Ive been gone for awhile, so I'm going to grace you all with a funny post on the topic of regret. I was recently told by a coworker of mine that if I didn't have a child, I would be regretful of my not having a "child of my own". Then a very funny thing happened. I thought of what EXACTLY I would (or could) regret. Here's my awesome list.
LIST OF UNFATHOMABLE, TEAR-JERKING CHILDFREE REGRETS
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1.) I hate waking up every morning not being covered in baby vomit.
2.) I hate this life of freedom, I mean seriously! I can go ANYWHERE I WANT! what kind of shit is thiiiiiis!?
3.) I wish MY life was tied to a child's every waking moment! This isnt fair!
4.) I wish I was living paycheck to paycheck trying to support a child that I can't really afford.
5.) How come I don't get to teach a child about the horrors of rape, torture, slavery, racism and genocide? come ON! I wanna do SOMETHING with my childbearing years!
6.) Why can't I get urinated on while im changing a diaper? Why.
7.) Why can't I have a snazzy new recto-vaginal fistula? New moms get to have all the fun..
8.) Why don't I get to look like a bloated elephant while someone inside me continually kicks me in the bladder?
9.) Why can't I trade menstral cramps for unimaginable weight gain and an undecided future?
10.) How come I can't be woken up every two hours to feed a colicky baby?
11.) How come I'm not totally vulnerable to economic downshift because my baby needs to eat regardless of my income?
12.) Where's my WIC!? huh? HUH?
13.) Why can't I be the target of every human being's hatred in a restaurant because my child is having a meltdown and wont shut up!?
14.) My vagina is compact and free of rips and tears! Why ME!?
15.) My boobs are round, buoyant and perfect! Balls!
16.) What? My barely-teenage daughter is pregnant? You sick bastard.. I don't have a teenage daughter that can GET PREGNANT! How dare you get my hopes up!
17.) What do you mean I can't raise my 15 year old's baby? Jesus!
18.) How come I don't have leaky nipples?
19.) I can't believe I could afford this new computer I'm currently typing on! IM A WRECK!
20.) I'm in my childbearing years and all I have is this education and bright future! I need to focus!
21.) I can't believe I just ate a doughnut for breaskfast without a small child begging for it and then throwing a monumental fit because I wont let them have diabetes!
22.) Why don't I have a child that has diabetes!? I want a child with diabetes!
23.) And autism!
24.) And elephantitis!
25.) And Bipolar disorder!
26.) And Down's!
27.) And is retarded with flippers! He would have so much fun in my bathtub and his name would be Happy (why yes, I am going to hell.), and I would defend him from all the other kids at school that call him "Flapjacks" on a daily basis.
28.) And a predisposition to laschivous behavior, so can have an early grandbaby and more economic strain!
29.) Why can't I have a child named Flapjacks, or Winona, or Sparkels McFlappynuts? (The "ark" would be silent because I wouldn't want her to think creationism is real, even though I believe in it because I wouldnt want to stifle her creativity).
30.) Why can't I ruin the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and Harry Potter for my child and then have to help them cope with their shattered delusions and early onset childhood depression.
31.) Why don't I get to witness the majesty of a 4 year old's temper tantrum?
32.) Dammit! why am I sitting in class instead of having my nipple bitten off by a teething, hungry 3 year old?
33.) I'm not stuck at home tonight *sob*, I have.. PLANS!*sob sob*with.. my best friend!*sob sob sob*
34.) Steak again? Shit. I wanted Chef Boyardee and dry cheerios.
35.) Why the fuck am I at Dave and Buster's? We should go to Chuck E. Cheese's where the REAL party's at!
36.) Im listening to death metal when I SHOULD be listening to Dora the Explorer repeat destinations like a broken record.
37.) You know, sometimes I wish I could live in constant fear of my child being abducted and raped by a carny.
38.) I wish dead baby jokes offended me *sigh*.
39.) Why aren't my precious possessions covered in snot and grape jelly? I have no life!
40.) My walls are clean and not smeared with feces or feces-like children's scribblings.. I feel so sad and bitter.
41.) I have a life savings! What do mean that's "fantastic"?! Are you shitting me right now!?
42.) I have a job that is fast-paced and intellectually stimulating.. I wish I didn't.
43.) I have time to write this list! FML!
44.) I didn't have to censor the curse words on this list!
45.) Why don't I have to buy censored CD's? This is a travesty.
46.) I can actually drink alcohol tonight... fuck
47.) I just said fuck and noone is accusing me of being a bad parent because I'm not a parent and can say fuck whenever I fucking want! Son of a bitch!
48.) Why don't I have to keep a small version of myself from eating thumbtacks off the floor?
49.) Where is my morning sickness!
50.) What do you mean my weekend is totally free? This is torture.
51.) I wish I could see MY child become a serial killer.
52.) Why aren't I being blamed for everything that has gone wrong in someone's life? Ive wasted my existence!
53.) Mother Guilt doesn't apply to me.. *sob*
54.) I wish I had someone to kill me so they could get their inheritance early.
55.) Why don't I have someone to dump me in a nursing home and never call or visit?
56.) How come I can't be hated by random pedestrians because my doublewide stroller is taking up the sidewalk?
57.) Why can't I be useless in the workplace and call off of work for child related issues?
58.) Ugh. I hate the peace and quiet in my house. I want to hear the soothing screech of a toddler.
59.) Damn it. I can talk to an adult without mentioning bodily functions.
60.) I wish I could get sick more often, why don't I have a walking petri dish of my own?
61.) My relationship with my Sig. Other is entirely undisturbed and peaceful. I wish I could have a child screw it up.
62.) I could have spontaneous sex anywhere in my house and be as loud and perverted as I want without being interrupted. My life sucks.
63.) What do you mean I don't have to watch the porn on mute!?
64.) Damn. I can do any number of stupid things and not have to explain it to the next generation.
65.) Vacation? To a sunny tropical island with white beaches and blue, clear ocean? *sigh* I wanted to go to Kiddy Land.
66.) *sigh* Our car doesn't have an annoying-ass car seat in the back.. just my friends. *sigh*
67.) I wish I could be a brain-dead stay at home mom, but NOOOO! I had to be interesting and educated! BLECH!
68.) My trips to the store are quiet... too quiet.
69.) My vagina isn't the open-faced roast beef sandwich I wished it was.. just tight and pink.
70.) Oh how I wish I could go to PTA meetings and hear that my child is an idiot.
71.) Oh how I wish I could go to PTA meetings and they show me my child's secret stash of pot in their locker.
72.) I wish I had to rely on a man to feed my children while I stayed home and played farmville.. oh well.
73.) I wish my vagina was ripped from my cl*t to my a$$h*le.. what kind of woman am I?
74.) I wish I could feel a small human rip through my most sensitive areas.
75.) I wish I had to convince a screaming baby to eat at 4 in the morning.
76.) Diaper blowouts don't apply to me.. well fuck.
77.) My cat isn't tortured by little hands pulling her ears or tail. I'm a lousy pet owner.
78.) Damn. I cant believe I'm a high functioning member of society.
79.) I volunteer. I'm such a selfish shithead.
80.) What do you mean I can't help overpopulate our earth?
81.) I don't use half as many nonrenewable resources as I should.. I'm totally going to hell.
82.) Why don't I have to punish someone and make them resent me and love daddy more?
83.) I wish I could play head games with my child while my Sig. Oth. go through a nasty divorce caused by too much stress.. my life is so boring and unfulfilled.
84.) I wish I could be more depressed and stressed out. Damn all this contentedness!
85.) When I want to go for a walk, I only have to dress myself. I'm so miserable.
86.) I go to school, work, go out, and have a very good relationship with a person I love.. If only I could have a baby and put an end to this awful bliss and happiness.
87.) I don't have to share my belongings. damn.
88.) I don't have to take my out of control teen on the Maury show.
89.) I don't have to worry about doctors.. or vaccinations.. or whooping cough.. or the flu.. or chicken pox..what the fuck! I have no life!
90.) I wish I could raise someone for years, give them the better part of my life and then have them turn around and hate me.. That's tie well spent IMO.
91.) You mean my education will actually go toward me getting a decent job that pays and not towards wiping something's ass!? where did I go wrong?
92.) I wish I had a reason to get online and join the thousands of mothers who are now admitting that motherhood sucks donkey dick.. But Im not a mother so I'm not unhappy or resentful enough.. I can't live like this.
93.) I don't have to buy an ipod, xbox, barbie doll, or smartphone for anyone but myself. I hate being independent.
94.) My face is clear and wrinkle free. Why?
95.) If I am up past three, Its my own fault. I hate being able to sleep all night.
96.) This unscathed, beautiful, sexy body makes my sick. I wish I could give birth and ruin it.
97.) I have a family, an SO, and a slew of friends that I would die for *sigh* If only I could learn what true love is. If I had a child I would know!
98.) I wish I had to chauffer a child to 10,000 activities a day and still be considered a shitty parent.
99.) I wish I had to hear unsolicited advice about childrearing from everyone and anything that can speak.
100.) I wish I could envy the childfree and resent the world for not telling me that being a parent would suck ass for me. I want to feel my lifestyle be threatened enough to be an asshole and bingo someone! Why did have to think rationally about the choice to have kids?
There you have it folks. These are all my regrets. My coworker was right, I TOOOOTALLY regret not having kids. LOL! And this list could have gone on longer... believe me. But for now, I'm cursed with this happy, comfortable life style.. oh well.
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So.. We know that food and water are running out, with overpopulation and all... Yet people keep on poppin' out those babies! I guess they want to have their baby and eat it too...
My top reason is that parenting gives you a free license to be selfish based purely on the fact that you're being selfish for an emanation of your own self. The illusion that what you do to benefit your children benefits them solely is a fallacy. Every parent benefits from the benefits that their children receive. Henceforth, it gives one a license to perpetuate a dog-eat-dog mentality that I perceive to be amoral. Parents say that their children are their greatest loves, what they forget to add is that they are their ONLY loves and only because their children are a reflection of themselves. I prefer to be able to love multiple people and have lasting relationships of many types and possess the essential core value of empathy for all than to restrict myself to an echo chamber of ego-masturbation and self-serving chicanery.
In short: Not parenting makes you a better person.
wink
larious
