"Our Parents Resented Us"

A daughter writes about how her parents were wrapped up in each other and the impact that had on the children.

Of course we are well aware that many parents have children and regret it, and that people should think a little more about it, but most of the stories we read are being told from the parent's point of view, as the children are still young. I found this interesting because it came from the child's perspective, as an adult.

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And so, they lived happily ever after. Well, almost.

The trouble was, the mirror soon had to include the two of us. As a result, it didn't work quite as well. And my parents' absorption in each other kept David and me out of their gaze, out of focus.
...
My father himself records occasions when his competitive nature and his intense need to be with my mother – to have her whole attention – made him harsh to his son.
...
On one occasion, my father – on leave from the war, and determined to have my mother's undivided attention – shut his four-year-old son in his bedroom, where he became hysterical and distressed. It was my grandmother, not my mother, who released him. This is by my father's own account. I cannot claim to know about these events directly, but I did see other examples, as we grew up, times when I could see resentment in my father towards his son. And I could see my mother caught between them, much as later – with almost comic symmetry – I saw my father caught between my mother and me.

I arrived in July 1945, at the very end of the war – a round, white-haired baby, mostly happy but oddly prone to scream the place down at night, a prey to terror and boredom, a combination my father understood. My mother did not. She still talked to me in her 80s of her anger at these broken nights.

She told me several times that if I had been their first child they would not have had another – we were too tired, she said.
...

It's too bad that her parents didn't think about it a bit more in advance, and not have children so that they could have the sort of relationship they preferred.

Their father may not have known what children were like in advance, but he sure figured it out later...he was the author of Lord of the Flies.

My grandparents were like this after my father was born in 1940. Grand dad went off to war when my dad was about 1 and came back home when he was 4-5 years of age. My dad remembers pictures and hearing NON STOP about his father and was very excited to finally get to spend some time with him. He remembers excitedly getting swooped up by his father and then abruptly put into the arms of his grandmother who carted his ass back home, SANS mom and dad. Then, they took off on a month long vacation and left his ass with his grandmother the entire summer. The next time he saw his parents my grandmother was knocked up with his sister and then everything was all about THAT baby, until the next one.

My father is emotionally detached from years of his parents being wrapped up in one another when he was a kid. That, and the rampant favoritism that my grandmother clearly exhibits, even to this day, to his brother who is most like his deceased father.

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If YOU are the "exception" to what I am saying, then why does my commentary bother you so much?
I don't hate your kids, I HATE YOU!

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yurble
A daughter writes about how her parents were wrapped up in each other and the impact that had on the children.

Of course we are well aware that many parents have children and regret it, and that people should think a little more about it, but most of the stories we read are being told from the parent's point of view, as the children are still young. I found this interesting because it came from the child's perspective, as an adult.

Quote

And so, they lived happily ever after. Well, almost.

The trouble was, the mirror soon had to include the two of us. As a result, it didn't work quite as well. And my parents' absorption in each other kept David and me out of their gaze, out of focus.
...
My father himself records occasions when his competitive nature and his intense need to be with my mother – to have her whole attention – made him harsh to his son.
...
On one occasion, my father – on leave from the war, and determined to have my mother's undivided attention – shut his four-year-old son in his bedroom, where he became hysterical and distressed. It was my grandmother, not my mother, who released him. This is by my father's own account. I cannot claim to know about these events directly, but I did see other examples, as we grew up, times when I could see resentment in my father towards his son. And I could see my mother caught between them, much as later – with almost comic symmetry – I saw my father caught between my mother and me.

I arrived in July 1945, at the very end of the war – a round, white-haired baby, mostly happy but oddly prone to scream the place down at night, a prey to terror and boredom, a combination my father understood. My mother did not. She still talked to me in her 80s of her anger at these broken nights.

She told me several times that if I had been their first child they would not have had another – we were too tired, she said.
...

It's too bad that her parents didn't think about it a bit more in advance, and not have children so that they could have the sort of relationship they preferred.

Their father may not have known what children were like in advance, but he sure figured it out later...he was the author of Lord of the Flies.

"My son's name was Jack....go figure..."

That guy understood perfectly. Glad he was able to wring a novel out of the whole nightmare, at least.

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"[GFG's pregnancy is] kind of like at the stables where that one dumb, ugly-ass mare broke out of her corral one day and got herself screwed by the equally fugly colt that was due to be gelded the same afternoon."- Shiny

Artists should not be tied down with children.

I felt most sorry for the mother, next the kids. The father I have no sympathy for. His work was "supported" at the expense of the wife and the kids.

MOST of the problems could've been avoided by - avoiding children.

There might have been some professional rivalry between the parents, but at the least - the umpteen problems that kids cause - especially the time drain (mostly on the mother) - wouldn't have been there.

A good film to watch: Pollock.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0183659/

Marcia Gay Harden won an Oscar for portraying Lee Krasner - Pollock's long suffering wife. She REFUSED to have kids with this man as he was an alcoholic and unstable. She was not only a great artist herself - she had the COMMON SENSE not to breed and ruin her life. Or the child's life. In the film, in one scene, where JP pesters her yet again for kids - while drunk - she says - first off - "We're Artists." Then points to the booze in his hand and says: "I will NOT bring a child into THAT."

BRAVO!!!

Jah bless Lee Krasner!!!

And, although she chose to put up with the nutbag drunkard Pollock - her career was not ruined. Side tracked a bit - but she still did very well.

it's not like people don't know how artists, musicians and writers are. if you get hooked with one, be prepared for a daily emotional roller coaster ride.

I own Lord of the Flies on paperback, 'tis a brilliant read.

The insane circus of screaming noisy rug rats you get in public libraries esp. during june and july; I've often refered to it as a Lord of the Flies class reunion.....

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!

Lord of the Flies was inspired simply by a regretful man's living with some loudmouth brats? It's just a metaphor for the chaotic house of Lifescript horrors? I love it!

William Golding FTW!

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filthy mcnasty
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!

Lord of the Flies was inspired simply by a regretful man's living with some loudmouth brats? It's just a metaphor for the chaotic house of Lifescript horrors? I love it!

William Golding FTW!

Yep. I don't really remember Lord Of The Flies - vaguely - what I do remember or what I took away was that kids are monstrous ASSHOLES.

I already know this, don't need to learn by popping out sprogs. Seems the author here did it the hard way. At least he was able to produce a book out of it.

Notice that The Mommy sunk into oblivion. Sounds like she was a pretty good actor. Once sprogged - she was GONE.

For those interested in the arts - here's another interesting tale -
Frank Lloyd Wright's mistress, along with a bunch of other people - were killed by a crazed maniac.

The killer might have been nuts; He might also have been operating under the assumption that a "heathen harlot woman" deserved to be killed. F. LL. W. was no prince either - most accounts of him paint him as a tremendous asshole. He was not at the scene at the time and escaped the carnage. But this incident pretty much killed his career.

Side personal note - my Mom (accountant) had a client who was quite wealthy. She had a home designed by Wright's firm. Back in the day, she was elderly. He stopped speaking to her as she was a 'pest' - and she related to my Mom that Wright was a straight up fucking asshole.

A good book which details the slaughter of Wright's mistress and the others who were at Taliesin at the time:
http://www.amazon.com/Death-Prairie-House-Taliesin-Murders/dp/0299222101

Very good book for those interested in the arts as well as true crime. Most don't know about this incident, literally a gruesome mass murder.

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filthy mcnasty
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!

Lord of the Flies was inspired simply by a regretful man's living with some loudmouth brats? It's just a metaphor for the chaotic house of Lifescript horrors? I love it!

William Golding FTW!

There are three points in Lord of the Flies

!) Kids are assholes
2) Mankind i.e. nation states, in nature are much like children.
3) The kids in the end are saved by a military vessel - a submarine, who is going to save mankind aka nation states from themselves?

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“There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.”

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thom_c
There are three points in Lord of the Flies

!) Kids are assholes
2) Mankind i.e. nation states, in nature are much like children.
3) The kids in the end are saved by a military vessel - a submarine, who is going to save mankind aka nation states from themselves?

I'd summarize it as:

1) Humans have natural aggression as well as a natural desire for order--but the aggression is the stronger force.
2) Children are not innocent; they have the same attributes as adults and the same potential for destruction.

Summary: we are fucked.

Is there something wrong with wanted to nurture your marriage???? Shitheads. We got put to bed so my parents could have a proper dinner together - ALONE. Net result? Phenomenal marriage.

Keep in mind that contraception options were:
a) Abstinence
b) the Dutch Cap
c) Condoms that you washed and reused.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2G9yyD4qrGg

People had kids because that's what unprotected sex will get you.

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Cristabel
Keep in mind that contraception options were:
a) Abstinence
b) the Dutch Cap
c) Condoms that you washed and reused.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2G9yyD4qrGg

People had kids because that's what unprotected sex will get you.

I had originally planned to put a disclaimer in, but the fact that her mother said that if the daughter had been born first they wouldn't have had any more kids strongly suggests there were contraceptive options the mother considered trustworthy.