Childfree Role Models, The Breeder Edition

I've told this story before but maybe the newbies would like to hear it.

Mr. Hannigan had a religious fundamentalist co-worker, a slight dink of a man with a stay-at-home wife and three kids whom he fed and housed on a very modest salary. First the dink lectured my husband about how wrong it was that we weren't married in a church. Later he berated Mr. H for our choice to not have children, saying it was unnatural and not part of God's plan. A few years later this guy tried to commit suicide by running his car in a closed garage with the exhaust pipe in his window, an act likely caused by the stress of being the sole breadwinner of the family. My satisfaction upon hearing this news may not have been Christ-like but it felt justified.

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"[GFG's pregnancy is] kind of like at the stables where that one dumb, ugly-ass mare broke out of her corral one day and got herself screwed by the equally fugly colt that was due to be gelded the same afternoon."- Shiny

My current and former friends are a good example of this.

Former friends are such because they became so wrapped up in moo-hood that either a.) they didn't have time for a friendship anymore and we just drifted apart or b.) They were offended by something I posted to facebook over the fact that I didn't chose the same life they did and see things differently.

Current friends with children: I rarely see them, they have kids of varying ages so I get to see them raising their children and how hard it is to do anything, go anywhere or have any time to themselves. I've also heard the stories of the births, how they had a hard time and what it is like having a newborn in the house. Also about said newborn waking up all night to be fed, engorged boobs that hurt and sore lady parts. Everything I have heard over the years has affirmed my decision to remain childfree. To me, it's not worth all the pain and suffering you put yourself through, especially being a woman, to have a dna replicant. Why bring all of that on yourself when you could be living a less stressful, less painful life?


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They are having children for selfish and narcissistic reasons, or are simply irresponsible. Funny... Those are the terms often used to describe the CF

~Live, Laugh, Love~

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Miss_Hannigan
I've told this story before but maybe the newbies would like to hear it.

Mr. Hannigan had a religious fundamentalist co-worker, a slight dink of a man with a stay-at-home wife and three kids whom he fed and housed on a very modest salary. First the dink lectured my husband about how wrong it was that we weren't married in a church. Later he berated Mr. H for our choice to not have children, saying it was unnatural and not part of God's plan. A few years later this guy tried to commit suicide by running his car in a closed garage with the exhaust pipe in his window, an act likely caused by the stress of being the sole breadwinner of the family. My satisfaction upon hearing this news may not have been Christ-like but it felt justified.

Ironic that a fundie berated your husband then attempted to committed the ultimate fundie sin: suicide.

There have been a few in my life...but a couple stand out.

Two acquaintances of mine in my early twenties come to mind. They were not a horrid dating match, but clearly not a life match, either. Maybe one of those situations where you date that person for a while, learn something about handling a real, grown-up relationship, but break up after a while. But they stayed together because of an accidental pregnancy. Their kid came out weird: Giant head, big ol' birthmark on half the face, and freakishly HUGE baby. I didn't hang out with them much after that because they had no time, and inviting them cramped what we could do and when. Last I saw, their giant baby grew into a freakishly huge toddler who didn't talk much and constantly had a wild, glazed look in its eyes. Something was off about that kid. And last I heard, the couple were pretty blah about each other...not antagonistic, but clearly bored and just being polite/doing the right thing for the kid. I could already tell that they were either going to split up, or end up cheating on each other. I couldn't imagine having my life all boxed up that way at only 22 years old.

My best friend's older sister got knocked up by mistake in her late twenties. She told her boyfriend about it, and he made it abundantly clear that he wanted nothing to do with fatherhood and she would be on her own. So what did she do? Had the baby and kept it, of course! Mental health issues revealed themselves when the baby was still an infant, so Best Friend's parents wound up raising it. Best Friend's sister had zero interest in trying to get back custody of her son. The kid had a lot of issues as he got older, and frankly Best Friend's mom wasn't up to raising another kid, let alone a troubled teen with learning problems. Harsh as it may be to say it, that kid should have been aborted or adopted out. Best Friend was already CF, and watching that drama made her doubly so. Best Friend's little sister and brother still lived at home when the grandson arrived, and it left both of them deeply cautious about kids. Best Friend's younger sister still doesn't have any kids at 35, and brother did wind up having two--but was very, VERY careful to make sure that he and his wife both wanted 'em and had the time and money to support them. Older Sister STILL is unable to function on her own...lives in gov't housing, can't keep a job, and gets annoyed when her son refuses to call her "mom"....so safe to say that she hasn't learned a damn thing. Whole thing stiffened my CF resolve.

I've also watched a friend who was very involved in the arts (acting, directing, vocal music, writing, nude model for life drawing classes) completely squash away that part of herself. Theatre was the first thing to go--no shock there, since it devours any spare time you have. Vocal music went at the same time, as she decided to forego any lessons or ensemble singing. She removed any art in their house that was not child-appropriate, so of course she didn't model anymore. She stopped writing, too, though she did manage to use National Novel Writing Month to scratch that itch a couple of times. She's talked about writing a book or collection of essays a couple of times, and I've offered to help her revise and edit her work...nothing forthcoming. I myself haven't been a globetrotter or anything, but it's clear that we've kind of switched lives in some ways. She chose to give up her favorite creative endeavors for a rather conservative suburban crunchy-yuppie life. I was more restrained and naive in college, but now I'm out having adventures that my friend at college age would have loved. She'd probably love them now, too, if she'd accept that it's okay for people to have adult-level interests after they have kids, and that those adult interests make you a better and happier parent. Oh well. I've invited her for visits and along on some of my outdoor adventures---even offered to plan a boat trip with/for her, around her schedule and of course all I got from her end was a wistful, regretful "no thanks". I can't imagine trading in such a large chunk of what makes me the person I am today.

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randomcfchick
...they stayed together because of an accidental pregnancy...

...My best friend's older sister got knocked up by mistake in her late twenties...

So many unplanned pregnancies, it just goes to show us what a great achievement getting knocked up is...

I think growing up during Britain's Teenage Pregnancy Crisis Of The 1990s is what made it impossible for me to ever see having children as an achievement. It doesn't seem like a great or clever thing to do when you see girls you were at school with pushing prams at 16, or boys you went to school with being known for for fathering several children by several different women by the time they're 20. If it's so easy to do that people do it by accident all the time then it doesn't look like something to celebrate.

In my primary school class was one girl who was incredibly slow- she didn't have a learning disability but she couldn't read without saying every word aloud, had to go to remedial classes, was probably borderline for being sent to the local "special school", etc. She ended up leaving secondary school at 15 and finding (illegal) employment as a cleaner- and having four kids by the age of 20. I remember thinking "If she can do it, anyone can". She got married at 30 and had a fifth "One Of Our Own" baby with her husband- she managed to find someone who was prepared to raise not one, but four teenage kids that weren't his own, in addition to a screaming brat, and I also struggle to see how "catching" a husband and getting married is an achievement.

This woman is just one example- the bully from my primary school managed to have two kids by the time she was 21- everyone in our small village knew her reputation and the reputation of her ghastly violent criminal family, and one man there still decided to impregnate her, twice. The girl in my class who always looked like she needed a good wash has four kids by two different men. At my school were a brother and two sisters who always smelled and were always really skinny and who always wore clothes that were too small for them because their parents were poor and neglected them- both girls had babies at 15 and the boy managed to impregnate someone at around the same age. There are plenty of other people who make me think "How they fuck did they manage to breed?" and then I just remember that breeding is something pretty much any human can do, with not even poverty, alcoholism or crack cocaine addiction proving to be effective barriers.

My mother told me that her one remaining ambition was to see me "married and with children", which made my heart sink. She protested "...but having children is the most wonderful thing a woman can achieve!" and I asked her why, if that was the case, she wasn't so in awe of all the people I'd been at school with who had made this "wonderful achievement", and made it so young too? She had no answer to that.

Achieving something early in life is usually something to be celebrated- getting a PhD at 21, winning an Olympic gold at 16, being the youngest person to climb Everest, becoming a self-made millionaire by 20, etc. The fact that having children young is seen as a failure is just further proof that sprogging is not an achievement at any age.