Tales from the Commode: February 2015

What are our favorite heifers up to this month?

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Because their current kids aren't good enough


:fmbl Moo wants a third brat and Duh says NO. Reasons he gives for his decision are possibly not being able to afford it, and the world is overpopulated. But Moo wants a big faaaaamblee, so fuck the earth! The only comment so far contains this little nugget of wisdom: "...I like to think my boys will be part of a movement to save our planet and find alternate resources other than coal. Family planning is not easy. It seems no matter how many children people have they seem to make it work financially as well." In other words, it's okay to breed when our resources are running out because my kids will save the planet when they discover a new fuel source! Geez, it's a shame there's no way you could have a kid without going through pregnancy and making a whole new life. It's too bad there are no existing children who have no homes or families that you could pay to bring home (or be paid to bring home). Oh, wait...
http://www.mothering.com/forum/180-family-planning/1480890-wanting-another-child-but-husband-says-no.html


d Salad-shooter Moo has three brats all about a year and a half apart and she's boo-hooing about her trouble conceiving a fourth. Why so adamant about having all these kids in semi-rapid succession? Her and Duh have a suicide pact or something? She doesn't specify a gender, but I have a feeling those first three are the "wrong" gender - probably all girls, and they want a goldenpenis heir, which is probably why Duh is on board for this plan.
http://www.mothering.com/forum/178-trying-conceive/1479186-having-trouble-conceiving-4th.html


:Violin Moo "mourns her C-section." Need I say more? This one's a real gem. Loaves came out feet first, Moo has scoliosis, and she lied to doctors about how many previous C-sections she had just so she could have a vaginal birth. During her seventh pregnancy, her 18-week fetus was diagnosed with a fatal condition and Moo chose to carry to term with no regrets. Loaf lived for an hour after it came out. Moo is butthurt that she wants at least one more loaf, but won't be able to give birth vaginally.
http://www.mothering.com/forum/502-healing-birth-trauma/1475522-mourning-after-c-section.html


4-year-old he-brat doesn't want another sibling. I'm assuming he's currently the "baby" out of the family (five kids) and he still fucking nurses. Moo is knocked up and he repeatedly tells Moo he doesn't want a baby in the house. Brat is also extremely possessive of Moo and doesn't let anyone touch her, not even her husband. If she has an appointment, Brat says he's accompanying Moo to it to punch the doctor (or whoever) so they won't touch Mommy. Ten bucks says he throws the new loaf down the stairs within the first six months of its life.
http://www.mothering.com/forum/31-life-toddler/1478033-4-year-old-doesn-t-want-baby-too-late-what-do.html


:baybie1 A Moo links to a GoFundMe campaign for her loaf born at 23 weeks. Their miracle warrior "Chance" stayed in the hospital clinging to life for 14 months with the help of serious medical intervention. Steroids he was on stunted his growth and he had to be weaned off them. He has a respiratory condition that often occurs in preemies, but there's no telling how long he'll have it. Could be years. He requires 24/7 monitoring, oxygen, therapies and tube feedings. Mind you, this family already had four fuckin' kids. Why did they need #5 so badly? I bet you anything those other kids are forced to help care for their sickly brother. Love this quote from the campaign: "Please continue to pray for Chance and his family that God’s will may be done in their lives." God's will was for the loaf to die if it came out that early. No, this is Mommy's will so Mommy won't have to cry.
http://www.gofundme.com/9q9f78%EF%BB%BF


d Moo with five daughters and one son wants to give her son a brother, so she's asking how to increase her chances of conceiving a boy. God help the loaf if it's conceived and comes out with a vagina. Moo will go on about having another wonderful widdle princess, but deep down, she'll be pissed. I'm sure fostering a little boy never crossed the heifer's mind. NOPE - it's gotta come out her vag or it don't count!
http://www.mothering.com/forum/178-trying-conceive/1474058-trying-conceive-boy.html



Shards of shattered birth fantasies


:eyebrows Topic about Moo grieving the loss of her son. That's not the problem. Look at the sig line: two live kids, seven miscarriages in a row, and a set of twins, one of whom is the dead kid she talks about. In classic breeder gimmie form, she couldn't take the hint her uterus was sending her and be happy with her two living, normal kids.
http://www.mothering.com/forum/64-grief-loss/1470058-loss-my-infant-son-organizing-my-thoughts.html


:Violin Huge Moo with epilepsy and flat nipples has a sad because she didn't get her fantasy unmedicated, delayed, home-laboring birth.
http://www.mothering.com/forum/502-healing-birth-trauma/1462730-angry-about-previous-c-section-hospital-long.html


:smoke Moo smokes weed to deal with her severe anxiety and smokes all throughout her pregnancy because, after researching, she found nothing that suggested marijuana could harm the fetus and might even be beneficial to it. She's worried CPS will "kidnap" the loaf away if it tests positive for any illegal substances. I foresee this woman moo-hooing on FightCPS.com about how the Gestapo Child Protective Services "steals" her baby "for no reason."
http://www.mothering.com/forum/19-i-m-pregnant/733741-marijuana-use-during-pregnancy-cps-involvement.html


r 24-year-old college senior has baby rabies and is hoping to be knocked up and well into pignancy by the time she graduates. Knocked up by her sorta long-distance fiance with whom she has never lived. She also seems to want to get sluicing done with while she's still on her parents' insurance because she figures it'll cover babby medical needs.
http://www.mothering.com/forum/180-family-planning/1466986-college-senior-24-planning.html



PPD (Pre-partum Duh-pression)


:mrd A Happy Accident^TM occurs, and Duh is pissed off. He accuses Moo of trying to trap him (they're married, so he's already "trapped"). Duh was also raped by his own stunning paternal unit for eight years, was tortured and generally abused and neglected during his childhood. I don't know, doesn't sound like good father material to me.
http://www.mothering.com/forum/19-i-m-pregnant/1478841-husband-freak-out-after-finding-out.html


:bayybee How do you tell your man the Blessed News^TM? One Moo had her young daughter hand Duh the positive piss stick. One announced it with a Starbucks cup. One made special coupons that hinted at a pregnancy and Duh was too dumb to understand it until Moo pulled the piss test out of the trash and showed him.
http://www.mothering.com/forum/19-i-m-pregnant/1478889-how-tell-hubs-everyone-good-news.html


:crz Moo's boyfriend of 2.5 years still doesn't like or interact with her kids, but he talks about marriage and spending their lives together, etc. When Moo tells him to interact with the kids, he says she has "unrealistic expectations." They're both fucktards, IMO: Moo for staying with a guy who hates her kids, and him for shacking up with a Moo when he clearly doesn't like kids.
http://www.mothering.com/forum/234-single-parenting/1467321-bf-2-yrs-doesn-t-like-my-kids.html



Vaccination woes


:crz Anti-vax Moo can't handle the stress of everyone telling her she's a negligent cunt for not vaccinating her kids amidst the various outbreaks going on right now.
http://www.mothering.com/forum/443-i-m-not-vaccinating/1482866-i-can-t-take-stress.html


Someone asks "What will you do if your child gets measles?" The mooing is just fabulous.
http://www.mothering.com/forum/47-vaccinations/1483506-what-will-you-do.html



Educating the fyooture


Moo has diagnosed her child with dyslexia and refuses to get him tested for it. She intends to unschool him in a place that frowns upon home-schooling and its kin. I really don't think unschooling is the way to go for a child with a mental disorder. He needs to be taught by people who know how to work with dyslexia, not Moo half-assing lessons at home, not having a clue what she's doing.
http://www.mothering.com/forum/439-unschooling/1478409-unschooling-dyslexic-child.html


:bdid Moo who wants to use tarot cards and newspaper horoscopes in a school setting as a lesson in critical thinking. Wut.
http://www.mothering.com/forum/265-religious-studies/1465169-teaching-critical-thinking-using-horoscope-tarot.html#post18216257


Moo feels that her second grader's homework is just "busy work" and she doesn't believe in homework until the teen years, so she doesn't make the kid do the work. Kid is upset that she gets zeroes on everything and has recess taken away for her failure to do her work. Moo wants to know how to tell the teacher her daughter won't be doing any homework. What a retard. Second grade is not too soon for homework. Welp, hope Moo enjoys her kyd being held back when this whole "fuck homework" campaign results in F's across the board.
http://www.mothering.com/forum/51-learning-school/1480530-opting-out-homework-early-years.html



St. Jellyspine, Our Lady of Non-Discipline


Screaming 4-year-old bitch throws tantrums over fuckin' every little thing, proceeds too hit Moo when Moo tries to do that half-assed, pussified, "We don't hit people, honey" bullshit. I fail to see anything about this brat's behavior that couldn't be solved with a foot in her ass.
http://www.mothering.com/forum/36-gentle-discipline/1480298-defiant-angry-4-year-old.html

You just bukkaked my face with parental bullshit. I loved it. Right when I was getting ready ready to write a blogpost too...

Quote
catharsist
You just bukkaked my face with parental bullshit. I loved it.

hahaha larious I was reading this post earlier and I didn't quite know how to comment, but that's a pretty great way of putting it

CAPTCHA: kpHFT

EXACTLY!!!!!! Thanks for the larfs and subject line commentary. This will be a good thread to curl up with tonite.

Edit to add Shit! The links arent clickable. I hate being on mobile sometimes

It makes me physically ill to think that these women see nothing wrong with squeezing out four, five, or even SEVEN kids and that most of them devote their lives to TTC. Can you imagine how much we could accomplish as a human race if all that wasted time was put to good use?

I read this stuff, and realize that even though I don't have a Ph.D. yet my life is fucking awesome compared to these dumb fucks.

@the noodler, sorry for no hyperlinks. I don't know if doing so will increase the odds of Moo trolls invading the site or not.

And if you want TTC drama, they have several sub-forums dedicated specifically to the subject. They all talk about their schedules that revolve around mucus, charting, temperature, possible ovulation symptoms, when they fuck, when they take tests, and inevitable "mourning" when they get a negative result. It's beyond obsession - it's fucking orthodox religion. I imagine St. Duggar is the patron saint to whom they offer praise, prayers and pads soiled with the remains of unfertilized eggs. I agree with you, Christhead - imagine what these people could achieve if they took all that effort and applied it to something genuinely meaningful.

They have:

Fertility - www.mothering.com/forum/68-fertility/
Infertility - http://www.mothering.com/forum/179-infertility/
Trying to Conceive - http://www.mothering.com/forum/178-trying-conceive/
Family Planning - http://www.mothering.com/forum/180-family-planning/
TTC After Loss - http://www.mothering.com/forum/455-trying-conceive-after-loss/

... all dedicated to trying to do something many teenagers do by accident. In an overpopulated world and in a country with an overflowing foster system, I cannot feel sorry for these women who go through all this just to make a brand new loaf. The best part is, in almost every single case, they already have at least one living child. Usually two, and sometimes more. Why can none of them shut up and be happy with what they already have rather than crying over what they don't? Do they ever wonder what kind of effect this shit has on their kids? I mean, the younger ones won't give a fuck, but what about older ones who can actually have thought processes and understand shit? You know they have to deal with Mommy's wailing every month when she gets her period. I wonder if the men feel the inevitable monthly breakdowns are worth the poon... that they get three days out of the month when Moo is ovulating.

I have no idea what some of their acronyms mean either. "O" is for "ovulation/ovulating" and "CV" is for "cervical mucus." I think "DPO" is "days past ovulation" and is preceeded by a number, and "WTT" is "waiting to try." And "BFP" I had to look up - it means "big fat positive." I don't know Moo lingo and I'm just guessing for some of these.

Some Moos don't waste a moment either. Takethis one, for example:

Quote
Mooooo
We had a little different situation. My younger daughter died of a birth injury at four days old. I was told that there's no right time to wait, so we started TTC as soon as I was recovered from her birth. It took about a month for my stitches to totally heal. Emotionally, it might have been too soon but it felt like the right thing to do at the time. We were still numb enough that the idea of more loss was tolerable. I was afraid of waiting too long and coming to my senses.

I'm pregnant again and due a little less than a month before my daughter's first birthday...

So Moo and Duh got right back to humping the second the C-section stitches healed, which was a whole month after her previous loaf died. So, within less than a full year, she gave birth twice. I really love the whole thing of "Better start fuckin' before I come to my senses!" Here's the topic that excerpt is from if anyone wants to read more:
http://www.mothering.com/forum/455-trying-conceive-after-loss/1390456-when-did-you-decided-start-ttc-again-after-loss.html

And here's a Moo who discusses the death of her five-year-old and the desire to start working on a replacement child in the same topic. I'm not criticizing the loss of her kid, but she can't be too heartbroken if she's making plans to TTC already. I imagine most normal people wouldn't be ready to get back to fucking a few months after their kid dies. I wonder what would happen if Duh couldn't get it up to unload in her cavernous cooter because he was still grieving. Would Moo cheat to get her coveted replacement? She also says it'd be her first ever planned child.
http://www.mothering.com/forum/455-trying-conceive-after-loss/1390246-ttc-after-loss-older-child.html

Captcha: UHPHH (yeah, that's about my reaction to these barren heifers)

They're ready to create the replacement kid before the body of the dead one is even cold; I wonder how these Moos would feel about the idea/fact that their husbands would be fucking and marrying their replacement less than a year after they've kicked it (and close to their birthday or anniversary or something along those lines)?

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"Why children take so long to grow? They eat and drink like pig and give nothing back. Must find way to accelerate process..."
- Dr. Yi Suchong, Bioshock

"Society does not need more children; but it does need more loved children. Quite literally, we cannot afford unloved children - but we pay heavily for them every day. There should not be the slightest communal concern when a woman elects to destroy the life of her thousandth-of-an-ounce embryo. But all society should rise up in alarm when it hears that a baby that is not wanted is about to be born."
- Garrett Hardin

"I feel like there's a message involved here somehow, but then I couldn't stop laughing at all the plotholes, like the part when North Korea has food."
- Youtube commentor referring to a North Korean cartoon.

"Reality is a bitch when it slowly crawls out of your vagina and shits in your lap."
- Reddit comment

"Bitch wants a baby, so we're gonna fuck now. #bareback"
- Cambion

Oh whatever. Abortion doctors are crimestoppers."
- Miss Hannigan