For CF ladies - marriage advice needed

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mrs. chinaski
I told him that when he thinks that he is under pressure now, it’s nothing
against the pressure he will face when he has a chyld.
He will have even less time for himself and he will work till he drops dead.
Then he suddenly told me the exact opposite – there is no pressure at all,
it’s not that bad, everything is just fine, it’s all completely different with baybee.
It doesn’t make any sense to discuss with him anything.

Either he is in some kind of mental crisis or he is gaslighting - twisting things and using backwards logic to control the situation and shut you up. Of course you cannot argue with twisted logic, so then you cannot argue. He is acting like a small child, wanting what he wants and putting his fingers in his ears yelling "lalalalala" when you try to communicate sensibly. If he wants a loaf this badly that he has lost his mind and sense of any logic, or that he would emotionally abuse you this way it seems like a lost cause to even try to work on this. He obviously does not want to.

no sense in trying to argue with a breeder or a breeder-wannabe; they will continue to have baybees even though their marriage is a shambles, they have no money, no health insurance,no job, or they work 80 hours a week, etc. it's like a weird fog comes over them and even people who possessed common sense wind up with mush for brains. it seems like your husband has turned in to a breeder-wannabe (like a pod person?) and he won't change. even if he shelves the baby talk for now it will come back to haunt you.

sadly I also think you need to get out and don't look back. i'm sorry.

Sounds like an impasse. He's going to be an asshole until he gets a baby, you're not having a baby, therefore, he will be an asshole forever. I say let him go find someone to breed with.

"He's going to be an asshole until he gets a baby, you're not having a baby, therefore, he will be an asshole forever."
->I think it's not only about a baybee anymore. A part of it is "do as I say" kind of thing.
He is permanently dissatisfied with everything. His focus is on the baybeh for now because it's a thing he doesn't and
cannot have (from me).
I am convinced that even if I got inpig (which I won't because I am CF and intend to stay that way forever!)
he would be happy for like one minute and then find something else he can be dissatisfied with.

There are people out there who never appreciate anything what they have and only focus on what they don't have.

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mrs. chinaski
"He's going to be an asshole until he gets a baby, you're not having a baby, therefore, he will be an asshole forever."
->I think it's not only about a baybee anymore. A part of it is "do as I say" kind of thing.
He is permanently dissatisfied with everything. His focus is on the baybeh for now because it's a thing he doesn't and
cannot have (from me).
I am convinced that even if I got inpig (which I won't because I am CF and intend to stay that way forever!)
he would be happy for like one minute and then find something else he can be dissatisfied with.

There are people out there who never appreciate anything what they have and only focus on what they don't have.

I think you are absolutely right. You could cave in, breed, and give him a baybee, and then he will only complain about something else, or maybe even the loaf. I'm so glad you are sticking to your CF guns!

Your husband sounds like a bit of a jerk, if I may say so.

(A little tough love here)..... There are over 7 billion people in this world, half are men. If your going to be with a jerk, at least pick a cf jerk. A wannabreex jerk? Not uh, you have too many options for that bs. If you caved chances are you'd be a single mom, or at least all the childcare cuz its "women's work"

Been following this thread for a bit, and mrs. chinaski I was reaching the same conclusion: this isn't about a baby, it's about convincing you of something about winning. He sounds disrespectful to say the very, very least.

Continuing planning your escape, because people like this don't spontaneously change.

It takes being dumped/passed over for a promotion/avoided by friends/etc many, many times before they realize their character is the common denominator in all this. They basically have to cause themselves massive social and career problems via their actions over and over before admitting it just might be their problem and not others'. And even then, many of them don't change at all because they find a group of like-minded people to cocoon up with (like your spouse's MRA co-workers).

Save up a nest egg, lawyer up, and see if you can get out of there with minimal damage.

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mrs. chinaski
He is permanently dissatisfied with everything. His focus is on the baybeh for now because it's a thing he doesn't and
cannot have (from me).
I am convinced that even if I got inpig (which I won't because I am CF and intend to stay that way forever!)
he would be happy for like one minute and then find something else he can be dissatisfied with.

There are people out there who never appreciate anything what they have and only focus on what they don't have.

Yikes Mrs. Chinaski. You deserve better. And I can guarantee you him having a baybeh is going to make him long for the days when he was with you.

Hey how is it going? Hope it is getting better for you.

Thanks.

I talked to DH.
We had several discussions.

He calmed down.
He doesn't want any councelling and any trial separation.
I think it is some kind of midlife crisis connected to the "stagnation"
(-> link posted by thom_c).

All in all, he should be careful.
I am sure that this kind of behaviour over a longer
period of time can kill any kind of relationship.

Good. Aren't you glad to be CF? No brats to have to consider, lol.

______________________________________________________
Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.

Evan Davis

I haven't seen one situation in life children would make better or easier.

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mrs. chinaski


I haven't seen one situation in life children would make better or easier.

Needing an organ transplant from a close relative?

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yurble

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mrs. chinaski


I haven't seen one situation in life children would make better or easier.

Needing an organ transplant from a close relative?

They wouldn't dare ask the kid or its parents. They'd demand the CF relative hand over their organs, since as people they had no value if they didn't breed.

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Peace

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yurble

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mrs. chinaski


I haven't seen one situation in life children would make better or easier.

Needing an organ transplant from a close relative?

They wouldn't dare ask the kid or its parents. They'd demand the CF relative hand over their organs, since as people they had no value if they didn't breed.

Yeah, but if I needed some bone marrow or something, and I had a kid, I'd think: Hey! Handy supply right there!

One of the many reasons I don't have kids

This idea never occured to me.
Now I see children in a different light!
# grow your own supply of...

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mrs. chinaski
This idea never occured to me.
Now I see children in a different light!
# grow your own supply of...

Children have always been that. Grow your own supply of meaning, ego gratification, attention, security, etc.

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happyhiker

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mrs. chinaski
This idea never occured to me.
Now I see children in a different light!
# grow your own supply of...

Children have always been that. Grow your own supply of meaning, ego gratification, attention, security, etc.

Which reminds me of the parable of the grasshopper and the ant. That is what breeders wish and hope will happen, but they are desperately afraid it will not. That leads them to make dire predictions about a future of us dying alone and miserable. They're afraid they won't be rewarded for the drudgery of child-rearing and we won't be punished for skipping it.

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mrs. chinaski


I haven't seen one situation in life children would make better or easier.

Free help on the farm. The Old Order Amish up here have a ton of children who milk cows, clean the house and barn, feed the calves, etc.

They're also cute, well behaved, and innocent esp when compared to *"English" children.


(*That's what the Amish call us. Apologies to any Amish members here.)

______________________________________________________
Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.

Evan Davis

I hate to say it, but I would call his bluff. If he doesn't want you any more and wants to live out the mid-life crisis dream of many men and boink little girls, you are not interested in his pedophillia fetish.

The reason MRAs like little girls (barely legal or not) is because they have no experience, so they'll think that whatever they get from him is gold. By 30, you won't put up with that bullshit (one would hope) and so it will forever be his quest to find someone younger and more stupid. That's how MRAs satisfy their need to be worshiped. They prey on little girls and the only draw is their stupidity.

If your DH is honestly wanting to have all of these allegedly available women who are just begging to bounce on his cock, then I say let him pay you a sizeable alimony and then be rid of him. You don't need that garbage in your life. He can either pay you an alimony and divorce or he can face reality and see that there are no "better" women out there, just dumber ones. If that's the lifestyle he wants, he WILL eventually lead that life and that WILL lead to some bimbo "oops"ing him into breeding, and that is a mess you do NOT want to deal with.

I would like to update "my" thread.

I hired a marriage councelor. Me and DH had separate sessions with her.
Marriage councelor told me that this is all wrong and that my husband doesn't respect me.
She said I should find a job and then let's see how the situation will develop.
She told DH that if he wants the baybee that badly that he should find a new womban and start a family with her.
She also said that she isn't sure if he has a real chyld wish and that he wants a baybee for the wrong reasons.

I found a job in my home country - it was a coincidence, temp agency forwarded my CV to some subsidiary.
I moved away from my DH. Firstly he said, he will leave me alone. He said that I need to get some success
in professional life as I actually didn't work and missed that phase. He was sure that when I work for 1-2
years I will go through that phase, change and will want a baybee because all colleagues will also have baybees.

Then he *changed his mind* - he gave me an ultimatum - either I will come back and we will have a baybee or divorce.
So divorce it s.

I am still married, not even legally separated but the whole thing is in the prep phase.

Good for you for sticking with what you know is best for you. Separations are rough even under circumstances like this, where you can see that your partner is being abusive. Stay strong, in a few years you will be happier from knowing you made the right choices.

And I'm glad there are counselors out there who have some sense and you met one didn't urge you to "work things out," when your DH didn't have the right attitude.

And good for you for sticking to your guns and not breeding when you didn't want to. And congrats on the new job. You'll find it a lot easier to deal with him when you don't live with him.

Sounds as if life is looking up for you.

Thanks.

My life is not ideal of course but I am much happier than I was before. I had to deal with PA, dissatisfaction
and hostility (husband, in-laws) on daily basis. I came to the point where it was unbearable to me, I just
couldn't stand it anymore.
Now I live alone - I go home from work and there is only peace and quiet.
Since I am here, nobody has attacked me for my lifestyle choices.
Only a doc (medical check for work) asked me three times in disbelief:
"You REALLY have no chyldrun???" But that was it.

The councelor was/is great. She is a mother of 3 but she is very open-minded person.
She told me that she believes that I really don't want chyldrun and won't change my mind.
She was of the opinion that I will never regret it.
The councelor was quite disgusted by my husband - by his opinions, attitude etc.

DH is being difficult - it is because of money (separation of assets, etc.).

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mrs. chinaski
DH is being difficult - it is because of money (separation of assets, etc.).

Make sure you get your share, since you gave up your career to move to another country for him. Being in a different country than he is means you need to find a good advocate where he is, since you cannot always be there yourself.