Dear Prudie - Childfree and totally in the wrong October 06, 2015 | Registered: 15 years ago Posts: 6,607 |
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Q. Hubby Doesn’t Know: I’ve been married to a great guy for almost three years now. The only problem is that he really wants kids, and I have no desire to put my body through that. A few months ago he wanted to start trying for kids. I agreed, thinking that I could do it for him, but when I realized I was pregnant, I panicked and got an abortion. My husband is starting to worry that we haven’t had any luck and wants to start doing fertility tests. I’m worried that seeing doctors will cause my secret to come out and my husband will leave me. What do I do?
A: The two people in your marriage need to seriously consider what you’re doing there if you are so utterly at odds about adding another person to your family. You now realize you have no intention of fulfilling your husband’s desire for a child. But instead of telling him, you secretly aborted a fetus you had agreed to conceive. That speaks to a level of deceit that sounds lethal to a marriage. It would be one thing if your letter was about how you tell your husband you have no intention of having children. But you want some way to pretend to engage in fertility treatment without his finding out you two are perfectly capable of having a child. I don’t know if you discussed the having children issue before you got married, but an urgent life goal for him is to become a father. Your urgent life goal is to not become a mother. You need to face this forthrightly, and if it ends your marriage, that will give you each the opportunity to find more compatible partners.
Re: Dear Prudie - Childfree and totally in the wrong October 06, 2015 | Registered: 9 years ago Posts: 256 |
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Re: Dear Prudie - Childfree and totally in the wrong October 06, 2015 | Registered: 15 years ago Posts: 6,607 |
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I’m worried that seeing doctors will cause my secret to come out
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Re: Dear Prudie - Childfree and totally in the wrong October 07, 2015 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 12,440 |
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Re: Dear Prudie - Childfree and totally in the wrong October 07, 2015 | Registered: 9 years ago Posts: 951 |
Re: Dear Prudie - Childfree and totally in the wrong October 07, 2015 | Registered: 15 years ago Posts: 6,607 |
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Techie
Being CF myself, I am siding with the woman. Unless she was 100% certain that she wanted to be a moo, she has my 100% support to flush it before sitting down and thinking about it. One cannot have an unbiased discussion whether they want a kid or not if they have one inside of them. Kudos to her.
Re: Dear Prudie - Childfree and totally in the wrong October 07, 2015 | Registered: 12 years ago Posts: 5,646 |
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Re: Dear Prudie - Childfree and totally in the wrong October 07, 2015 | Registered: 16 years ago Posts: 3,454 |
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randomcfchick
I am usually one to side with the childfree, but this woman hasn't even tried to have a conversation about her feelings. The LW may have genuinely thought she'd be okay with having kids when she met this guy. She is on the fence, and instead of having a difficult conversation with her husband, she's choosing to hide what must be a very difficult situation for her. Why the hell would she marry someone she can't/won't talk to about difficult things? Hell, that's what my spouse is for: to talk with when shit gets difficult...even if the aforementioned shit involves him.
Re: Dear Prudie - Childfree and totally in the wrong October 07, 2015 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 12,440 |
Re: Dear Prudie - Childfree and totally in the wrong October 07, 2015 | Registered: 16 years ago Posts: 3,454 |
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yurble
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Techie
In my opinion this woman owes her man zero.
I think she owes him honesty. That's something that every person owes their spouse or partner, at a minimum.
Re: Dear Prudie - Childfree and totally in the wrong October 07, 2015 | Registered: 9 years ago Posts: 951 |
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Re: Dear Prudie - Childfree and totally in the wrong October 07, 2015 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 1,304 |
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mrs. chinaski
We all project our experience of life into it.
I just feel sympathy for that woman.
I am married, I really do like my DH but I don't want to have chyldren.
Nobody understands it. I get to hear that I cannot love him when
I don't want to give him a chyld.
My in-laws are constantly showing me their disappointment
because "there is no baybeh".
My MIL told neighbours that I didn't want to have chyldren.
Since then, some people are openly hostile towards me.
Others look at me as if I were some kind of a freak.
My DH is sometimes in a very bad mood due to work-related things.
He works long hours, commutes. Sometimes things don't go smoothly etc...
My MIL then tells me: "He is sad because he has no chyld.
If he had chyld, EVERYTHING WOULD BE BETTER."
This woman will have to defend her CF the same way I do.
I feel for her because I exactly know what's in store for her.
Re: Dear Prudie - Childfree and totally in the wrong October 07, 2015 | Registered: 9 years ago Posts: 951 |
Re: Dear Prudie - Childfree and totally in the wrong October 07, 2015 | Registered: 11 years ago Posts: 672 |
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Techie
In my opinion this woman owes her man zero. It is her body and she is allowed to decide what to do with it and when to do it. She may have been a wanna breed all along but having the reality in her face, that made her think. My hat is off to her and I give her a high five for having the guts to do what she did, most women would instead not have the strength or courage to do what she did.
As far as her marriage, when shit hits the fan, one step at a time is sometimes all that can be done. Rid the immenent problem first then move on to the next one. She was knocked up - she had to ditch it because she simply realized it was not for her. I support her decision 100%.
Re: Dear Prudie - Childfree and totally in the wrong October 07, 2015 | Registered: 8 years ago Posts: 499 |
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stillwaters
"You now realize you have no intention of fulfilling your husband’s desire for a child. But instead of telling him, you secretly aborted a fetus you had agreed to conceive. " just pissed me off. This woman's "desire for a child" doesn't trump her autonomy over her own body.
Re: Dear Prudie - Childfree and totally in the wrong October 07, 2015 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 7,844 |
Re: Dear Prudie - Childfree and totally in the wrong October 07, 2015 | Registered: 15 years ago Posts: 6,607 |
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JoJo
I'm with Techie. You can guarandamntee that if she were to have this honest conversation with her husband it would be the start of immense pressure from everyone she knows to have a baby.
Ideally, she has a job and can afford to support herself. But we don't know her circumstances. For all we know, she belongs to a religion that preaches wifely submission and/or lives in a small town where everyone would be in her business and she'd get no support. She may not be educated or even employed. I can't judge her for wanting to keep her husband and not want to have kids.