Have you had a personal situation that helped you decide to be child free?

I'm seeing a theme that has come up a few times - people thinking they want children because "thats what everyone does", and then later on realising that one buck the trend.

I knew from a young age (maybe 6 or 7) that I didn't want to get married and didn't want to have kids. Hell, just about all boys that age say the same thing ("girl germs, yuck!"). I've since changed my mind about marriage (nothing on the horizon, though, I'm afraid), but it wasn't till a few years ago that I fully realised the desire to not have children.

I always thought that having kids was one of those things that will "happen someday", even though I wasn't too keen on it. Kind of like school exams - no one looks forward to it, but everyone has to go through the experience. Anyway, one slow afternoon at work I was reading some of the entries on the Usenet newsgroup alt.tasteless where I first encountered the term "Child Free". I think the posting in question was by a psychologist who had decided there are too many fucked up people in the world having kids, and this person had made a concious decision not to do so themself. I must say, I was a bit shocked, thinking how cold and mean this person must be. When I cought myself thinking that, I said to myself "Hang on a minute, what is actually WRONG with that? It's not like he's killing children, he just doesn't WANT any of his own!"
I know this might sound a bit odd, but it wasn't until then that I realised that you COULD actually make a concious decision to "opt-out" of having children. It was like one of those cartoon lightbulbs lighting up above my head. "Hey, I DON'T HAVE TO have children. I have a CHOICE!". Yeah, I know, it sounds so obvious now, but I guess if you have been programmed (socially or by parents, etc) that "everyone has children", then considering the opposite might seem like a crazy notion.

It also wasn't long after that, that people I knew started to have kids (I was in my early-mid 20s by then). As we all know, you lose contact with friends once they breed, and they are never the same people after that. I would sometimes go to their houses and see how chaotic their lives were, being glad that I can at least go home afterwards and not deal with screaming brats.

I'm also the oldest of four, which I thought was too many. We weren't poor, but we weren't rolling in cash, either. When I thought that I would eventually have kids some day, I vowed to only have two and no more. Most of my friends came from 2-child families, and they seemed to be better off - less squabbling and fighting and they had "better" toys and could go to amusement parks and other "expensive activities" more often. Yeah, it sounds materialistic, but when you are 10 those are the things you deem to be important, and even then I could see how splitting things 2 ways left more for each person than splitting things 4 ways. Yeah, I'm a greedy prick, I'd rather have more than less, so sue me. Maybe this is why I'm now a big fan of population control - the more people you have wanting the same resource, the less each person will receive, its basic math.

Also, another theme I've seen in this posting is the traumatic experience at school. Well, mine was certainly no bowl of cherries. I never got beaten up as such, but I had to put up with a lot of bullshit from other students - I was a nerd, was overweight, I didn't give a fuck about sports or popular music or latest bullshit clothing labels the "cool" kids used to get, and all the other signs of individuality that makes you a target. Fuck 'em. And if I did have kids, why the hell would I want to subject them to this shit? Even expensive prive schools still have little assholes making other kid's lives miserable.

Feh Wrote:
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> When I got pregnant at 19 with my first boyfriend,
> I figured we'd keep it, because that's what people
> in love did, even though we were barely able to
> feed ourselves. My mother and father sat us both
> down for a long discussion about what it's like to
> have a child when you are young and poor, which
> was what had happened to them when they had me.
> That discussion ended up with an abortion, which
> they helped to finance.

You are fortunate to have good parents who truly wanted a good life for you. Most parents would have pushed for that baby to be born. My mom also supports my childfree life very much.

I knew as a child how I never wanted to be a moo. I did not like being around babies or small children. Older kids were not that much better. Before knowing anything re: feminism, I saw how many women who were divorced in the Seventies were not doing well as single mothers with too little income and often NO child support.

I did not make the decision for the "environment" but because I always knew I was not a maternal and nurturing person. I would write more but got to get going...

My mother does NOT support my chidlfree choice. When my father was alive, he wholeheartedly supported it. You can't even bring it up around her and she starts with the jabs and comments directed towards me. Her reasons are purely selfish ones, she just wants a grandbrat to parade around in front of her friends who do have grandkids. Get over it GRANDMOO.

The other day we went shopping and she had me in every damned baybee store and toy store shopping for shit for my brother's 2 kids. I think she does this shit on purpose. What a waste of my time.

My father also supports my decision. When it comes up in conversation, he's always like, "You always were a very smart girl."
My mother isn't as keen on it as he is. But she won't challenge me on it. In fact it's very interesting, but nobody in my family will challenge me on it.

Looking back, I am lucky to have the parents I do. Sure, they had their goals for me, but what eventually came about was they really wanted was a daughter who was happy with her life. Probably a lot of that had to do with the fact that I was self-harming, suicidally depressed for about 20 years of my life, and while they might not have taken the life path they did if they hadn't gotten pregnant with me, once I got here they did their best to try to raise me.

Sadly, a lot of parents don't seem to care how happy or miserable their kids are. They had kids because "it's what people did", and expected their children to do "what people do" in all manner of life paths (job, family, hobbies, whatever). Now that some of us aren't living out the expected "life script", parents are all cheesed off because you aren't helping them fulfill THEIR life script of being doting grandparents to a quiverfull. Really, the next time someone tells me that their parenting is a selfless act, I'm going to ask what they hope for their child, and how happy they'll be if their child has it's own mind and takes a different life path from the one they'd hoped. My guess is they'll lie and say "oh I'll be totally happy if Snotford is a gay cab driver who makes leather bondage gear in his spare time and refuses to have a long term relationship, or children"... even if that's the path that makes him happiest.

"It truly is the one commonality that every designation of humans you can think of has, there's at least one asshole."
--Me

grizzlycat Wrote:
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> Same here again, only my "babysitting" at age 12
> consisted of playing helper to the neighbor woman
> (that my mom stuck us with before & after school)
> take care of the 12 younger kids she babysat along
> with me!
>
> The stench, constant illnesses & noise purged any
> molecule of breederness I might have had from my
> DNA forever.


I lived at a babysitter's house from age 5 - 12. I was one of the overnighters. This woman, who was a horrid creature, took care of a lot of "daytrippers" as we called them: kids who were picked up after their mothers or fathers got off work from day jobs.

Agnes, who is now dead, was a nasty older woman. She claimed to love kids and looking after them at a reduced rate since she really did not need the $$$ due to her not being able to have any of her own children. Always watch out for the people who claim to love those kiddies. They are often the meanest to children. Look at the adoptive parents who go through so much trouble to adopt yet they end up abusing the adopted children!

Back to the topic...

I also had to help Agnes with the toddlers as well as feed the babies their bottles and help with changing the shit cloths. I knew as a young girl how I did NOT want to be a moo. Agnes always snidely said how I did not care much for the "little ones". It was and still is true! I resented doing this bitch's cunt work that she was getting paid by other parents to do. Doing dishes after supper was one thing but taking care of these sprogs was fucked up!

grizzlycat Wrote:
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> Mine SAID the patented "we want you to be happy",
> but as the 1st born & a daughter, they really
> wanted me to be a Marcia Brady clone.
>
> So along comes me, baby #1, hates dolls, babies,
> loves animals, science, tomboyish (the nerdy kind)
> artistic, wants to be the 1st woman on Mars, hates
> proms, dances, etc. I pretty much spent my whole
> teen years in severe depression with no friends &
> a raging case of OCD, bordering on Anorexia due to
> my unconsciously hating myself for not being this
> ideal daughter. I think I cried my way thru high
> school.


I also hated the high school years! My mom also wanted a Marcia Brady which is what she was: her words were that she was "the cat's meow" in high school. My mom is a good woman but a bit on the vain side. I did not "date" or do the prom thing in H.S., either. For one thing, I never liked teenage boys even when I was a teen. Also, I thought the prom was so dippy with the equally dippy dresses. No thank-you. And...I never liked dolls as a kid...except the Barbies with the airplane which I would crash...

Non-PoliticallyCorrect Wrote:
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> I always thought that having kids was one of those
> things that will "happen someday", even though I
> wasn't too keen on it.

Me too, I thought it was a kind of inevitable burden I had to bear.

I realised that you COULD actually
> make a concious decision to "opt-out" of having
> children. It was like one of those cartoon
> lightbulbs lighting up above my head. "Hey, I
> DON'T HAVE TO have children. I have a CHOICE!".

The lightbulb went on for me officialy about 5 years ago, even though I deep down always knew kids weren't right for me. It meant alot less pressure & tears for me & my marriage & it brought me & my husband closer together. I've never been happier.

> Most of my friends came from
> 2-child families, and they seemed to be better off
> - less squabbling and fighting and they had
> "better" toys and could go to amusement parks and
> other "expensive activities" more often. Yeah, it
> sounds materialistic, but when you are 10 those
> are the things you deem to be important,

I knew several only-child friends that I envied- both for having more "stuff', and most of all for having parents who were not as overwhelmed with money problems. I'd give anything for my parents to have only had one or 2 of us, just to stop the arguing & my dad drinking- all over money. I felt horrible guilt for their $ issues growing up.

> Also, another theme I've seen in this posting is
> the traumatic experience at school. Well, mine was
> certainly no bowl of cherries. I never got beaten
> up as such, but I had to put up with a lot of
> bullshit from other students - I was a nerd, was
> overweight, I didn't give a fuck about sports or
> popular music or latest bullshit clothing labels
> the "cool" kids used to get, and all the other
> signs of individuality that makes you a target.
> Fuck 'em. And if I did have kids, why the hell
> would I want to subject them to this shit? Even
> expensive prive schools still have little assholes
> making other kid's lives miserable.

EXACTLY!!! My high school years were hell on earth. I was so shy & nerdy that I was made fun of constantly (by other girls) & pretty much physically sick from it all the time. I had an IQ test stating I was above average but since my mind wasn't there I got all D's. I went around in a dark cloud feeling comfortably numb. My mom kept telling me to snap out of it & go out & get friends- and that I HAD to conform to be happy. I wouldn't subject my worst enemy to being a teenager.

grizzlycat Wrote:
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> EXACTLY!!! My high school years were hell on
> earth. I was so shy & nerdy that I was made fun of
> constantly (by other girls) & pretty much
> physically sick from it all the time. I had an IQ
> test stating I was above average but since my mind
> wasn't there I got all D's. I went around in a
> dark cloud feeling comfortably numb. My mom kept
> telling me to snap out of it & go out & get
> friends- and that I HAD to conform to be happy. I
> wouldn't subject my worst enemy to being a
> teenager.


I want to bitch slap breeders who tell their bullied kids to just "snap out of it" and get some friends. Nothing of this sort is tolerated on the job. Companies make it very clear re: harassment during orientation due to the lawsuits. I bet the schools would crack down if each school lost a ton of taxpayer $$$ for not dealing with bullies. Many high school dropouts do so because they are tired of being harassed since grade school and just want out. Their education and how their livelihoods are affected as they will be stuck in shit jobs due to giving up their schooling due to other kids abusing them. Private schools have the same cunts-in-training and cocksuckers as the government school. I was fortunate to be an only child but it made me even more childfree despite not having to suffer financially.

amethusos* Wrote:
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> I also hated the high school years! My mom also
> wanted a Marcia Brady which is what she was: her
> words were that she was "the cat's meow" in high
> school.

The CAT'S MEOW??? Sad!

My mom wasn't vain, she was insecure- overweight & self-conscious in high school, so she wanted me- the oldest kid- to be Marcia Brady so she could
brag & make herself feel worthy. Now she uses my niece & nephew for that.

amethusos* Wrote:
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> I want to bitch slap breeders who tell
> their bullied kids to just "snap out of it" and
> get some friends.

Slap away!!!

I heard "snap out of it" several times a week, and then for school pics she'd put blush on me 'cause I looked so pale...No shit Mrs Sherlock! Who wouldn't be paled out being that ill with depression? Fuck, parents are stooopid.

> I bet the schools would crack down if
> each school lost a ton of taxpayer $$$ for not
> dealing with bullies.

They don't deal with them...they do nothing until the bullied kid brings a gun to class. Then the bullies are suddenly "innocent victims".

I think I was just born CF. I never felt as though I needed to have children, mostly because I felt I was too fat, ugly and stupid for any man to want me (self-esteem issues? Me? Nah, of course not). I always favored animals to people - my Barbie dolls all got stripped, beheaded and drawn on with markers and nail polish. Someone got me a Baby Alive once and I got tired of it shitting itself, so I crammed a half-melted Tootsie Roll up its ass and down its throat. The only reason I did not take Home Ec. in high school was because I didn't want to take care of one of those bloody screaming dolls (hey, I wanted to learn how to cook and sew).

But what really, really sealed my decision was being forced to babysit my toddler cousin without pay (since, you know, family = free babysitters). My aunt would very often come to my mom's house unannounced and drop off her kid on the weekend so she could go run the roads - she couldn't bear to give up her social life, and she didn't want anyone finding out she had a kid with a man who wasn't her BF of over 20 years. Now, Aunt didn't work - her husband's wallet was fat enough that she could be a SAHM. And she dumps her kid on one of her hardest-working siblings on one of her two days off.

I hated the kid putting her sticky hands all over my toys, my bed, my artwork, and tormenting my cats. She wasn't misbehaving, but I don't like snot-encrusted hands touching my beloved Sonic plushies. I lost the ability to play mindless kiddy games when I was about seven, so I couldn't bring myself to play pretend with my cousin.

I realized that parenthood and forced, unpaid babysitting were practically the same thing. I decided at that point that I would not make such a mistake in my life as to spawn. I am very cold and indifferent to children, but I fawn all over cats, be they my own or someone else's.

grizzlycat Wrote:
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> They don't deal with them...they do nothing until
> the bullied kid brings a gun to class. Then the
> bullies are suddenly "innocent victims".

I think it is great when the bullies and the teachers who looked the ither way get gunned down. Too fucking bad for them. It is just the "cost of doing business"....

grizzlycat Wrote:
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> amethusos* Wrote:
> --------------------------------------------------
> -----
> > I also hated the high school years! My mom also
> > wanted a Marcia Brady which is what she was:
> her
> > words were that she was "the cat's meow" in
> high
> > school.
>
> The CAT'S MEOW??? Sad!

Tell me about it. Even as a teen, I thought it was my mom's way of trying to still be Miss Thing despite her outer beauty.

Cambion Wrote:
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> Someone got me a Baby
> Alive once and I got tired of it shitting itself,
> so I crammed a half-melted Tootsie Roll up its ass
> and down its throat.

Bwaaahahahaha!
>
> I realized that parenthood and forced, unpaid
> babysitting were practically the same thing. I
> decided at that point that I would not make such a
> mistake in my life as to spawn.

EXACTLY the same thing! Taking care of little kids is like a life sentence!!! Who'd sign up for that shit!

Cambion Wrote:
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Someone got me a Baby
> Alive once and I got tired of it shitting itself,
> so I crammed a half-melted Tootsie Roll up its ass
> and down its throat.

One of my childhood friends had that doll. I guess it needed to be cleaned regularly, since the doll had to be "fed" with real baby food; hers got infested with maggots!

I never asked for baby dolls. I liked Barbies, and the regular, bigger dolls I had were something pretty like a ballerina, or a porcelain doll with old-fashioned clothes.

I think it's creepy when people thrust realistic baby dolls onto little girls. I was in Target once, and I saw this mom and her little girl; the little girl, who looked to be about five, was pushing around a miniature stroller with a doll in it. That really offended me! I think something like the American Girl dolls are better for young girls; they're not slutty like Bratz, but they're also not part of breeder propoganda-they help to let kids be kids.

LucyTrainWreck,

I agree about the American Girl dolls vs. baby dolls or the "Slutz" dolls. The AGD's stories are about intelligent girls who did something worthwhile instead of just being mammas or mini- slutz.

Coming in late on this, but this is a great thread. I enjoyed reading what everyone wrote.

I really identified with this from CFADINNYC:

"Actually, I knew from an early age that I did not want to be a mother - from about age 9 or 10. I did not like being a kid myself and could not wait to grow up and be self sufficient. I also looked at my mother and thought her job was the crappiest job in the world. It seemed unfulfilling, boring and thankless.'

I grew up in the South. My mother gave me and my siblings a never-ending helping of Southern-fried bullshit about the "joys" of raising children: 1. It's a woman's true destiny; 2. These years were the most fulfilling of her life; 3. blah, blah, blah, horseshit, blah, blah, blah.

It's funny how none of my siblings bought this. We all remember her as frustrated and bored. Even at a young age, I could see how my father had a better deal: he went out into the world and traveled in his job and she got to stay home and deal with kids. I was an early articulator and announced at age 9 that I wouldn't be having children. Of course, this freaked my mom out because it was an indictment of all the "sacrifices" she made for us. (And believe me, she let us know about those sacrifices every day. She was incredibly resentful.) Actually, my father died at a young age and while she was resentful that she was "stuck with you kids," she was almost happier going out in the world, completing her education and going back to work.

As far as a single event making me childfree, the death of my father reinforced my decision. By all accounts, my parents had a good marriage, but even when the woman gets The Fairy Tale that so many women want today, staying home and raising the children of a high income producer, it's still a tedious, soul-sucking job. Also, there is no guarantee that your Prince Charming won't die or just plain get tired of you and you'll be stuck raising your little love children. No, thanks.

I wasn't born with the desire to have kids. As simple as that. I had an excellant childhood with wondeful friends.

---

lab mom

bell_flower Wrote:
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> As far as a single event making me childfree, the
> death of my father reinforced my decision. By all
> accounts, my parents had a good marriage, but even
> when the woman gets The Fairy Tale that so many
> women want today, staying home and raising the
> children of a high income producer, it's still a
> tedious, soul-sucking job. Also, there is no
> guarantee that your Prince Charming won't die or
> just plain get tired of you and you'll be stuck
> raising your little love children. No, thanks.

That is so true! Even in the best of marriages and the husband is a great earner, the woman often knows that she is the one who has to toe the line...or else, she is out on her ass and stuck with the kids while the man moves on. Often, the high-income producer has a Sweet Pea on the side as most of those guys are smug assholes. The upper-class housewives look the other way and pretend not to know because they know life will be awfully horrible out there as a single moo. As a kid, I saw how the divorced dads had the better deal -- the fancy car, nice apartments, and flashy girlfriends, while my friends' mothers (single moms) were living in crappy apartment complexes and had to give Kool-Aid as a beverage because the women could not afford fruit juice. Prince Charming usually does get tired of the moo-wife since he can afford to tell her to "piss off".

"FUCK WORK"

When I was 14-17,I had a next door neighbor who had two of the rudest,most disrepectful sprogs ever.She was a nasty breeder,who thought that teaching and disciplining her sprogs was a foreign concept.The older kid aspired to being a felon,and hardly knew how to read.My family didn't want to be mean,and was friendly to them.They didn't like me because I was the only one who didn't put up with their bullshit.Being around those nasty,disrespectful,uneducated felons helped me decide to be childfree.
My mother is manic-depressive,and she was at times abusive when me and my siblings were children,because she was probably frustrated.Needless to say,as a child,I could not wait to grow up and become independent and self-sufficient.If I were to follow most of my peers and become a breeder,that would have hindered my plans to become independent and self-sufficient.

My moo was a single moo back in the early 60s before abortion or even single moo-hood being acceptable. I remember her telling me stories about having to wear a wedding ring at work and lie. My mother TRULY had no business having kids WHATSOEVER. I should have been aborted, and in a better more compassionate world, she would have had the abortion option, legally, when she was preggo with me and later with my half sibling.

I never liked kids when I was a kid. I was an evil chyuldhater when I was a child myself!!! Children were always too loud and boring for me. This worked out great for my single moo, who didn't have to make much effort, nor liked making much effort, getting me socialized around other kids.

My single moo was a terrible moo. Although I chalk it up to her being all of 19 when she got preggo with me, and the severe penalties society served on single moos back then. It was such a shameful thing,,, so shameful in fact that society also took it out on the child. I clearly remember in school having teachers pick on me because I did not know the name of my sperm donor. It was shameful and like I said not only did the single moo get shamed (well, mine, not so much because she would go around with a fake wedding ring and lie) but I got it in fucking spades at school for not having a duhddy (I was too young to figure out how to lie when put on the spot about it). Nowadays of course, it's the extreme opposite of how it was when I was a kid. You practically get crowned Queen if you are an irresponsible single moo in 2007.

Anta Wrote:
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> My mother is manic-depressive,and she was at
> times abusive when me and my siblings were
> children,because she was probably
> frustrated.

Anta, my parents both had severe anxiety, alcoholism, and depression. My husband's mom had some strange hording disorder, and his dad abused him mentally & physically.

He & I thought long & hard about the problems a kid of ours could have. My husband worried what effect his dad's abuse would have on him as a father & it scared the hell out of him. That's what finally cemented our decision not to reproduce.

my mum has genetic asthma, i will get it probably, theres cancers and brain tumors on both sides of my family, we hve severe alcoholism in th family, and lots of other addictions. i watch myself all the time.

i never go out drinking alone, i have a routine when it comes to drinking, never b4 9.01 pm, unless its xmas or i am out with a friend at lunchtime.


these are some of the other reasons why kids are not in my future. rowans got a similar sort of history. so. even worse

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I just post the stories, for interest.. for everyone

Lord, what fools these mortals be!
- A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act III, Scene ii

Voltaire said: "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities."

H.L.Mencken wrote:"The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.”

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. Albert Einstein

This thread has been interesting to read.

I have various reasons which led me to the decision to never have children. Firstly, I had a very mixed up childhood. My dad had an affair when I was young and I was half brought up by my mum and half brought up by my dad and the woman he had an affair with, she is extremely controlling and would constantly tell me how my mum was bad for being a single mum and basically tell me very messed up things about my mums side of the family -things kids really shouldn't know at that age. Now my mum is a good person, she isn't a typical moo, she's worked very hard throughout her life despite having a terrible time from my dad and that woman. Ironically, now this woman is also a single mum to my step sister and apparently not a very good one at that, she's dumped my stepsister on my dad as she keeps having pyscho episodes.

So, as far as I can see, my dad has left my mum and his other partner very shortly after having kids, even though previously they had been together for many many years. Having kids just seems to bring nothing but negativity, as far as i've seen. I would never want to put my kids through what I went through.

On top of that there is a serious history of mental health problems in my family, every person in my dads family have suffered from serious mental health issues, most having been admitted to hospital at some point in their life. My brother has aspergers syndrome and lives as a recluse, as does one of my uncles. Why would I have a child if there was a chance they would inherit my dodgy genes?

Also, at school I never felt like the other children, I was always a bit of an anxious loner really, this just got worse as I grew older, I never enjoyed school and left as soon as I could. I find children annoying and people in general fairly ignorant and selfish. I've been a vegan before and am currently vegetarian and it never ceases to amaze me how people are terrified of the positive choices i've made. People just don't want to know if I discuss where their lovely roast cows ass has come from. eurgh. Animals are so much better than children. I will always have animals in my house but never a child.

Wow, even more reasons...My cousin got pregnant at a very young age and this very much disgusted me. My ex best friend also became pregnant very stupidly, she never used contraception and only wanted a baby so she could get free housing and benefits, this disgusted me even further and I have since tried to avoid speaking to her. I hope she realises what a bad decision she has made and that her so called "easy" option is in fact the worst decision she could have made.