It's been a little too long since my last installment of goodies, but what better way to ring in Daylight Savings Time than bringing my favorite CFers tales from the bowels of The Commode! This got really long too, which is what I get for waiting so long to read this shit.

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Humpty Clumpty sat in a womb, Humpty Clumpty fell out and went 'boom'
rA huge topic about dead clumps and loaves. Not sure if the pictures work. Thread starter intended to name her dead son "Innocent." WTFery right out of the gate! Must be she thought if she named him that, he'd be a perfect little angel or some shit. As you can imagine, this topic is loaded with photos and ultrasounds of dead and doomed clumps that came out at various times in gestation. Innocent's Moo took the fetus out of the sac, immersed it in saline and kept it in the fridge for three weeks before burying it. Most Moomies say "It's not morbid to do this crazy shit!" Of course it's not morbid to keep your dead fetus in the fridge nestled among the yogurt cups and juice bottles for weeks at a time, just like how it's not morbid for women to keep their stillborn infants in the freezer for years, right? Of course most of the commenting Moos have several miscarriages under their belts because they never fucking learn. There are healthy ways to grieve, but what some of these women do does not fall into healthy territory.
http://www.mothering.com/forum/455-trying-conceive-after-loss/1327960-angel-baby-picture-gallery.html

:goggle"Did you let your older kids meet their miscarried sibling?" The original topic and accompanying replies are gone, but the last commenter talks about how her kid added the miscarried clump to the family tree for her class project. I'm thinking that was the result of serious Moo projection onto existing kids because no child would think to do that on their own. Still, how do you introduce someone to their miscarried sibling? Do Moos actually bring the whole fam damily in the bathroom and pass the shrimpy fetus around like it's a newborn? Do they make their existing kids hold her bloody clump? Blech.
http://www.mothering.com/forum/22-pregnancy-birth-loss/1426609-did-you-let-your-older-kids-meet-their-lost-sibling.html

dWhat do you say when someone asks you how many kids you have when you've miscarried a few times? Most say to include the clumps in that number. First world Moo problems. I wonder if any breeder sow has ever tried to claim her "angel babies" as dependents on taxes.
http://www.mothering.com/forum/156-pregnancy-after-birth-loss/1401789-how-answer-how-many-kids-you-have.html


Pignancy funnies
:bayybeeMoo claims she doesn't want more kids and says her family probably doesn't want her to have more either since she's already got four crotch-shits. Well, she's probably pregnant a fifth time and wondering how to announce her Blessed Event^TM creatively? Honestly, no matter how she says it, I bet no one will give a flying fuck anyway. Also, if you have to "try to get excited" about your own loaf, maybe you shouldn't be fucking having it?
http://www.mothering.com/forum/19-i-m-pregnant/1456649-looking-support-creative-way-announce-baby-5-a.html

:sx"Duh-eee, could I be pregnant even though I didn't have secks?!" This is the kind of shit I expect to read (in something vaguely resembling English) on teen health forums, but I think a adult wrote this. Whut. If you don't know by the time you're an adult that you can't get knocked up when you're clothed and don't have vaginal sex, I think it's time for a chastity belt until you take a human biology class.
http://www.mothering.com/forum/68-fertility/1432634-could-i-pregnant-without-having-sexual-intercourse.html

:bdidA Moo asks where to buy equipment to do IUI (intra-uterine insemination) at home. Because turkey basters just ain't doin' it for her. No actual answers to the topic, but it's just amusing that she even asked. I wonder if there's a way to do IVF at home that these heifers haven't discovered or tried yet.
http://www.mothering.com/forum/68-fertility/1458354-home-iui-supplies.html


Allergies, nudity and shit
:smnMoo's toddler has some kind of huge ballsack tumor that almost never occurs in children over the age of 1 and generally occurs in grown men and is usually 1/3 the size of this kid's. Of course Moo's major concern is "OMG my goldenpenis' FERTILITY!" Then she asks this three-year-old if he wants to have the growth removed. Who is the parent here? No kid wants a doctor diddling around with their junk. At the very least, the issue was apparently harmless and resolved on its own. Still, I don't think a toddler should be getting asked whether or not he wants surgery because he might get an owwie. What if it was something genuinely bad? Would Moo have refused treatment because the kid said "no?" At that age, I think the parents need to still be making health decisions for them.
http://www.mothering.com/forum/17515-toddler-health/1393660-spermatocele-3-year-old.html

Heifers discussing their bastards that just love to climb on everything and won't listen to "Don't climb (thing), sweetie-poo!" Why do they all avoid the obvious solution: the natural consequences of face-planting off the dining room table? Maybe when Junior splits his head open after swan-diving off the fuckin' couch and he has to get his head sewn back together, he'll learn something. Who knows, maybe the kid will hit his empty head just right and wind up crippled, and then his ass won't climb anything anymore.
http://www.mothering.com/forum/31-life-toddler/1301763-how-do-you-keep-climber-off-dining-room-table.html

I really wonder if this is a little satire aimed at the Moos whose brats are allergic to everyfuckingthing that exists. According to this poster, her one-year-old's blood test results show allergies to eggs, peanuts, soybeans, dairy, shrimp, walnuts, wheat, almonds, crab, lobster, chicken, beef, barley, rice, coconut, rye, oats, peaches, pears, and hazelnuts. Kid breaks out in hives and eczema when exposed to all these foods. If this is true, how in the blue fuck does someone so sick manage to continue living? I have never in my life heard of someone who was allergic to THAT many things, including meats. I think it'd be much kinder to let Darwin deal with this biological mess than bother trying to raise it to adulthood.
http://www.mothering.com/forum/17517-toddler-nutrition/1460698-my-1yr-old-allergic-everything.html

:ViolinFour-year-old brings home the Virus of the Week from preschool. Moo laments about how she's been constantly sick for six straight weeks because once she gets over one bug that Pweshus brings home, she gets sick from a new bug. There was pneumonia, and this might just be cow histrionics, but claimed she had a bug with such a bad fever that she really thought she was going to die from it. Colds, flu, laryngitis and pneumonia all within a 2-month radius. Moo is also beefing a loaf that, shockingly, has not gotten sick. I bet the preschool is full of unvaxed kids too.
http://www.mothering.com/forum/65-childhood-years/1455969-endless-illness-when-child-begins-preschool.html

Determined brat can hold his shits for up to a week, even when being fed Miralax regularly. Moo has him read a book titled "It Hurts When I Poop," which sounds more like a Weird Al song than a kid's book. Another Moo tried to encourage her brat to shit by giving the shit a personality with a funny voice. Huh? The shit-voice Moo said the kid's grandmother cured him of his habit by making him wash his own shitty underwear in the toilet. Doesn't your life feel meaningless and empty without having to consider putting your child in therapy because he won't shit? Frankly, a kid that can't/won't shit sounds like a fucking miracle to me. No fecal murals on the walls.
http://www.mothering.com/forum/65-childhood-years/1261538-my-4-year-old-holds-his-poop.html

15-year-old girl suddenly wants to be a nudist and Moo is wondering how to approach the situation. Duh is all for his snookums being bare-assed, which has prompted a couple members to suggest he might be a pedo. Not to mention two younger brothers in the house. I'm not sure what to think of this. Odds are it's a teenybopper rebellion phase and Duh knows that fighting with her about it will just make her want it more, but who knows.
http://www.mothering.com/forum/39-preteens-teens/1460962-15-year-old-daughter-want-nude-home.html


Heifer health
There is apparently such a thing as a "placenta encapsulation specialist." You can buy the equipment to turn your own placenta into capsules. I bet this "title" winds up on resumes of SAHMs who try to re-enter the work force after 15 years of not working.
http://www.mothering.com/forum/16938-birth-professionals/1429802-becoming-placenta-encapsulation-specialist.html

:sxMoos discuss all the birth control options they've used. No big shock, a lot of them rely on withdrawal and that temperature charting horse shit cutely referred to as "natural family planning."
http://www.mothering.com/forum/180-family-planning/1182220-how-many-types-birth-control-have-you-tried-your-life.html


Delightful exes
rMoo's ex-husband has a new girlfriend that co-sleeps with his kids a few hours after meeting them. That's a new one.
http://www.mothering.com/forum/234-single-parenting/1396608-my-xdhs-new-social-worker-gf-coslept-kids.html

:sxMoo has three brats and genital herpes, and she's worried about being unable to find a mate in the future... but she's still married to her husband (I assume a divorce is in progress). Sorry Moo, but unless you're willing to date a pedophile, I think that's one too many nails in the coffin.
http://www.mothering.com/forum/234-single-parenting/1454217-need-advice.html

Single woman gets knocked up by a guy who obviously has no interest in her or being a father, and she was prepared to abort when she found out... but her own mother is talking her into keeping the loaf with various bingos like "It's not as hard as society portrays it" , "some people can't have kids", "I want to be a grandmother" and "you won't regret being a mom." To be fair, many of the responses are sane. I especially like "I feel that regretting an abortion is far better than regretting an actual child."
www.mothering.com/forum/234-single-parenting/1402435-single-pregnant-father-child-ignoring-me.html

:baybie1How do you force a man to parent his kids, asks a single Moo? Well, you can't. Not breeding with losers is usually a good start. Moo thinks she's sticking it to him by trying to make him file shit in court to see his bastards, but if anything, that's just more reason for him to not have a damn thing to do with the kids.
http://www.mothering.com/forum/234-single-parenting/1402558-my-ex-won-t-parent.html

Other BS
:mrdMoo seems to not like that Duh has realized that there is no "him" anymore - that he's just a father and a husband and is just going to try and tolerate the next two decades raising their two bastards. Duh and Moo had desires to travel, but bred instead and Duh no likey. Moo says she doesn't want him to be there against his will, but you know if he up and left, she'd be screaming about what a deadbeat he is. Duh doesn't want therapy because he knows no amount of shrink visits will fix his shitty life. Shouldn't have bred twice, dumbass.
http://www.mothering.com/forum/40-dads/1022053-x-posted-pap-i-need-reality-check-re-satisfaction-family-life.html

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Cambion
Humpty Clumpty

larious :jump

from constantly sick moo from 4 year old:
can you imagine if ebola ever got into a kiddie warehouse complex?
oh, the pain of it all..,,.

two cents ¢¢

CERTIFIED HOSEHEAD!!!

people (especially women) do not give ONE DAMN about what they inflict on children and I defy anyone to prove me wrong

Dysfunctional relationships almost always have a child. The more dysfunctional, the more children.

The selfish wants of adults outweigh the needs of the child.

Some mistakes cannot be fixed, but some mistakes can be 'fixed'.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. Leo J. Burke

Adoption agencies have strict criteria (usually). Breeders, whose combined IQ's would barely hit triple digits, have none.

Those fetuses are in the first link are a bad dream. I'm the sort who isn't grossed out to hold frogs and snakes and I shuddered at the thought of those fetuses touching my bare hands. One pic showed nothing more than a raw meatball dressed in bonnet and gown so it looked like some freaky scarecrow and I laughed in confusion.

Quote
Cambion



Determined brat can hold his shits for up to a week, even when being fed Miralax regularly. Moo has him read a book titled "It Hurts When I Poop," which sounds more like a Weird Al song than a kid's book.

_______________________________________________
“There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.”

Quote
thom_c

Quote
Cambion



Determined brat can hold his shits for up to a week, even when being fed Miralax regularly. Moo has him read a book titled "It Hurts When I Poop," which sounds more like a Weird Al song than a kid's book.

I was thinking Zappa.

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From a bottle cap message on a Magic Hat #9 beer: Condoms Prevent Minivans
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I want to pick up a bus full of unruly kids and feed them gummi bears and crack, then turn them loose in Hobby Lobby to ransack the place. They will all be wearing T shirts that say "You Could Have Prevented This."

Gah! I shouldn't have gone to that first link ::brbl

Thank you Cambion, for re-capping the shit show that is breederdom.

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"[GFG's pregnancy is] kind of like at the stables where that one dumb, ugly-ass mare broke out of her corral one day and got herself screwed by the equally fugly colt that was due to be gelded the same afternoon."- Shiny