted while he went off and did whatever he wanted. His daughter was actually raised by nannies. I suppose he brought this on himself. Now he'll have to spend his retirement years taking care of two boomerang adult children.

I still live at home in my early 20s for financial reasons. Honestly, I'd love to live on my own, but finding affordable housing as a single person whos not eligible to suck the system, its nearly impossible (even in small town).
But I do chores and have never been disrespectful to my mother cause I know she could kick my ass out now that I'm over 18.

These people are leaving some important info out... that they coddled their offspring through their childhoods and never told them no and never taught them respect.

And *now* it's a problem?!

BML.

The thing I don't get is why live at home with your parents when you can usually, with some effort, enter into a houseshare or apartment share situation with another adult roommate? Such situations offer much more privacy in that, you know, you can bring someone home to have sex with without dealing with all the weird shit parents will project about their special snowflake *gasp* having a healthy sex life. Back in my day (*says the old woman*) you couldn't pay me to live with my parents because I wanted to, you know, learn to live on my own and have sex iwth boyfriends and be an adult and I knew that being at my parents seriously curbed that possibility. Don't people want to grow up and express themselves as adults WITHOUT their parents knowing everything that they're up to? It just seems that these days (*again, speaking as an oldster*) kids are joined at the hip with their parents in a way that my generation (I'm in my early 40's) never was. Just some thoughts. Don't mean to accuse any of you cool posters of anything, I'm just genuinely confused about the not wanting to MAKE it work with another adult housemate or housemates somewhere outside your parent's place - you really CAN do this. And it's fun!

Leaving home to live with roommates was the *most fun* time of my life. We had a blast, having friends over and checking out each others dates and doing funky decorating. Also, had to compromise and be responsible or get kicked out. It felt like true adulthood that was also fun.

Lived with flatmates, and they SUCKED.

Friend lived with flatmates, and hers sucked too.

It's not as simple as, "find some friends who want to pitch in for bills together, and party together, and have fun together! ". Your personalities and living styles have to be compatible too, and for most young people, they just aren't.

Living by MYSELF, however, was the best thing I ever did. I loved having my own place, and can't wait until I finish college and can afford that again.

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Snark Shark
"Where is Dan's camera tripod!?!?!?"

It WALKED away! It does have LEGS after all!

Snark, I would not be surprised. Dan is so nasty most of the time it probably did walk away.

I worry about my mother in that situation but there is no way I could live there with 2 people always mad at me because I did something like sneeze.

Meanwhile, Dan is doing some things that are gross and she puts up with it. If you want, I will tell the situation with the kitchen cabinets grosses me out when I cook over there, especially if I am wearing my glasses. But I understand if you don't want to know.

This situation is kind of what one finds in a Catholic priest rectory. They usually have several women there who do the priests' cooking, laundry, dusting, answering the phone telling people he is not there, in other words, everything short of wiping his ass. Should they ever be expelled for the church, none of them would know how to make even make coffee or turn on a washing machine.

Right now I live alone and love it but I don't know how long I will be able to afford it. I am looking into low income housing.

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loavesstillsuck
The thing I don't get is why live at home with your parents when you can usually, with some effort, enter into a houseshare or apartment share situation with another adult roommate? Such situations offer much more privacy in that, you know, you can bring someone home to have sex with without dealing with all the weird shit parents will project about their special snowflake *gasp* having a healthy sex life. Back in my day (*says the old woman*) you couldn't pay me to live with my parents because I wanted to, you know, learn to live on my own and have sex iwth boyfriends and be an adult and I knew that being at my parents seriously curbed that possibility. Don't people want to grow up and express themselves as adults WITHOUT their parents knowing everything that they're up to? It just seems that these days (*again, speaking as an oldster*) kids are joined at the hip with their parents in a way that my generation (I'm in my early 40's) never was. Just some thoughts. Don't mean to accuse any of you cool posters of anything, I'm just genuinely confused about the not wanting to MAKE it work with another adult housemate or housemates somewhere outside your parent's place - you really CAN do this. And it's fun!

It's not the sex part I find weird. It's the guys my parents find in the park to try to pass me off on. That. And their constant changing of the locks on the doors. You know, I could afford that first months payment on the old folks' home if I did not keep having to pay a locksmith to let me back in!

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mr. neptune
Twice Dan has been so drunk he was passed out and even though mom threatens to call 911 she has not. She is afraid that he will be combative to the EMTs (Thom, tell me, is that actually an issue?). Perhaps if he was so drunk to be taken away, we were hoping that he would be 302'd but that never happened. He is eligible to be treated by the VA but of course he refuses because the last time he was there someone "beat him up" (yeah, right).

Absoultely yes! It is a huge issue and in PA it buys a felony charge if pushed. Same thing in ER's. I can not count how many bruises I've gotten.

http://www.securitymanagement.com/news/culture-tolerance-enables-violence-against-nurses-says-hospital-administrator-009412

http://violence.emszone.com/


If he became combative with EMS there would 100% be a police interface. Depending on the police he would go to jail or buy a 302 (the less motivated the cop the more likely the 302).

One thing I will say in my experience - EMS is far more prone to push the criminal charges than hospitals.

_______________________________________________
“There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.”

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lorelei_diangelo
Lived with flatmates, and they SUCKED.

Friend lived with flatmates, and hers sucked too.

It's not as simple as, "find some friends who want to pitch in for bills together, and party together, and have fun together! ". Your personalities and living styles have to be compatible too, and for most young people, they just aren't.

Living by MYSELF, however, was the best thing I ever did. I loved having my own place, and can't wait until I finish college and can afford that again.

Oh yeah. I could not imagine living with most of my friends. I would be arrested for murder in fact with a couple of them.

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lorelei_diangelo
It's not as simple as, "find some friends who want to pitch in for bills together, and party together, and have fun together! ". Your personalities and living styles have to be compatible too, and for most young people, they just aren't.

Older folks, too.

I live in Another City, four days of the week, for my job. I really haaate paying 800+ for an apartment that isn't a home (I have a bed and a large desk, that's all). I've looked at a roommate site and could easily be matched with someone in my age range (50+) who is a non-smoker, but then I started thinking about the complications: I'd likely be matched with a divorced or widowed female; almost certain to have kids, even if they are on their own. I'd have to deal with them visiting, possibly bringing grandkids. I'm too much of a non-social person to want to adapt to the enforced camaraderie of people sharing the same space. I know that Dh wouldn't feel comfortable coming to spend the occasional weekend; us going to bed with someone he would consider a stranger lodged in the same abode. He absolutely refuses to bed down in the guest room when we visit family; we always stay in a hotel.

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lorelei_diangelo
Living by MYSELF, however, was the best thing I ever did. I loved having my own place, and can't wait until I finish college and can afford that again.

Absolutely. I sympathize with those having to live with parents because of finances or the responsibility of looking after them, but once one has had a taste of independent living I just don't see how they could adapt to living under a roof not their own.

Maybe people used to be more easygoing or something. I'd have a hard time now maybe with roommates but at a younger age it was fun living with other single friends. Yeah, you had to have a similar lifestyle for sure. The complex where I lived was mostly other single twenty-somethings with roommates. We all got to know each other. The famblee living next to us were the freaks since they had kids. LOL. And we ended up making them move.

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loavesstillsuck
The thing I don't get is why live at home with your parents when you can usually, with some effort, enter into a houseshare or apartment share situation with another adult roommate? Such situations offer much more privacy in that, you know, you can bring someone home to have sex with without dealing with all the weird shit parents will project about their special snowflake *gasp* having a healthy sex life. Back in my day (*says the old woman*) you couldn't pay me to live with my parents because I wanted to, you know, learn to live on my own and have sex iwth boyfriends and be an adult and I knew that being at my parents seriously curbed that possibility. Don't people want to grow up and express themselves as adults WITHOUT their parents knowing everything that they're up to? It just seems that these days (*again, speaking as an oldster*) kids are joined at the hip with their parents in a way that my generation (I'm in my early 40's) never was. Just some thoughts. Don't mean to accuse any of you cool posters of anything, I'm just genuinely confused about the not wanting to MAKE it work with another adult housemate or housemates somewhere outside your parent's place - you really CAN do this. And it's fun!

For many of us, it isn't that we don't want to move out and be on our own. I certainly wouldn't want to live with my parents. I had no choice but to go home after college, and wound up becoming so ill that I was hospitalized for a month. I had money saved up from a job I worked while in college, but that was completely sucked up by hospital bills. But the reason I think that many of us are stuck in financial hardships that make us stay home with our parents is because we have been saddled with very nasty student loans. Many of my friends owe $100,000's in loans. While you can go on forebearance for a while, some bank companies are so aggressive that they will not let you after a while. My loans are kind to me, but that's because much of them were paid off by my dad's estate when he died in 2006. I'm in better shape than most people my age. Many of my friends have somehow managed to move out on their own. But others struggled to get a job that would support them. When you're childless/free and working a minimum wage job, it's very difficult to get food stamps because you're considered too wealthy. I had extra trouble getting out simply because my illness nailed me hard and I couldn't work on it. Miraculously I managed to get on disability, but that doesn't really provide diddlycrap. I got out with the help of my girlfriend, and I do what I can to contribute what little I can to her so we can stay afloat. But she is one of the ones who is in 6-digit debt with her own parents having the gall to demand another few thousand that she doesn't actually owe them. Her job pays well enough that she could probably afford a better apartment or even a small house if it weren't for the weight of her loans.

The kids in these stories are just lazy bums. But I assure you that not all of us are this way.

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Kelli
I still live at home in my early 20s for financial reasons. Honestly, I'd love to live on my own, but finding affordable housing as a single person whos not eligible to suck the system, its nearly impossible (even in small town)..

When I was 18, I and 2 other people rented a house together. We had a lot of fun, and it definitely helped with paying the rent. Maybe you could find a couple of roommates?

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- The human gene pool could use a little chlorine

Rent for the house next door to my parents in the UK is about £1500/month for a 3 bed house. On average wage of £1000/m (what I was earning before I left), I couldn't afford £500/m and bills and tax.

Sadly the only affordable rents are in areas where there's no work.

If I was a single mum, I could get a house in my street from the Housing Association. If i'd been in prison, I'd be put in a halfway house and given assistance at every turn.

Because I'm childfree and law-abiding, wanting to work, I can get nothing.

Luckily for me (and my sister - a low wage earner), Mum and Dad can see this happening all around and have decided they'd rather us stay with them until we can afford to move out rather than throwing money at landlords preventing us from saving.

Neither of us particularly wants to be staying at our parents' house, but we have no choice. We both pay rent (I do when I'm home anyway...), and chip in for bills and food and stuff.

Now, if (like the 2012 thread asks) we were all truly equal, the child free and the childed, then we'd be able to get help. We pay tax, yet see nothing from it. Unlike other people...

My family is going into a family business next year, so hopefully along with the business, we'll all get to live independently but on the same land (long story...).

Most people I know who have moved out of home are either single parents who had the council house them and then moved in their FOTM, or married and both sets of parents paid for the deposit on their houses. My parents can't afford to pay half the deposit on a house, and I wouldn't expect them to either.

It's about making the best of a bad situation at the moment. It's a situation that's very difficult to get out of alone and there's very little help unless you have dependents (I tried...dogs don't count...).

I'm in kind of an odd position with my living situation. I'm still at home too, but it's not by choice. Most people here know how nuts my mother is and I don't WANT to live in this nut house, but I must because 1) No one wants to hire me because I have almost no work experience and employers here are not willing to work with college schedules, 2) Rent is insanely high because everyone wants to rent to the oil drillers who come here from all over the country that make $50 an hour. I found a newspaper from 2001 and a one-bedroom might only be $300-$400 a month. Now, a one-bedroom is anywhere from $700-$1200 a month. And 3) My mother would absolutely do everything she could to prevent me from leaving. Because she feels I'm too dumb to know how to live on my own. Most parents want their kids to get the fuck out, but not mine.

Knowing all this, I am admittedly not enthused about looking for work because I know no one will hire me anyway. I feel lazy, but I know it's useless to waste time writing applications when they'll just get thrown right in the trash when employers see my tiny work history and/or the degrees I have. I also question if I will ever be able to live on a shitty salary with massive student debt on top of everyday bills. Of course, since my mother chose for me to go to college, I might just tell my lenders to forward all bills to her. She wanted me to go to kawledge so damn bad after I said very specifically I did NOT want to, then she can foot the bill.

I don't want to act like I'm a special snowflake exception, but just saying that not every adult who lives at home is there because they way to be or they're lazy sacks of shit. These fuckers in these stories, though, are some real special snowflakes. I love the ass in #1 who breaks into the house because Mommy changed the locks and he no likey. Most of the grown kids in those stories are right assholes, so I can see why their parents (who are probably actually somewhat sane) want them out.

Cost of living has gone up, but salaries have not. It was pretty much simple math for me. I lived with my mom until I moved across the country to be with BF (now dh) in my mid-twenties.

When my parents were just starting out in life they had their own house, nice cars and furniture. Neither of them had a college degree. It was entirely possible to actually live off the job you worked at. Not just scrimping and barely sustaining an existence, but an actual life you could enjoy living. By the time I was trying to start out in life, $8/h jobs were the norm in the area, $10/h jobs were considered golden and precious. Rent for a tiny apartment in a complex populated by welfare moms and their douche-bag boyfriends ran about $1000 a month. Yeah, I did the roommate thing for awhile. Until she decided to not pay her half of the rent and we got evicted.

Believe me, it was not fun living with my mom and her husband. I'm a very domestic person and desperately wanted my own place to decorate and keep.