The Childfree Cultural Archive!
Posted by thom_c
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Re: The Childree Cultural Archive! March 27, 2012 |
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thom_c
Childfree classics that should be known by every one literate to the Childfree Culture.
Some classic quips by the regulars of ASCF:
An exchange between Gutterboy and Noelle on the differences between a cow's udder and the delectable, unmolested-by-sprog breasts of a CF woman:
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Wrote Noelle:
>> I prefer to think of it as "blue-blooded alabaster bosom", thank you very much.
>
>Yes, that does sound so much better.
>
>Gutterboy, I believe you owe the blue-blooded and alabaster-bosomed among the CF women an apology...
Oh, Lord. A tempest in a C-cup.
Let me clarify.
I was not referring to a beautiful, aristocratic snowy-white bosom, peeking coyly from the top of an elegant lacework bodice in a wink of decolletage.
I WAS referring to a set of dugs sagging out of a T-shirt like mismatched sacks of potatoes, their surfaces covered with prolapsed varicose veins like subcutaneous worms, with a sticky-faced, vacant brat performing aureolaic fellatio on the attached lumpy nipple.
Are we friends again?
Gutterboy
(Gutterboy was celebrated for his eloquence
)Kim's encopresis post got me to looking for this Gutterboy Classic - an article to which he responds with comments in [ ]
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From the Wall Street Journal, excerpted and annotated -- another exciting dispatch from the world of the frenzied work-life dance:
For millions of toddlers, August is crunch time.
Preschool starts in September, and because of strict no-diaper rules at many schools, toilet training must end.
In Overland Park, Kan., Kerri Heller has until Sept. 2 to toilet-train her 3-year-old son, Jack. Ms. Heller started training in earnest earlier this month, and says she has barely left the house since.
On a Monday, she bought an egg timer and set it to ring every 30 minutes to remind Jack to use the toilet.
[Pavlov Shits!]
Tuesday, her husband got a neighbor to call and impersonate Mike Sweeney, first baseman for the Kansas City Royals, and encourage Jack to keep potty training and be a "good little slugger." Wednesday, Jamie Walker, relief pitcher for the Detroit Tigers (aka Lance Harshbarger, her husband's office colleague), gave similar encouragement. Sammy Sosa (Ms. Heller's father) called Thursday.
[That was the part where I started laughing uncontrollably...]
Jack, a big baseball fan, has bobble-head dolls of two of the players sitting on the sink in the bathroom facing the toilet, as if observing his progress.
[A child that can't drop a deuce without being observed by a representative of
Major League Baseball is being set up for failure.]
"You lose all your inhibitions with this process," says Ms. Heller, who rewards Jack for good performance with M&M's and an occasional trip to Chuck E. Cheese's.
[Does the mouse get to watch, too? Chuck E's In Love!]
Preschool enrollment is rising as more mothers head to work, and finding the right school is an ever more competitive enterprise. Ms. Heller lined up a year-and-a-half ago at 6 a.m. to get Jack into a "pre-preschool" program to help him get into the preschool he's about to attend.
[But of course. Nothing's too good for a sprog who gets phone calls from Sammy Fucking Sosa every time he masters the art of sending the Browns to the Super Bowl.]
Babies used to graduate from diapers at a younger age in the U.S., and still do in some parts of Europe and Asia. People there tend not to make such a big deal of the process, says Kimberly-Clark's Mr. Falk. "Some European cultures don't have a word for toilet training," he says. In rural China, most babies wear underpants with a split in them and quickly learn how to use the toilet.
[Without supportive calls from Chow yun-Fat, no doubt.]
Catherine Haskins understands motivation. Ms. Haskins, who works for a marketing and public-relations firm in Kansas City, Kan., has pompoms in her bathroom to cheer on her daughter, Emma, who will be 3 in December.
["PISS TO THE LEFT!
CRAP TO THE RIGHT!
PINCH THAT LOAF!
TIGHT! TIGHT! TIGHT!
GOOOO EMMA!!!!"]
Gutterboy
wondering how he ever managed the art of continence without the aid of Don
Drysdale or Joe Namath
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Re: Nice CF rant from 2007 September 13, 2012 |
I liked that one and found this one pretty good too, from that same site:
http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/entitlement.shtml
"Entitlement-Minded Mommies (and their partners)
This started out as a Pukefest submission, but I quickly realized that I have so many examples of maddening mommy-entitlement behavior that I want to share, it might work better as an official Rant.
I am sick and tired of, and sickened and tired by, the Entitlement Disease that seems to afflict mothers--single mothers and mothers with partners and those partners themselves-- the second they give birth to their first precious Jack or Aiden or Bailey or Ethan. These men and women seem convinced that by succeeding in fulfilling the natural biological imperative called procreation, which nearly every teen and adult on the planet would fulfill if they weren't careful, they have become special, better, different, and more important than the rest of us to the point that they think that they should receive preference and special treatment in almost every conceivable situation.
Time for some stories...."
Then she goes on to tell some breeder stories of them holding up the lines at airport security, baby stalking at a restaurant, and entitle minded Sancti-Moos expecting she and a friend to give up a table in a restaurant for their "Moo meeting".
ETA: I just saw where you posted that one too.
It is about as good a rant as some of ours.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------
If YOU are the "exception" to what I am saying, then why does my commentary bother you so much?
I don't hate your kids, I HATE YOU!
http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/entitlement.shtml
"Entitlement-Minded Mommies (and their partners)
This started out as a Pukefest submission, but I quickly realized that I have so many examples of maddening mommy-entitlement behavior that I want to share, it might work better as an official Rant.
I am sick and tired of, and sickened and tired by, the Entitlement Disease that seems to afflict mothers--single mothers and mothers with partners and those partners themselves-- the second they give birth to their first precious Jack or Aiden or Bailey or Ethan. These men and women seem convinced that by succeeding in fulfilling the natural biological imperative called procreation, which nearly every teen and adult on the planet would fulfill if they weren't careful, they have become special, better, different, and more important than the rest of us to the point that they think that they should receive preference and special treatment in almost every conceivable situation.
Time for some stories...."
Then she goes on to tell some breeder stories of them holding up the lines at airport security, baby stalking at a restaurant, and entitle minded Sancti-Moos expecting she and a friend to give up a table in a restaurant for their "Moo meeting".
ETA: I just saw where you posted that one too.
It is about as good a rant as some of ours.------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------
If YOU are the "exception" to what I am saying, then why does my commentary bother you so much?
I don't hate your kids, I HATE YOU!
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Re: The Childfree Cultural Archive! September 28, 2012 |
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