The Childfree Cultural Archive!

Image doesn't seem to want to embed, so just posting the link. Victorian postcard featuring a woman with an umbrella beating away a stork.

Something to remember for next year: August 1 is Non-Parents Day!

See this article by Laura Carroll for information on the event, which was celebrated in 1973 by the National Organization for Non-Parents (NON).

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NON-NAOP started in the 70s, and existed from 1972 to 1982. A non-profit organization, its purpose was to “educate the public on non-parenthood as a valid lifestyle option, support those who choose not to have children, promote awareness of the overpopulation problem." It "advocated having no children (or no more than one child) and not having children at all before the age of twenty-one.”

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Snark Shark
Every day is non parents day! when you come home to a QUIET house that's not COVERED IN SHIT and are reminded that you're NOT stuck with brats! :biggrin2

I'm showing my age, but when I was a kid, the house was NOT covered in shit, we had to keep our stuff in our rooms, and we had to have good table manners and NEVER yell in the house.

What the hell has changed??

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yurble
Something to remember for next year: August 1 is Non-Parents Day!

Hey, that's the day I got fixed!

I was doin' it right and I didn't even know it. That's how good I am. wink

Mysana's straight dope (DOHp) thread

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“There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.”

Love it, but the ending lets it down a bit.

From the archives of ASCF:


terrible tommy's Childfree Almanac
external usenet poster

Posts: n/a
Default
A closed fly gathers no crotch fruit.

Those who try to make thier living on their back often end up on the street.

Drive without the air bag end up in the emergency ward, boink without the
latex bag end up in the maternity ward.




terrible tommy's Almanac
Proud sponsor of Dr Quincy Kevorkian and the Institute for Science.

More from Dr Quincy


Forensic Analysis for the witch in Hansel and Gretel


This CE is provided by The Northeast Institute for Science makers of Gingko Viagra , So you can remember what the *(&% your doing,


Today's forensic analysis is about one of the most misunderstood person in history, the witch in Hansel and Gretel.

It is our contention that she was not in fact evil but instead ill.


In initial assessment, the witch appears to have obesity issues as well dermatology difficulties.

A social services and nutrition analysis of the literature demonstrates an unusual housing arrangement along with numerous dietary deficiencies. The home often described is one made of poor environmental protection and poor insulation. As described it most like had inadequate ventilation and used wood burning for most cooking and heating. Most materials would expand significantly in a damp forest environment leading to high levels of Carbon Monoxide inside the house. The chronic high levels of carboxyhemoglobin in the bloodstream could contribute to an Altered Mental Status and bizarre behavior. It also could contribute to an underlying Cerebral Encephalopathy.

Another strong influence on the witch's behavior was her poor dietary choices. A high fat high cholesterol, high sugar diet is a known precursor to adult onset diabetes. Undiagnosed and untreated diabetes can lead to confusion, hallucinations and violence. Lack of protein in the diet will contribute to encephalopathy and confusion. Forensic conjecture would show an elevated carboxyhemoglobin level, and blood glucose level well over 600 dl/ml as well as low protein levels.

Visual disturbance secondary to encephalopathy as well as a strong need for protein could have easily led the poor unfortunate witch to mistake the young vandals for a meat source.
In our assessment, the vigilante justice dealt out to this misunderstood woman was a great wrong. Obviously the woman was ill.


Our impression:
Altered Mental Status secondary to:
1) Elevated Carboxyhemoglobin smoke inhalation,
2) Cerebral Encephalopathy secondary to Diabetic Ketoacidosis
3) Combative behavior re: above.

Thank you for attending this CE
Dr Quincy Kevorkian M.E.

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“There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.”

From ASCF regarding http://www.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/05/18/postpartum.dads

Post partum dads get depression too

From the files of Quincy Kevorkian M.E.
and the Northeast Institute of Science makers of Ginko Viagra - so you can
remember what the fuck you're doing.


It's because they begin to develop severe cases of SRH

SRH or Semen Retention Headache is directly caused by a post pregnancy
disease
Nookieus Terminus also known as "I got my baby you can go to hell."
Symptoms of SRH include scrotal edema and cyanotic scrotum.
Also noted is an increase in one arm and hand size in comparison to the
other.
Excess time in the shower along with strange sounds are noted.
Other indirect symptoms include strange credit card charges to Internet
sites
such as "Hot Chat," "Teen Baby sitters" and "Ashleigh Madison."
Also other strange charges such "Cheerleaders Gentleman's Club"
and Lotus Flower Asian Massage have been noted in Urban areas.


There are cases noted of temporary remission but then a
severe increase in symptoms in the event of a second pregnancy.
There is no known cure and even careful applications
of Internet porn can only mitigate the symptoms.

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“There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.”

Doug Stanhope is almost always guaranteed to let children have it whenever he starts talking about them. When he does he doesn't pull punches... at all. He also makes great points when doing so as well.

Here's some of my favorite moments when he's tackled the subject of children and the people who pop them out.

By the way, if no one has listened or watched Doug Stanhope, please consider doing so immediately. He is absolutely brilliant.

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eniena
Doug Stanhope is almost always guaranteed to let children have it whenever he starts talking about them. When he does he doesn't pull punches... at all. He also makes great points when doing so as well.

Here's some of my favorite moments when he's tackled the subject of children and the people who pop them out.

By the way, if no one has listened or watched Doug Stanhope, please consider doing so immediately. He is absolutely brilliant.

These are amazing! larioushankyou

He's fucking BRILLIANT!

It's easy to spot the breeders in his audiences, they are the ones who aren't laughing!

~~~~~~~~~~~
I miss my little feather baby.

And here's Bill Hicks on the topic of children.

A video in which Opie and Anthony mock a pro-life propaganda piece, the so called "Diary of an unborn child".

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eniena

Wow, I knew Alex Jones was a dumbfuck, but I didn't know he was a full on breeder dying to fucking spread his seed everywhere, even in space. larious

TheAmazingAtheist saying like it is.

http://www.weightlessdog.com/rants.nsf


BRATS archive!

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“There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.”

If your thinking about getting involved with a single parent:

http://www.steptalk.org/

_______________________________________________
“There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.”

From the archives of alt.support.childfree - bring you childfree goodness since 1996:

Breeder's guide to Facny Dining:

The Restaurant Guide for Fancy Places
The following definitions of fancy restaurants were generated by posters to the Usenet newsgroup alt.support.childfree during January 1999, and occasionally thereafter.

It all started with the following statement, declared in all seriousness:

At a fancy place, I only get up during the meal if there's a salad bar or if I really need to use the restroom and missed doing that on the way in.

Note: Most fine restaurants (as opposed to Fancy Places) bring you the salad.


Brought To You By http://www.eilertech.com/hhgg/fancy.htm

Fancy or not fancy, you can find whatever kind of Minneapolis Restaurants that you want online with DexKnows.
Fudgie Bar! What to Expect from a Fancy Place

At a fancy place...

There's a sneeze-guard on the salad bar. And real imitation bacon bits.
They have a Build-Your-Own sundae bar as well.
All-you-can-eat includes the food you stuff into your pockets or purse.
The cute little candles on the tables come in handy for lighting cigarettes.
They offer not to seat you next to the jukebox.
The trays are made of real plastic.
They say, 'Uh huh' when I say 'thank you'.
The crayons are served to the right of my placemat.
They offer a choice of the red or white wine they have on tap.
They leave the wine bottle's screw cap next to my glass, for me to sniff.
The wine doesn't come in a box with a spigot, but in a real glass bottle - with a fancy finger handle on the side.
The waiter always reminds me that the "white zinfandel" won't be. Just to avoid those nasty surprises.
The plastic cups don't have nasty sharp edges like real glass.
The fries are compluhmentary.
The Chihuahuas can talk!
They serve drinks in a glass the size of a fishbowl, named after the restaurant's mascot. (Oh yeah, and I keep the glass too!)
They spell "Crazy" in the title with a C, not a K.
The high-chairs are made of genuine (pronounced "gen -you -WHINE") wood.
When I drop my fork on the floor, the waiter wipes it off thorougly before he hands it back to me.
The waitress wipes off the menu / placemat in between seatings.
They don't just show sports on the TV sets in the bar, they have TV in the dining room too.

Out on the Town How to Act at a Fancy Place

At a fancy place, I...

Fold my breadstick wrappers neatly.
Wait until everyone has finished eating before I do the puzzles on my placemat.
Pick my nose with my pinky.
Pick my teeth with the salad fork instead of my fingernails.
Put the plastic lid from my dessert tray in the bin.
Take care in opening my sachet of tomato sauce.
Avoid using my plastic coffee-stirrer to pick my teeth.
Wipe my shitty shoes with my freebie paper hat before resting them on the table.
Place my used paper napkin and plastic cutlery carefully in the bin when I've used them.
Say 'Beg pardon' before publicly farting.
Never fail to wipe my greasy lip-marks from the communal feeding trough!
Wait quietly on the benches in the lobby until my name is called.
Never buy more than one piece of gum from the Kiwanis machine in the lobby.
Never swivel my barstool around and around.
Take only one fork, spoon and knife from the baskets.
Never make those disgusting sounds with my drinking straw.
Wait until the meal is over before taking a mint from the basket next to the cash register.
Always put my paper dishes, napkin and plastic utensils on the tray so that the waitperson can clear the table neatly after I've left!
Keep my shoes on.
Order the best wine in the house - Boone's - since if I'm going to be having a special night out, I want it to be really special.
Sometimes ask the waitress for her paper hat, as a souvenir for the kids.
Put the paper napkin ring (which always coordinates quite nicely with the paper napkin and paper placemat) and the straw wrapper discreetly in the ash tray and don't wad it up and play hockey with it.
Refrain from using the pointy end of the paper umbrella for tooth-pickin'. That's what the little plastic swords are for.
Tuck the marachino cherry's stem neatly under my crumpled napkin, instead of spitting it into the ashtray.

Sign of Quality The Difference Between Fancy And Really Fancy Places

At a fancy place...

They provide ice cubes to stir into my wine. At a really fancy place, the glass doesn't clink and disturb the other patrons when I do this, because it is made of impact-resistant plastic. At a really really fancy place, when the indoor bar which serves in glass is closed, the waitress goes to the outdoor bar to bring me a plastic cup for my beverage.
I usually get the 'all you can eat' special. At a really fancy place, they say "All you care to eat" instead of "All you can eat."
I put ketchup on the side of my fries, instead of over them. (And I dip them with my pinky out.) At a really fancy place, they already have the ketchup on the table - it saves me the effort of standing up and yelling "Hey, where's the ketchup?" at the waiter.
I never ask for ketchup on my Salisbury Steak. At a really fancy place, I wipe the dribbles from the tomato-ketchup bottle when I've finished with it.
I get the Kiddy Kombo in a doggy bag for Rex, who's tied out front. At a really fancy place, I always call it a "take out portion", not a "doggy bag".
I save my fork 'cause there's pie. At a really fancy place, I never have the waitperson run through the entire list of pies again as a joke.
I applaud quietly and discreetly when the staff sings Happy Birthday to someone at the top of their lungs. At a really fancy place, I compliment the waiter on having a lovely singing voice during his verse of 'Hippity Hoppity Hey! It's Somebody's Birthday Today!'
The server writes his or her name on the bill so I know it. At a really fancy place, I always remember the waitperson's name, because I was told it as soon as I sat down. In a really really fancy place, I don't have to remember it, I just read it off the nametag.
I always return the restroom key to the counterperson. At a really fancy place, the key to the bathroom ain't chained to the end of a two-by-four! Whoo-ee!
They provide a plastic bib, complete with a picture of what you're eating. At a really fancy place, the waiter ties the bib on for you.
The local residents fish in the river next to the restaurant, and yell "Yahoo!" when they catch a big one. At a really fancy place, they'll rent you a fishing pole so you can join them. At a really really fancy place, they'll cook what you catch.

Fancy Bar Fancy Bars vs. Fancy Restaurants

It's a fancy bar, not a fancy restaurant, if...

"Wheel of Fortune" is on the TV set over the bar.
The burly gentleman who provides rapid exits to unruly, inebriated patrons is named "Bruneaux."
The bathroom doors lock.
They serve both bottom and top shelf booze.
The bowling game is tucked discretely by the back exit.
The bartender asks you if you want ice in your wine.
The bartender thoughtfully provides napkins with jokes printed on them, freeing the patrons from the need to strain their brains thinking of anything original.
The Keno supplies are conveniently located on every table and all along the bar, and the winning numbers are displayed on several monitors at once so players don't have to crane their necks to see them.
The men's room smells of mothballs instead of urine.
The patrons rest their drinks on cardboard coasters instead of napkins.
The bartender gives the lady visitors house money to put in the jukebox.
The waitress gives you a choice of Bud or whiskey. If it's Canada, she offers Export or whiskey.
The ashtrays are metal instead of disposable tin foil.
All the chairs match.
The candles have plastic netting on them.
The clocks are conveniently set fifteen minutes ahead so you have that extra time to finish your beer at closing time. They say clocks like that are set on "bar time".
They have bowls for the peanut shells, and do not appreciate them on the floor. Unless you're in Texas, in which case they have a cleaning boy on retainer to sweep the floors every half hour.
Most of the wall decorations are provided courtesy of Miller Lite and Budweiser. The non-Fancy Bars have wall decorations by Schlitz and Old Milwaukee. The really fancy ones have Sam Adams and Pete's Wicked. And we drink them with our pinkies extended.
They fish the pickled eggs out of the jar for you. It's a really fancy bar if they have both pickled eggs and pickled sausages.
The police don't come in and arrest unsuspecting and totally innocent folks on suspicion of soliciting prostitution just 'cause the police are pinheaded morons who couldn't be rent-a-cops in a real city and they are corrupt as hell and get off on pushing people around and have some sort of hard-on against the bar owner and the whole thing doesn't get dropped until some expensive lawyers get involved and the case gets some nasty publicity for the cops and a few people make noises about getting "60 Minutes" and "Dateline NBC" involved and - ::::mmmph:::: Or so I hear fancy bars are like.

Boy, This is Fancy True Tales of Fancy Places

At a fancy place I was at...

The men's room was labeled "Pissoir".
They reminded their patrons of the Value Meal menu.
The waitress sat down in my booth and said hello.
They had a beer special where you get to keep the glass. I drank eight pints, so I got to keep eight glasses.
When the waitress had a story about a trucker who asked her what PMS is, she shared it with everyone.
It was an outdoor cafe, and they gave me a paper napkin. When the wind blew it away, I had to go catch it.
When I ordered the jumbo hot dog, one of the other patrons told me he'd seen horses with smaller penises than that.
I ordered chili and the waitress told me all about how badly beans interact with her husband's digestive system.
The waitress told the people at the next table about her twelve tattoos.
There was a delicious looking sundae in the display case, but it wasn't melting. The waitress said she made it out of Crisco in her spare time.
The place was called, and this should have been a hint, "Dirtwater Springs." Great little joint, heavy on the Apache Junction/Superstition Mountain "atmosphere": farm implements on the porch, barstools made out of tractor seats, plows and scrubbing boards and cream separators and barbwire and dead animal heads all over the walls. One of those places where they cook your steak on a grill that looks like a reincarnated cattle guard, and make a big deal about how if a patron comes in wearing a necktie, they'll cut it off and nail it to the wall. At least we got out before the LIVE COUNTRY MUSIC EVERY NIGHT! started.

News Flash Fancy Places in the News

At a fancy place I read about...

They make you sing for your dessert.

From
http://www.post-gazette.com/regionstate/20000320railcar2.asp:

A unique feature of his restaurant, Hughes said, will be that any
child who eats there can win free dessert for his family simply
by standing on the bar and singing a song into a hand-held
microphone.

They use a "z" in the name wherever an "s" belongs. At a really fancy place, they use "too" instead of "two". And pregnant women say "Pardon me" when their water breaks there.

From http://members.aol.com/faerymama/baby.html (page long since deleted):

My delivery was awesome! My
mom's water broke around 3:00
pm on May 23 while eating
lunch at a restaurant called
Tomatoz with my Great Aunt
Barbara and my Grandma!

They have lockers outside the door to stow your babies in. At a really fancy place, the concierge stows your babies for you. At a really, really fancy place, they will throw in a baked potato, broil your baby to your liking, and recommend a wine to go with each course.

========================================
Parents Stow Baby In Locker, Go To Dinner

Updated 8:48 AM ET May 3, 1999
TOKYO (Reuters) - A Japanese couple left their five-month-old
baby girl in a coin locker Saturday while they went to eat a
late night snack of Chinese food, police said.

They accept your children as collateral.

========================================
Saturday, December 30, 2000
Son Left Behind; Father Arrested

By Jeff Jones
Albuquerque Journal Staff Writer

Police say James Sammon took his two young boys to an Albuquerque
restaurant Thursday night, didn't have the money to pay the tab
and left his younger son behind after telling a restaurant worker
he was heading home to get some cash.

But Sammon allegedly never came back to get his 6-year-old.

Drink Up The Fine Beverages at a Fancy Place

Wine list at Chez Fancy Place:

White
Red
Rose

At Chez Really Fancy, the list might read:

Franzia hearty burgundy
Carlo Rossi Mountain chablis, North American Continent
E&J Gallo Sparkling Wine, San Joaquin Valley, California

All wines $5/glass, $10/box, $15/big jug with thumbhole. Please order by number to avoid confusing the server.

Don't forget, "rose" is a single syllable, unless you want to be thought of as "high-falutin'". That's why the word has no accent. No decent American fancy place needs no damn Frenchy words. We drink good ole American wine, cuz since we invented it, we know how better.

And don't bring me none-a that fake zinfandel! I want the real one that's pink!

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“There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.”

Yes! I recall the 'fancy restaurant' thread.

Leash laws for linoleum lizards!

The classic revenge fart story

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“There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.”

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thom_c
The classic revenge fart story

Painfully funny!larious

It takes a child to raze a village.

Any mention of Educating Rita yet?

Full movie on YouTube

It's based on Pygmalion, and the protagonist's husband wants her to have a baby while she wants to get an education and do something more than be a stay-at-home moo. In the film version, if I remember correctly, there's a scene where the protagonist takes her contraceptive pill and is then hides her stash under a floorboard before her husband comes in. Spoiler: He later finds the stash and burns all of her books as a punishment for deceiving him. It's pretty pro-CF and anti-MRA, come to think of it!

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“There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.”

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“There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.”

https://internationalchildfreeday.com/

http://thebabymatrix.com/

https://www.lauracarroll.com/

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“There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.”