You Might Be A Breeder If: Part 1

This is just a partial list as I didn't want to make my post too long. I hope breeder humor is allowed in The Living Room. I'm new here so if this isn't acceptable, please feel free to let me know. I hope you all enjoy reading it.

You Might Be A Breeder If:

you've ever changed your child's diaper anywhere other than on a changing table (NO a restaurant table does NOT count as a changing table!!!!s)

you've ever disposed of your child's diaper anywhere other than a trash receptacle

your 7 year old still rides around in a stroller, your 5 year old still wears diapers, AND your 3 year old still gets breastfed (bonus points if 5 and 7 year old still get breastfed as well) :gross

you've ever taken your child out in public wearing only a diaper

you've ever posted an ad begging for things for your children on Craigslist

you've ever referred to your child's/children's father as the "baby daddy"(=baybee duddy)

all of your children have a different father

you have 10 children and you don't know who the father of any of them are (bonus points if you believe they all must have a different "baybee duddy")

you had children solely for the purpose of getting free money and entitlements from the government

you honestly believe that you should never have to work because you had chyyllddrruunn

you expect others to cover for you whenever you need it at work because of teh chyylldruuuunnn but NEVER return the favor (if you even work in the first place)

you honestly believe being a pahrunt is "the most important job in the world"

you honestly believe being a moo is "a woman's greatest achievement" (in which case I feel very sorry for you)

you practice attachment parenting and/or gentle discipline

you refuse to have your children vaccinated and think all vaccinations are harmful

you've ever posted on facebook about your child's dirty diapers, urination, vomiting, potty training details or other gross bodily excrement (bonus points if you've ever posted PICTURES of this literal shit)

you've ever posted a naked picture of your child on facebook (bonus points if gross bodily excrement was also in the photo)

you've ever spoken about your child's private area on facebook or on a pahrunting forum (unless it was out of legitimate medical concern of course)

you've ever posted a photo of yourself giving birth on facebook or somewhere else online

you've ever posted a VIDEO online of yourself giving birth (bonus points if you've ever been on TV giving birth)

you have your own famblee show on TLC- The Lifescript Channel (in which case you most definitely ARE a breeder)

You can't help but bingo your childfree friends relentlessly whenever you see them (which is rarely - if ever)
You have no problem taking your screaming spawn to restaurants, bars, anywhere there is a stripper pole
You take your diapered child to a public swimming pool...
You demand to bring your child to inappropriate events such as weddings and funerals. If the invitation says "adults only" you throw a hissy fit about "age discrimination"
You let your young daughter walk around in glitter teeshirts that say "Little Princess" and "Sweet n' Naughty"
You send your child to stand in front of liquor stores to raise money for their soccer team.
You have to drink or take valium to face your kids every day.
You tell people that "it's all worth it" even though you are dying inside and regret having children.
You buy your toddler an Iphone for Christmas.
You are a titfeeding bully....breast is not best btw (just look up the list of diseases and toxins, medications etc. that are transmitted from mother to child and vice-versa through breast milk)
You titfeed in restaurants, or openly titfeed without covering up properly.
You wish that the world would revert back to the 1950s....
The moment you got pregnant, you abandoned all efforts to have a meaningful career.
Your have no identity outside that of being a mother to your child.
You are secretly resentful towards the childfree so you try to make them feel bad by calling them selfish, shallow and insignificant.

My parents were not breeders, but you can tell my mother came from a breeder family. This was on a farm in Kansas and she was the second youngest of 12 children. She is 83 years old and I STILL hear the effects of too many kids:

She is very good at denial "It will all work out in the end", "your brother doesn't drink that much", "Breed Hills schools were good when we moved here".

Constant everything is about money because "We grew up dirt poor in the Depression" No, your folks had too many kids!

Guilt trips that we her children are ungrateful because "We had nothing" again too many kids.
Talk about the military (She was a Navy nurse before us). The military loves breeder families and they love the military.

Go on a vacation and everything is about the families and who is preggo, who is in college, who is in the service, meeting relatives I don't know. Worse yet, I wanted to see some unique things I never got to because "we got to get back to Uncle Charlies' reunion. I find it all boring. If you are like me and have anxiety problems and did not do well in school because if it you feel left out.

My mother wants to know every detail of my life and I always have to tell her no. She keeps track of whos who and where because when you grow up in a breeder family you raise the younger kids.

We have probably been affected too. 5 kids was too many in the 1970s and 3 probably would be too many today.

You insist on having a home birth, even though it is considered a high-risk pregnancy. When your child is born retarded, you refuse to take responsibility for it.

You let your child breastfeed well into toddlerhood, but tsk tsk any mother who doesn't take the bottle away from her baby before the age of 1.

You continue to count your child's age in months, instead of years, until they are at least five

You incessantly mourn your early-term miscarriage, even though you already have two or three healthy kids who need your time and attention

You don't wash your hair, take showers regularly, wear makeup or don nice clothing, and then act all surprised when hubby has an affair.

You completely ignore hubby, and have kicked him out of bed in favor of your toddler.

One simple reason that sums up many: If you're a breeder, nothing at any time is ever your fault. Even if it is, if you can blame someone or something else, then you're just the victim. A breeder can murder their kid and blame it on PPD...even if the kid is 37.

You are a "SAHM" but your house, your kids and you are filthy.

You neglect your animals or 'get rid of them' because of the kids.

Your vulva looks like a crime scene.

You have ever been on any kind of fertility treatment or have done IVF.

You refer to your son as "Little man".

You've ever had an orgasm while doing something maternal.

You walk around giving everyone your "best, isn't-she-so-cute mommy smile" and looking for approval.

There are differences in the home decor too. Did you ever notice that every picture and photo in a breeders house is KYDS and Relatives? Not to mention all the Kindercrap.

Have you ever notice how no one steals Kindercrap? The breeders across the street from us (they had 4) had their whole front yard with the turtle sandbox, the plastic slide, the blue funnel pool, and tricycles and even when we had a run of robberies no one touched this crap.

In case anyone would like to see some of the gems from the previous rounds of 'You might be a breeder if...': 2007, 2008


Disclaimer: I like to cross-link posts to help maintain a sort of continuity with posts that have come before. This in no way implies a condemnation the OP for bringing up a topic that was previously discussed a long while ago!

1)TLC has contacted you about starring in your own show.
2)You currently have any frozen bodily fluids involved in a custody dispute.
3)You have ever used breastmilk in a recipe.
4)Your husband (or you) refer to your breasts as "nursies", "milkies", "num nums" or "binkies".
5)You are on the ToysRus preferred customer mailing list.
6)You have ever fished any bodily waste out of a toilet.
7)You have ever buried or otherwise had a "ceremony" for the product of a menstrual cycle.
8)You have ever named a pregnancy that didn't produce a visibly recognizable baybee, AND/OR you refer to a miscarriage as "Meaghan, Leighlia, or Jerramiah."
9)You let God plan your famblee.
10)You and your girl kyds have homemade matching Easter dresses.
11)You refer to your welfare check as your "paycheck" and think of yourself as a state employee;title: SAHM
12)You consider yourself a chef, accountant, event planner, maid, and doctor, because you cook dinner, balance your checkbook, throw kiddie birthday parties, own a first aid kit and load the dishwasher.
13)You believe that your husband doesn't notice the purple stretch marks or your cavernous cooch, because he loves you and respects you as the mother of his children.
14)You believe your most important accomplishment in life will have been having a baybee.
15)You often say, "My kids are the most important thing in the world to me", as you chug back another beer or take another toke off a bong while they are wailing in the background.
16)You honestly believe that co-workers don't mind picking up your slack because they understand that you are busy doing TMIJITW. You think that they realize that your kyds will pay for their retirement, so they really don't mind doing your job for you while you continue to draw a check.
17)You feel superior to people who have no children, afterall, it's the most selfless thing a person could ever do for the world. It PROVES that you are not a selfish person and that people without children ARE selfish.
18)You have had more than one court order requiring a DNA test proving paternity.
19)You have more than one kyd with a genetic mutation, awtism, adhd, bi-polar, etc..........
20)You have so many kyds that you have enough first batch kyds to take care of the second batch kyds, and so on.
21)Anyone calls you "maw maw or paw paw", and you haven't yet reached your 40th birthday.
22)You have ever used two separate buggies to divide cash items vs food stamp items while shopping.
23)You have ever had a kyd die accidentally via being locked in a hot car or by drowning in a backyard pool.
24)You have ever drank beer or wine from your baybee's bottle.
25)While at The Captain's Table on a cruise ship, you ask the waiter where the placemats and crayons are.
26)There is a breastpump in your dishwasher.
27)You leak.....anywhere
28)Anyone's hand or mouth is on your tit at night, besides your husband's.
29)Your entire wardrobe consists of moo moo dresses and stretch pants.
30)You have to borrow your husband's jock strap when you wear pants.


Thanks for the link yurble! I don't think that I can possibly top any of these that came to my mind in 2008.

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If YOU are the "exception" to what I am saying, then why does my commentary bother you so much?
I don't hate your kids, I HATE YOU!

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kidlesskim
30)You have to borrow your husband's jock strap when you wear pants.

I just ejected water all over my monitor.

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From a bottle cap message on a Magic Hat #9 beer: Condoms Prevent Minivans
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I want to pick up a bus full of unruly kids and feed them gummi bears and crack, then turn them loose in Hobby Lobby to ransack the place. They will all be wearing T shirts that say "You Could Have Prevented This."

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navi8orgirl

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kidlesskim
30)You have to borrow your husband's jock strap when you wear pants.

I just ejected water all over my monitor.

Now what's going to happen when he wants to play tennis with guys and he wonders where it is? Oh, wait, ever since he got "oopsed", he hasn't been playing any sports and all. Actually, not finding it is the best thing that could happen.

He must have realized where it went; when his wifeypoo pulls on her MomJeans she no longer looks like the album cover for "Tom Jones: Live in Vegas." larious

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From a bottle cap message on a Magic Hat #9 beer: Condoms Prevent Minivans
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I want to pick up a bus full of unruly kids and feed them gummi bears and crack, then turn them loose in Hobby Lobby to ransack the place. They will all be wearing T shirts that say "You Could Have Prevented This."

Quote
yurble
In case anyone would like to see some of the gems from the previous rounds of 'You might be a breeder if...': 2007, 2008


Disclaimer: I like to cross-link posts to help maintain a sort of continuity with posts that have come before. This in no way implies a condemnation the OP for bringing up a topic that was previously discussed a long while ago!

Thanks for the links, Yurble. I probably should have named this thread "You Might Be A Breeder If: 2010 Edition." Oh well.

Here's some more I thought of:

you announced your pregnancy to everyone you knew as soon as the stick changed color just for attention

you had multiple showers for each and every child you had

you've ever felt upstaged by another inpig moo convinced she was just trying to steal attention away from YOUR inpigness

you've ever mourned a heavy period as if it was a lost living breathing kyd (bonus breeder points if mourning involved ceremony and/or burial of a pad)

you have pictures of yourself holding a dead fetus

you have pictures of your children holding a dead fetus

you've ever had fertility treatments/fertility drugs or fertility assistance of any kind

you think artificially creating embryos/artificial insemination/using fertility drugs are perfectly fine but condemn baby formula because it's unnatural

you think using whatever means necessary to artifically create fetuses is perfectly fine but think abortion is "against God's will"

you think it's "against God's will" for unmarried people to have sex but it "is God's will" for all illegitimate fetuses to be born

your doctor ever advised against having children but you did it anyway

you knew you were a carrier of a horrible genetic condition (or several!) but had children anyway because you wanted to be a moo goddammit!

you wouldn't even consider adoption because you think adopted kids are inferior to your DNA (nevermind the fact that your DNA is too fucked up to allow natural pregnancy in the first place) :flaming

you've posted a whole album of sonogram pictures on facebook

you make it a point to always breastfeed openly and in public

you practice "elimination communication"

you have lots of children, drive a gas-guzzling SMooV, use disposable diapers by the cartload but think you're helping the environment because you recycle aluminum cans

all of your children sleep in the same bed as you and your partner

you honestly believe being a SAHMoo is "the hardest job in the world" and you should be paid a fortune to do it

you complain about how hard it is to be a SAHMoo while sitting on your ass posting to facebook and playing farmville

You are frustrated at work because your co-workers don't have kids; when your co-workers do have kids, you tell them how to raise theirs because you know best!

You start nearly every sentence with, "As the mother of a chyld, I know..."

You pass off someone else's birthday cupcakes as your pignasty party treats. (No lie - this happened to me.)

You interrupt people's conversations about anything with, "You people don't have baybees at home!" and then proceed to contrive some relationship between whatever the normal people were talking about and the fact that your ovaries worked.

You ask things on FakeBook like, "What are the cool mawms wearing?" when in fact, you look like a hippo trying to squeeze into a tu-tu.

In bed, you kick out the father of the children, and sleep with the children. (A HUGE no-no in my book!)

You get a tattoo of your child, and the state has taken the child away from you. (Why yes, Amber from 'Teen Mom', I am thinking about you.)

You have to stop using tampons because they fall out as soon as you stand up.

You forgot your own name, so you still refer to yourself as shitford's mom after he's 30.

When foreplay is your husband asking "is it in?"

You have to be careful not to pinch your nipple with your belt.

If you walk into the room while hubby and his friends are comparing scars, and you are deemed the uncontested winner.

You kid takes a picture of your stomach for his project on the moon's valleys.

You ever referred to yourself as "mom sexy"

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I walk the path of life to my own rhythm, my own beat-if you don't like it, step off and find your own damn song!

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KABA
You have to stop using tampons because they fall out as soon as you stand up.

You forgot your own name, so you still refer to yourself as shitford's mom after he's 30.

When foreplay is your husband asking "is it in?"

You have to be careful not to pinch your nipple with your belt.

If you walk into the room while hubby and his friends are comparing scars, and you are deemed the uncontested winner.

Your kid takes a picture of your stomach for his project on the moon's valleys.

You ever referred to yourself as "mom sexy"

lariouslarious

I highlighted my favorites, although they are all funny. Oh and "mom" and "sexy" don't belong in the same sentence unless the word NOT is included in there somewhere.

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If YOU are the "exception" to what I am saying, then why does my commentary bother you so much?
I don't hate your kids, I HATE YOU!

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yurble
You get a tattoo of your child, and the state has taken the child away from you. (Why yes, Amber from 'Teen Mom', I am thinking about you.)

Aauugghh! Does this hopefully mean no more kyds for her? (She's denying rumors that she's in pig again.) Because, with a growing belly, that tat is going to get all Dizzy-Gillespie-like!

You think sleeping in a bed soaked with fresh kid urine is ok.

Your meals aren't complete without something breaded and/or deep fried.

You can't remember the last time you shaved above the knee.

Mechanics play "Rock, Paper, Scissors" to decide who has to service your smelly shit wagon.

You reach for the top shelf in the supermarket and unwittingly pee on the Lucky Charms. (bladder issues, you know)

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Miss_Hannigan
You reach for the top shelf in the supermarket and unwittingly pee on the Lucky Charms. (bladder issues, you know)

The first thing that came to mind on that is "OMG, she's so fucked up from passing bowling balls she now pees forward instead of down.

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I walk the path of life to my own rhythm, my own beat-if you don't like it, step off and find your own damn song!

Quote
KABA

Quote
Miss_Hannigan
You reach for the top shelf in the supermarket and unwittingly pee on the Lucky Charms. (bladder issues, you know)

The first thing that came to mind on that is "OMG, she's so fucked up from passing bowling balls she now pees forward instead of down.

Based on some of the ravaged cooter pics that some of those tootie-cosmetic surgeons have online in the before-after shots, they could easily pee standing up via bunching the stretched and flapping pieces of their twat together, like a funnel.

------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------
If YOU are the "exception" to what I am saying, then why does my commentary bother you so much?
I don't hate your kids, I HATE YOU!

Quote
kidlesskim

Quote
KABA

Quote
Miss_Hannigan
You reach for the top shelf in the supermarket and unwittingly pee on the Lucky Charms. (bladder issues, you know)

The first thing that came to mind on that is "OMG, she's so fucked up from passing bowling balls she now pees forward instead of down.

Based on some of the ravaged cooter pics that some of those tootie-cosmetic surgeons have online in the before-after shots, they could easily pee standing up via bunching the stretched and flapping pieces of their twat together, like a funnel.

That's one mental image I could have gone the rest of my life without.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I walk the path of life to my own rhythm, my own beat-if you don't like it, step off and find your own damn song!

Quote
KABA

Quote
kidlesskim

Quote
KABA

Quote
Miss_Hannigan
You reach for the top shelf in the supermarket and unwittingly pee on the Lucky Charms. (bladder issues, you know)

The first thing that came to mind on that is "OMG, she's so fucked up from passing bowling balls she now pees forward instead of down.

Based on some of the ravaged cooter pics that some of those tootie-cosmetic surgeons have online in the before-after shots, they could easily pee standing up via bunching the stretched and flapping pieces of their twat together, like a funnel.

That's one mental image I could have went the rest of my life without.

Hence, the need for the forementioned jockstrap.

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Dogsmeow2
You are a "SAHM" but your house, your kids and you are filthy.

You neglect your animals or 'get rid of them' because of the kids.

Your vulva looks like a crime scene.

You have ever been on any kind of fertility treatment or have done IVF.

You refer to your son as "Little man".

You've ever had an orgasm while doing something maternal.

You walk around giving everyone your "best, isn't-she-so-cute mommy smile" and looking for approval.

i call my pomeranian "my little man"

that is called a "baby fetish"