You Might Be A Breeder If...

Your idea of a nice meal is a juice box and shaped chicken buttholes and lips with ranch dressing.


Your culture lacking conversations consist of topics involving poop, breast feeding, vomit, and snot.


You can't have an adult moment, because your IQ has dropped so sharply, that your vocabulary consists of baby talk and bitching at your husband.



Your husband hates you and wants to have an affair, with anybody that is CF.


Your ass is bigger than your TV.


Your house looks like a place where cheap plastic kinder crap, goes to die.

Your daily vehicle makes a Sherman tank look like a Mini Cooper.

Your husband has to compete with the child for space in the "family bed".

Your husband has to compete with Snotleigh for your breasts, and Snotleigh is eight years old.

Your daily outfit is a chin-length bob, then scrunchied into a ponytail, no make-up w/ a blank look in your eyes, an over-sized sweat shirt, and capri sweat pants, w/ slide on mule gym shoes, while your pushing a huge expensive stroller.


You don't talk to any of your old friends, cuz youre sooo bizzy bizzy bizzy w/ your child's social life, unless maybe, they too drank the kool-aid and sprogged.

You can clean out your ears with your crusty nipples.

If you consider wee ones younger than 12 and ALL unborn babies yet to come FAR MORE IMPORTANT than yourself and anyone even alive at the time.

And if you consider tits to be something specifically designed for shoving into an infant's maw and nothing else.

Also, if you consider titty moo-juice to be some FABULOUS magic potion that MUST be forced down the infant's throat or else it dies.

And yes, you want ALL entertainment to be toned down and gentle enough for your pwecious ones to take in easily. (Even belly laughs will hurt or kill the tiny tots.:/)

You want the entire world to cater to your spawn's every little need.

1)TLC has contacted you about starring in your own show.
2)You currently have any frozen bodily fluids involved in a custody dispute.
3)You have ever used breastmilk in a recipe.
4)Your husband (or you) refer to your breasts as "nursies", "milkies", "num nums" or "binkies".
5)You are on the ToysRus preferred customer mailing list.
6)You have ever fished any bodily waste out of a toilet.
7)You have ever buried or otherwise had a "ceremony" for the product of a menstrual cycle.
8)You have ever named a pregnancy that didn't produce a visibly recognizable baybee, AND/OR you refer to a miscarriage as "Meaghan, Leighlia, or Jerramiah."
9)You let God plan your famblee.
10)You and your girl kyds have homemade matching Easter dresses.
11)You refer to your welfare check as your "paycheck" and think of yourself as a state employee;title: SAHM
12)You consider yourself a chef, accountant, event planner, maid, and doctor, because you cook dinner, balance your checkbook, throw kiddie birthday parties, own a first aid kit and load the dishwasher.
13)You believe that your husband doesn't notice the purple stretch marks or your cavernous cooch, because he loves you and respects you as the mother of his children.
14)You believe your most important accomplishment in life will have been having a baybee.
15)You often say, "My kids are the most important thing in the world to me", as you chug back another beer or take another toke off a bong while they are wailing in the background.
16)You honestly believe that co-workers don't mind picking up your slack because they understand that you are busy doing TMIJITW. You think that they realize that your kyds will pay for their retirement, so they really don't mind doing your job for you while you continue to draw a check.
17)You feel superior to people who have no children, afterall, it's the most selfless thing a person could ever do for the world. It PROVES that you are not a selfish person and that people without children ARE selfish.
18)You have had more than one court order requiring a DNA test proving paternity.
19)You have more than one kyd with a genetic mutation, awtism, adhd, bi-polar, etc..........
20)You have so many kyds that you have enough first batch kyds to take care of the second batch kyds, and so on.
21)Anyone calls you "maw maw or paw paw", and you haven't yet reached your 40th birthday.
22)You have ever used two separate buggies to divide cash items vs food stamp items while shopping.
23)You have ever had a kyd die accidentally via being locked in a hot car or by drowning in a backyard pool.
24)You have ever drank beer or wine from your baybee's bottle.
25)While at The Captain's Table on a cruise ship, you ask the waiter where the placemats and crayons are.
26)There is a breastpump in your dishwasher.
27)You leak.....anywhere
28)Anyone's hand or mouth is on your tit at night, besides your husband's.
29)Your entire wardrobe consists of moo moo dresses and stretch pants.
30)You have to borrow your husband's jock strap when you wear pants.

Kim, your entire list kills me. Hahahahaha!

Damn, no wonder I missed BratFree so much!

KLK, #7 on your list reminds me of a line from the TV sitcom, "All in the Family."

There was a scene where they were discussing menstrual cycles and how they affected women and were often called, "The Curse." Edith said she had a friend with 9 kids who had another name for that: "A Blessing!" LMAO!

Referencing one of my old topics...you might be a breeder (or a nutjob) if you bury your dead fetuses in your parents' gravesites without anyone's permission.

Yeah, I can't top Kim's list.

I was ok until I got to the jock strap....meat curtains....

good morning, everyone. it's 6:47 am here in murder town and I've got my visual for the day...

You and your husband have been in marriage counseling for three years. You went to counseling after 10 months of marriage because you were on the verge of divorce.

One of your hot button areas is that he doesn't support you in taking care of the house and pets. You get knocked up anyway because you want a baybee and you're sure things will work out okay.

True story from an acquaintenance of mine. What a freaking idiot.

ETA: You are definitely a Breeder if you get rid of your pets the minute the stick turns blue and/or the minute the baybee appears because you are "too tiiiired" to take care of a baybee and your pet. Bonus Breeder points if you tell everyone around you that nobody could or should possibly love a pet the same way they love a baybee.