PMYABP AKA Narcissistic parenting July 26, 2015 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 7,757 |
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Re: PMYABP AKA Narcissistic parenting July 28, 2015 | Registered: 9 years ago Posts: 379 |
Re: PMYABP AKA Narcissistic parenting July 28, 2015 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 1,603 |
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screaming sausage
Part of the reason I come here is because I'm a daughter of a narcissistic mother and find this place to be excellent therapy... I'll just leave these here:
Traits Of Narcissistic Mothers
I remember learning about narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), reading this article and having a proper scales-falling-from-eyes moment- it describes my mother to a tee. A classic article, this- and while it focuses on mothers the content relates to fathers too, this behaviour just seems much more common in mothers of daughters for some reason.
My own mother put me down constantly and one of her favourite insults, which haunts me to this day, was "There's something wrong with you". Of course, she had been trying to give me a complex and destroy my self esteem- and it worked, and that's why I had been struggling to succeed in life. I stopped trying to get counsellors to find out what was "wrong" with me when I learned about NPD, and finding a counsellor who knew about it was what put me on the road to recovery- or as the counsellor put it, "what was "wrong" with you was her!"
Out Of The Fog
Just a great resource for getting your head around NPD and other disorders. "FOG" refers to the "Fear, Obligation, Guilt" method which emotional abusers use to control their victims- something a lot of parents do when guilt-tripping their children and trying to make them feel like they owe them something.
And finally, on a more light-hearted note:
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ParentalFavoritism
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TheUnfavourite
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/WellDoneSonGuy
There are plenty more examples from TV Tropes, all of which are covered by this:
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TruthInTelevision
Yes, narcissistic parents, parental favouritism etc are all so common that plenty of fiction writers have been through them and lived to quite literally tell the tale through their work.
I hope these links are useful- and while you're at it, search TV Tropes for "babies" if you want to see more of this brutal honesty about breeders:
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BabiesMakeEverythingBetter
Re: PMYABP AKA Narcissistic parenting July 28, 2015 | Registered: 9 years ago Posts: 379 |
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JohnDrake
[I'm the son of narcissistic parents, but the list on that page describes my mother pretty accurately. She did many of these things. I was one of the scapegoats in my family.
Re: PMYABP AKA Narcissistic parenting July 28, 2015 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 1,603 |
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screaming sausage
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JohnDrake
[I'm the son of narcissistic parents, but the list on that page describes my mother pretty accurately. She did many of these things. I was one of the scapegoats in my family.
Oh yes, the article was written by the author of this book, hence the focus on mother-daughter relationships, but that list applies to all narcissistic parents. For some reason this kind of abuse seems much more common among mothers with daughters, it would be interesting to find out why.
I'm pretty sure my paternal grandfather had NPD and I know he was a complete bully towards my father. He was cruel in many subtle, deniable ways- for example, he had never approved of my parents' marriage and was constantly trying to humiliate my mother and let her know she wasn't welcome as a member of the family, and doing little things to try and drive them apart. Even as an adult he was utterly terrified of him- and while they did stop speaking once- he still came crawling back to him in the end, thanks to lashings of the ol' Fear, Obligation and Guilt.
Out Of The Fog's articles put the percentage of NPD sufferers in the general population at an estimate of 1% but I suspect it's much higher as many victims don't realise they're being abused by one, and NPD is the personality disorder which people are least likely to seek help for as one of the symptoms is the sufferer believing they're perfect and everyone else is defective. In any case I have at least two friends with narcissistic parents- one a man whose older brother is the Golden Boy, another who has a Golden Child sister and a Scapegoat sister and while she's "the lucky one" who was never singled out herself she has been witness to endless drama between her two sisters and her parents. In addition I'm a Scapegoat with a Golden Child sister and my father was a Scapegoat only child... and the prevalence of these relationships in fiction also suggests this family set-up is depressingly common... but hey, PMYABP!
Re: PMYABP AKA Narcissistic parenting July 28, 2015 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 2,975 |
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Re: PMYABP AKA Narcissistic parenting July 31, 2015 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 1,603 |
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JohnDrake
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screaming sausage
Out Of The Fog
Just a great resource for getting your head around NPD and other disorders. "FOG" refers to the "Fear, Obligation, Guilt" method which emotional abusers use to control their victims- something a lot of parents do when guilt-tripping their children and trying to make them feel like they owe them something.
Re: PMYABP AKA Narcissistic parenting July 31, 2015 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 7,835 |
Re: PMYABP AKA Narcissistic parenting July 31, 2015 | Registered: 18 years ago Posts: 9,976 |
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JohnDrake
It took me many years to realize that with narcissistic parents, the kids don't exist so they can be raised to go out into the world, they exist solely to meet the needs of the parents and can't have much of a life outside of them.
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mumofsixbirds
My moo was a narcissistic mother as well. She always reminded me of how much better other people were than me, and always downplayed any success I had in life.
Re: PMYABP AKA Narcissistic parenting August 10, 2015 | Registered: 12 years ago Posts: 173 |
Re: PMYABP AKA Narcissistic parenting August 10, 2015 | Registered: 9 years ago Posts: 951 |
Re: PMYABP AKA Narcissistic parenting August 10, 2015 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 1,603 |
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Cambion
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JohnDrake
It took me many years to realize that with narcissistic parents, the kids don't exist so they can be raised to go out into the world, they exist solely to meet the needs of the parents and can't have much of a life outside of them.
Yup all around. My mother was never interested in raising someone who would become an independent, responsible adult - she just wanted to mold me to fit her plan that she had laid out for my life from the start. She didn't let me go anywhere (because I might have sex and do drugs), wouldn't let me do any sort of extra-curricular activities, tried to stifle my love of art for a long time (then decided I had to study it because someone told her I'd get rich doing it), wouldn't let me have a job in high school or college, never taught me things like how to cook, balance a checkbook, never had The TalkTM, nothing. I had to learn things all on my own.
Re: PMYABP AKA Narcissistic parenting August 10, 2015 | Registered: 12 years ago Posts: 173 |
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mrs. chinaski
I have the same background.
I always felt unloved and not "good enough".
@ danity: How old are you?
I am 34, the anger is mostly gone.
"It is so, so common for children of narcs to not want kyds themselves."
-> do you have any source for this or is it rather an observation?
I am just curious.
Re: PMYABP AKA Narcissistic parenting August 10, 2015 | Registered: 9 years ago Posts: 951 |
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Re: PMYABP AKA Narcissistic parenting August 10, 2015 | Registered: 12 years ago Posts: 173 |
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mrs. chinaski
@ danity: Thank you for your reply. It all makes perfect sense to me.
I needed a lot of time to figure out what happened. I thought I was the bad one.
I had 0 self-confidence which also lead to other problems in my life.
Re: PMYABP AKA Narcissistic parenting August 10, 2015 | Registered: 8 years ago Posts: 197 |
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mumofsixbirds
My moo was a narcissistic mother as well. She always reminded me of how much better other people were than me, and always downplayed any success I had in life. If I bought something I really liked and was happy with it, she would put it down in some strange way. She never wanted me to have anything nice.
Compliments from my mother were rare. When I grew into a pretty teen, suddenly I was a whore who hung out with a john and other whores. I couldn't just be a pretty young girl who attracted some attention from boys and was out having coffee with my friends in coffee shops.
Whenever I did something of value, or accomplished something, she would always ask me if she should do somersaults for it. It was her way of saying "Big fucking deal. I'm not going to do somersaults because you accomplished something."
Nothing was ever good enough. She is in a home now with dementia, and I have forgiven her for the past, but I cannot forget her cruelty. That is something that will stay with me for the rest of my life.
Re: PMYABP AKA Narcissistic parenting August 11, 2015 | Registered: 9 years ago Posts: 951 |
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