Crazy things your parents told you

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CrabCake

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kidless kim
1)If you shave your legs above the knee, you'll be sorry because the hair will grow back black and thick

OMG, my mom told me that, too! To this day I only shave below the knee, but that's because I don't have much hair to begin with. I don't wear shorts, either, so what's the point?

I never heard that business about "above the knee," per se.

As I understand it, the truth is that since a single hair is naturally tapered when untrimmed, it's less noticeable than a hair that's been squared off by cutting. Multiply the hairs - especially when it's dark hair on white skin - and yes, it might look "thicker" than when it was uncut. Therefore, if you're going to shave at all, it seems the only thing to do is to shave often.

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-Don't use bubble bath because you'll get a crotch infection...


-If you get on a bus (like a Greyhound) to go anywhere, every single criminal, murderer and rapist within a 100 mile radius will be on the same bus and they will single ME out and murder me in order to steal my luggage and sell it for drug money. (Thankfully she has outgrown this and I've traveled by bus several times in the last few years)

I've heard about the bubble bath, and the Greyhound thing. I've ridden on a Greyhound twice for long distances. 23 hours one way, and 74 hours back. There was only one place where "criminals" got on the GH, and it was in Colorado because we were close to some prison. The crazy part? I had maybe $10 to my name, and one of the "criminals" actually went ahead and bought me a nice big bag of fast food to last me for the rest of my trip. So much for being singled out, raped and murdered and having my luggage stolen and sold for drug money haha! z

There was one guy though- I don't know if he was high on weed or what, but he kept harassing me and trying to get me to snort a Zanex, smoke a blunt, and tried to "cuddle up" next to me on top of my bag. Some other guy(he was about a year older than me) came to my "rescue", told the dude he was in his seat, thanked me for saving a spot for him and sat down. The pothead left me alone, and I'm still buddies with the "rescuer". This was 4 years ago. smile

When I was little, I found my mother's tampons. She told me that they were bombs and would explode if I unwrapped them.

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" ... what's one more once you've already got two shedding on the couch?"

Thought of some more.

- Don't draw on yourself with permanent marker because it will never come off. Mom showed me a scar on her hand (don't know what it was really from) and said it was from a Sharpie. Found out soon after this was bullshit when I drew a "tattoo" on myself with a Sharpie and it came off in the shower.

- Drawing on yourself with a pen/marker will cause ink poisoning. First of all, I don't even think ink poisoning exists because ink is generally considered to be safe. Second of all, pens do not cause it. Third of all, I think the only way ink could cause actual symptoms is if you drink it.

- Don't draw on yourself or poke yourself with a pencil because you'll get lead poisoning. Even though pencils contain graphite.

One of my grandmothers firmly believed that you MUST have your hair totally dry before stepping outside. This was always pretty hilarious when it was the middle of summer and we walked across the street from her house to swim in the lake. She also though any and all stomach ailments were caused by failure to poop regularly.

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evilchildlessbitch
She also though any and all stomach ailments were caused by failure to poop regularly.

larious

Yeah, my grandmother dosed us kids with Milk of Magnesia. According to her, it prevented "dry bowels".

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Dorisan

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Zzelda
I actually had to use an old time 'tip' this am. - toilet tank filling - and kept running. Jiggle the handle ~

(yes, it worked. hangs head in shame.)

If you pay for water, you probably want to have that checked out.

When we bought our current house, one of the toilets kept doing that. It also had a constant trickle of water going into the bowl. Thinking "meh, that's just a trickle. I'll put it on the punch list (we were doing a lot of remodel work)" we let it slide. A week or so later ::: open water bill::: "GASP! Shiiiit! $95!" (Our 60 day bill was usually 25-30).

We called the water company, thinking there was a major leak somewhere. This is kind of hilarious ---- they brought out a laptop and showed us a graph of water usage. It's a flat line when no water is running, spiking every time you flush or take a shower, even showing the time. I popped Dh when he remarked, in front of the water guy, "damn, how many times a night do you get up and go pee?" But there was also a line showing a constant use of water, over a couple of weeks. It was that damned toilet.

Dh headed right out to Lowes to get all new parts for the toilet.

Check out electronics you have- anything that plugs in and has a clock or goes into a standby mode is using electricity, even if you don't use it regularly

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kidfreeforme

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-Don't use bubble bath because you'll get a crotch infection...


-If you get on a bus (like a Greyhound) to go anywhere, every single criminal, murderer and rapist within a 100 mile radius will be on the same bus and they will single ME out and murder me in order to steal my luggage and sell it for drug money. (Thankfully she has outgrown this and I've traveled by bus several times in the last few years)

I've heard about the bubble bath, and the Greyhound thing. I've ridden on a Greyhound twice for long distances. 23 hours one way, and 74 hours back. There was only one place where "criminals" got on the GH, and it was in Colorado because we were close to some prison. The crazy part? I had maybe $10 to my name, and one of the "criminals" actually went ahead and bought me a nice big bag of fast food to last me for the rest of my trip. So much for being singled out, raped and murdered and having my luggage stolen and sold for drug money haha! z

There was one guy though- I don't know if he was high on weed or what, but he kept harassing me and trying to get me to snort a Zanex, smoke a blunt, and tried to "cuddle up" next to me on top of my bag. Some other guy(he was about a year older than me) came to my "rescue", told the dude he was in his seat, thanked me for saving a spot for him and sat down. The pothead left me alone, and I'm still buddies with the "rescuer". This was 4 years ago. smile

The Monster Magnet song "See You in Hell" was influenced by a conversation Dave Wyndorf had with "an old hippy" on a bus (not sure if it was Greyhound. Most likely NJ Transit). According to Dave, the guy came on, sat next to him and proceeded to tell him about how him and his girlfriend killed their baby and disposed of it. Dave got off of the bus.

My dad would tell us stories of a monster in this bay where we were camping in Maine. He said during the night, it would eat trailers and campers. Actually, it was just where people would leave early. My dad also would tell us he was once a Fifth Bengal Lancer (he was an Army Engineer on a nuclear missile base when in the military. The Lancers are a British unit).

An old fisherman there would tell us these huge starfish he caught would attack children, if I recall.

My grandmother on my mom's side would insist up and down to never stir sauce with a metal spoon (actually based in when utensils were made of pewter I learned later-acids in the tomatoes could leech out the lead), but since both the pots and spoons I used were with steel it aluminum, it made no sense because you cooked in the pot and that was metal.

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Snark Shark
"An old fisherman there would tell us these huge starfish he caught would attack children, if I recall"

larious

at the rate starfish move, those would have to be some REALLY SLOW CHYLDREN!

I could argue we were slow enough: we believed it and the sea monster tale

Another I remember.... there's a door in the basement in my grandma's house that doesn't lead outside. Grandma always told me never to go in there because there's a bottomless pit in there.

I still have no idea what the hell's in that room, but if I had to guess, I'd say it's a wine cellar. I was never brave enough to look - I didn't believe the bottomless abyss shit, but I was worried about spiders and webs hitting me in the face.

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Cambion
Another I remember.... there's a door in the basement in my grandma's house that doesn't lead outside. Grandma always told me never to go in there because there's a bottomless pit in there.

I still have no idea what the hell's in that room, but if I had to guess, I'd say it's a wine cellar. I was never brave enough to look - I didn't believe the bottomless abyss shit, but I was worried about spiders and webs hitting me in the face.

"Don't go in there! It's grandpa's pot room!"

I forgot about another one my mom used to use. Where in the flying fuck it ever came from I don't know, but she used to tell me that women should never take a bath during their period because they might bleed to death. She still won't take a bath and will only use a shower. :eyebrows

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cfbitchfromla
I forgot about another one my mom used to use. Where in the flying fuck it ever came from I don't know, but she used to tell me that women should never take a bath during their period because they might bleed to death. She still won't take a bath and will only use a shower. :eyebrows

LOL!! My mom told me the opposite, that when you take a bath or shower (or go swimming) during your period, your flow stops while you are in the water. If only!

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Shauna's like a gluten-free Jim Jones for dumb, lifeless middle-aged women. I swear, this bitch could set fire to a orphanage and they would applaud her for bringing them light. ~ Miss Hannigan

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CrabCake

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cfbitchfromla
I forgot about another one my mom used to use. Where in the flying fuck it ever came from I don't know, but she used to tell me that women should never take a bath during their period because they might bleed to death. She still won't take a bath and will only use a shower. :eyebrows

LOL!! My mom told me the opposite, that when you take a bath or shower (or go swimming) during your period, your flow stops while you are in the water. If only!

Doesn't that depend on how cold the water is? That is, if the ocean is really cold, it IS supposed to cut back on the flow. So I heard.

My mother told me that you'd feel like crap if you took a tub bath during your period. I never tried it because I don't like tub baths...I prefer showers.

My Dad told me to never take a shower when it's storming or I would die by electrocution.
Mom said not to read without at least two lights on or my sight would start to fail.

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I miss my little feather baby.

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drake
My Dad told me to never take a shower when it's storming or I would die by electrocution.
Mom said not to read without at least two lights on or my sight would start to fail.

To be honest, if I try to read in dim light, I get a headache.

My wife believes the one about taking a shower in an electrical storm though.

JD

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JohnDrake

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drake
My Dad told me to never take a shower when it's storming or I would die by electrocution.
Mom said not to read without at least two lights on or my sight would start to fail.

To be honest, if I try to read in dim light, I get a headache.

My wife believes the one about taking a shower in an electrical storm though.

JD

The shower part has a factual basis

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Don't take a bath or shower during a storm. Yes, you can get shocked if you are near pipes or faucets during an electrical storm, so experts recommend that you avoid taking baths or showers when lightning is striking nearby.

...but I wonder if that is most applicable to old houses with copper and metal pipes. Aren't modern houses fitted with PVC plumbing and likely to have stainless steel or brass fixtures? I'm not sure about the conductivity of those metals

Got one more, and this one is kind of TMI, so I whited it out for those who don't want to see it.

According to my mother, when I was younger (like 3 or 4 years old), I allegedly suffered a rectal prolapse that resulted in me shitting out part of my liver. I was taken to the hospital where all my innards that were hanging out of me were stuffed back into my ass and secured back in place using tape. I think her telling me this was her way of making sure I didn't strain too much on the toilet. I would love to know how my liver managed to get into my bowels without me dying.

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Cambion
Got one more, and this one is kind of TMI, so I whited it out for those who don't want to see it.

Wuuut?

:::googles human anatomy:::



How would that even happen?

Thom will have to weigh in on this. I've forgotten all the anatomy I ever learned in college, but it looks like the liver is actually bungee-tied in your torso. What your mom said just ain't right. That's nuttier than squirrel poo.

I read Cambion's post and thought to myself "Thom C, please wiegh in here. Is this even possible???"

My family told me that I would have kids..

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So.. We know that food and water are running out, with overpopulation and all... Yet people keep on poppin' out those babies! I guess they want to have their baby and eat it too...

My top reason is that parenting gives you a free license to be selfish based purely on the fact that you're being selfish for an emanation of your own self. The illusion that what you do to benefit your children benefits them solely is a fallacy. Every parent benefits from the benefits that their children receive. Henceforth, it gives one a license to perpetuate a dog-eat-dog mentality that I perceive to be amoral. Parents say that their children are their greatest loves, what they forget to add is that they are their ONLY loves and only because their children are a reflection of themselves. I prefer to be able to love multiple people and have lasting relationships of many types and possess the essential core value of empathy for all than to restrict myself to an echo chamber of ego-masturbation and self-serving chicanery.

In short: Not parenting makes you a better person.

@Cambion:



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michaela

"A child will make two dishes at an entertainment for friends, and when the family dines alone, the fore or hind quarter will make a reasonable dish, and seasoned with a little pepper or salt, will be very good boiled on the fourth day, especially in winter." -Jonathan Swift, A Modest Proposal

Dang, Cambion! I don't have any words to that. Your mother comes up with pretty wild stuff. No way that's possible.

1.) Baby urine will clear eczema up for life. My mother was into the whole pine tar, home remedies thing when I was a kid. She was relentless in trying to find a cure for my eczema. She probably got that suggestion from some charismatic whack-a-doodle who lived in a dump. Needless to say, I didn't do that suggestion.

2.) If I shave my face, I will grow in a beard. I don't have any facial hair, but I do get a single strand of chin air that I pluck with tweezers. I did shave my chin once when I couldn't find a pair of tweezers. I don't look like Al Borland.

4.) Don't sit too long on the toilet or your insides will fall out! I used to take a thick book with me to the bathroom and sit there until I was finished with three chapters. I was told my insides falling out had something to do with gravity. My mother just wanted to have the bathroom to herself so she could have a bubble bath, put on some Luther and light some candles.

5.) Don't drink/eat too much or you'll blow up. I remember there was a Tony Little informerical about an obese woman blowing up in a microwave. That scared the crap out of me. Being teased about my weight at home didn't help either. It was a great big production when it was time for me to eat something. I hated that. I started to become overweight when I was 15, 16.

6.) Don't touch the gas pump or else you'll get the AIDS. Sure, thousands of people have touched that gas pump. Probably rubbed their privates. Wiped their noses with their hand. Coughed. Vomited. Bled. But catching AIDS from a gas pump? Why not the gas station door? Or the shopping cart? Or the bus?

If you lift weights, you will develop testicles. Don't pick your zits or you'll get cancer. Don't eat ice cream standing up (never explained why). Don't kiss the cat on the lips or you'll grow whiskers. Never go out at night on your period.

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juklinwaro
If you lift weights, you will develop testicles. Don't pick your zits or you'll get cancer. Don't eat ice cream standing up (never explained why). Don't kiss the cat on the lips or you'll grow whiskers. Never go out at night on your period.

I'd like to respond to all of the above but I'm laughing too hard.