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Classic rant about children by Debbie Goad in ANSWER Me!, 1992 (long)
Posted by k-man
k-man
Classic rant about children by Debbie Goad in ANSWER Me!, 1992 (long) March 27, 2009 |
Gang, upon rereading some of the stuff in my countercultural collection, I stumbled across this forgotten rant against children. Note how she touches upon many of the topics we mention here about kyds and moos—and this was written nearly 20 years ago! Words in ALL CAPITALS were that way in the original.
She and her husband Jim published four issues of the famous zine ANSWER Me! in the early to mid-1990s. (Jim later became famous for his book Redneck Manifesto.) They later amicably split, and the last I heard some years back, she had been stricken with cancer. Hope all is well with her today. To repeat, what's uncanny is that she said then the same things we say here now. I had to rekey this, but the work was well worth it. I did not edit or change anything. Enjoy.
The original is copyrighted by the Goads, 1992.
BABIES ARE DIRTY
Debbie Goad
ANSWER Me! No. 1, 1992, pp. 22–23
Babies Are Dirty. Babies Are Disgusting.
I hate babies. I hate when people ask me if I have children. When I hear someone say the word “baby,†I cringe. When I see a newborn, I feel nauseous. Pregnant women are ugly. The words “baby,†“child,†and “toddler†are dirty words. They don’t exist in my vocabulary. I’ve coined a synonym with which I feel comfortable: CREATURE. (The author shall refer to children as “creatures†throughout this piece.)
Mothers hold their creatures as if it’s their TROPHY. They smile like I should approve. I DON’T. These women are so proud. SomeTHING came out of them. The creature stares blankly into space.
Don’t be smug. Giving birth is no accomplishment. You’ve spread your legs; the wad’s been shot. The “moms†(another disgusting word) that I know don’t want a full-time job in the work force. According to census listings, most mothers ONLY have a high-school diploma. [1] Among women who haven’t finished high school, 73% choose to get pregnant. [2] Writing samples reveal that they are illiterate. I’m here to educate you.
A pregnant female DOES look like she’s SWALLOWED a watermelon. Breast-feeding’s even worse. It’s just so UNNATURAL!
I never wanted a Cabbage Patch doll. I never had the urge, the craving, the burning desire to be a mother. As a youngster playing with Barbie and Ken DOLLS, I created ROMANTIC, not FAMILY, situations. I never imagined Barbie “in the family way.†I dreamed of my knight in shining armor. We’d live happily ever after. My dream came true. We are lovers, not BREEDERS. We are best friends, not somebody’s parents. Creatures are NOT INCLUDED.
There is no TRUTH to the concept of the “biological CLOCK.†I’m a thirty-seven-year-old happily married woman. I have no CLOCK ticking inside me. The biological CLOCK is a myth created by society in order to keep the labor cheap and the money circulating. Professionals push the myth. Doctors are surprised when I tell them that I don’t want offspring. They say, “You’ll change your mind when you turn forty.†It sucks that people are shocked, that something so TRIVIAL is considered out-of-the-norm.
By age forty-five, ONLY ONE out of TEN married women is CREATURELESS. [3] The average person THINKS it’s normal to get married and have creatures. This labels you a grown-up. Majority opinion dictates that it’s the natural order of things and a quick way to fill the family photo album. AIDS scared singles into settling down and squeezing them out. Girlfriends bear creatures around the same time as each other, comparing notes. It’s TRENDY.
Later they BLEND IN with friends and relatives. Creatures bring people TOGETHER. No more PEER PRESSURE. Creatures are brought to office parties. Secretaries fawn over them. Isn’t it cute? NO! Kittens and puppies are cute. And quieter and cleaner.
Watch the way that adults TALK to a creature. They’re RELIVING THEIR CHILDHOODS. Goo goo, go go. Talk like this soothes people. All’s right with the world. But NOT everybody loves creatures.
Yes, a heterosexual woman CAN actually think these THINGS are dirty, ugly, disgusting CRETINS. A newborn is the MOST unsettling sight you could put before me. It’s a miniature monster equipped with wrinkled skin, scrunched-up features, and a foul, detergent smell. I’d NEVER, ever touch one. Support its head? I’d gladly drop it and walk away.
GET IT AWAY FROM ME!!! I won’t hold it. I pretend that it does not exist. “You’ve got to have at least one,†a co-worker once instructed me. My reality doesn’t include it. I’m pleased to say that my womb is BARREN. By the way I act, I make mothers feel like they did something wrong. But they DID something wrong. They had a creature. And they have become BORING as shit!
I don’t respect FATHERS, either. The idea of a man wearing a papoose or pushing a creature carriage is NOT flattering. Such men are effeminate and worse than mothers. “Daddy†supports not only IT, but a stupid wife who stays at home. What SUCKERS!
BOREDOM in marriage leads to the creation of creatures. The people I know who have creatures are NOT happy. The husband and wife focus on their neutral THIRD party. They hide their feelings and put up a happy front for the creature’s sake. The ROMANCE IS GONE, and they channel their thoughts, their conversation, their time, their BEING toward the new being. The creature’s the only THING keeping the marriage together.
People talk about the “joys of childbirth.†Don’t they realize that childbirth has KILLED women? Half a million females in the world die from pregnancy-related causes each year. [4]
What’s worse, you can’t walk around your apartment nude if you have a creature. You’re a prisoner taking care of it. You’ve got to shell out LOTS of bucks to have it tended to. The cose of raising it from birth to age eighteen is at least a hundred thousand dollars. [5] You have to instill morals into it. You have to clean its shit, feed it, clothe it, bathe it, brush its hair, take it to the doctor and dentist, enroll it in school, buy it toys, and make sure it gets home on time. I have ENOUGH chores. I don’t need EXTRA laundry. I have no desire to have my sleep interrupted by the sound of a crying creature. I refuse to hear the “patter of little feet.†Creatures AGE you. Creatures STRANGLE mental freedom. Creatures CHAIN you to your home. I like to relax, massage my feet, and hear myself think. I didn’t go to college to change diapers. Without creatures, I can TRAVEL a lot. Creature-free, I have LESS luggage.
But the airport’s crowded with people, all owning lots of creatures. Why do they do it? It’s not a “maternal instinct.†Many people want a MINIATURE VERSION OF THEMSELVES. It’s an EGO TRIP. They think Junior will be cute. They have an heir. A part of them is here for posterity. The family name lives on. Their stuff won’t go to the state when they die.
Eleven-and-a-half thousand creatures are hatched every day in the United States. [6] A new creature opens its eyes every seven seconds in this country. TV commercials tell you to recycle trash and not to smoke cigarettes, but you won’t see OVERPOPULATION warnings. My blood pressure drops when less people are around. But there are creatures everywhere and plenty more on the way. Women who can’t afford them get KNOCKED UP and call it an “ACCIDENT.†The TAXPAYERS’ money buys them oatmeal and diapers. Having creatures is a FAD which is not going out of style. Aren’t the freeways CROWDED enough? Abortion should not only be free, it should be MANDATORY.
There’s NOTHING CREATIVE about procreation, girls. Relish your menstrual cycle. Around my house, my period is cause for celebration. Used TAMPONS can decorate Christmas trees or be worn as earrings—such a cheaper fashion accessory than a creature. Parenting WON’T make you an individual. Remember my ANTI-creature feature the next time you hear one SCREAMING. Pregnancy is THE AMERICAN NIGHTMARE.
Footnotes:
[1], [2]: Population Reference Bureau, Washington, D.C.
[3], [5]: Office of Population Research, Princeton University.
[4]: Calypso Log (a publication of the Cousteau Society), 2/91.
[6]: National Center for Health Statistics (Statistics Resource Branch), Washington, D.C.
She and her husband Jim published four issues of the famous zine ANSWER Me! in the early to mid-1990s. (Jim later became famous for his book Redneck Manifesto.) They later amicably split, and the last I heard some years back, she had been stricken with cancer. Hope all is well with her today. To repeat, what's uncanny is that she said then the same things we say here now. I had to rekey this, but the work was well worth it. I did not edit or change anything. Enjoy.
The original is copyrighted by the Goads, 1992.
BABIES ARE DIRTY
Debbie Goad
ANSWER Me! No. 1, 1992, pp. 22–23
Babies Are Dirty. Babies Are Disgusting.
I hate babies. I hate when people ask me if I have children. When I hear someone say the word “baby,†I cringe. When I see a newborn, I feel nauseous. Pregnant women are ugly. The words “baby,†“child,†and “toddler†are dirty words. They don’t exist in my vocabulary. I’ve coined a synonym with which I feel comfortable: CREATURE. (The author shall refer to children as “creatures†throughout this piece.)
Mothers hold their creatures as if it’s their TROPHY. They smile like I should approve. I DON’T. These women are so proud. SomeTHING came out of them. The creature stares blankly into space.
Don’t be smug. Giving birth is no accomplishment. You’ve spread your legs; the wad’s been shot. The “moms†(another disgusting word) that I know don’t want a full-time job in the work force. According to census listings, most mothers ONLY have a high-school diploma. [1] Among women who haven’t finished high school, 73% choose to get pregnant. [2] Writing samples reveal that they are illiterate. I’m here to educate you.
A pregnant female DOES look like she’s SWALLOWED a watermelon. Breast-feeding’s even worse. It’s just so UNNATURAL!
I never wanted a Cabbage Patch doll. I never had the urge, the craving, the burning desire to be a mother. As a youngster playing with Barbie and Ken DOLLS, I created ROMANTIC, not FAMILY, situations. I never imagined Barbie “in the family way.†I dreamed of my knight in shining armor. We’d live happily ever after. My dream came true. We are lovers, not BREEDERS. We are best friends, not somebody’s parents. Creatures are NOT INCLUDED.
There is no TRUTH to the concept of the “biological CLOCK.†I’m a thirty-seven-year-old happily married woman. I have no CLOCK ticking inside me. The biological CLOCK is a myth created by society in order to keep the labor cheap and the money circulating. Professionals push the myth. Doctors are surprised when I tell them that I don’t want offspring. They say, “You’ll change your mind when you turn forty.†It sucks that people are shocked, that something so TRIVIAL is considered out-of-the-norm.
By age forty-five, ONLY ONE out of TEN married women is CREATURELESS. [3] The average person THINKS it’s normal to get married and have creatures. This labels you a grown-up. Majority opinion dictates that it’s the natural order of things and a quick way to fill the family photo album. AIDS scared singles into settling down and squeezing them out. Girlfriends bear creatures around the same time as each other, comparing notes. It’s TRENDY.
Later they BLEND IN with friends and relatives. Creatures bring people TOGETHER. No more PEER PRESSURE. Creatures are brought to office parties. Secretaries fawn over them. Isn’t it cute? NO! Kittens and puppies are cute. And quieter and cleaner.
Watch the way that adults TALK to a creature. They’re RELIVING THEIR CHILDHOODS. Goo goo, go go. Talk like this soothes people. All’s right with the world. But NOT everybody loves creatures.
Yes, a heterosexual woman CAN actually think these THINGS are dirty, ugly, disgusting CRETINS. A newborn is the MOST unsettling sight you could put before me. It’s a miniature monster equipped with wrinkled skin, scrunched-up features, and a foul, detergent smell. I’d NEVER, ever touch one. Support its head? I’d gladly drop it and walk away.
GET IT AWAY FROM ME!!! I won’t hold it. I pretend that it does not exist. “You’ve got to have at least one,†a co-worker once instructed me. My reality doesn’t include it. I’m pleased to say that my womb is BARREN. By the way I act, I make mothers feel like they did something wrong. But they DID something wrong. They had a creature. And they have become BORING as shit!
I don’t respect FATHERS, either. The idea of a man wearing a papoose or pushing a creature carriage is NOT flattering. Such men are effeminate and worse than mothers. “Daddy†supports not only IT, but a stupid wife who stays at home. What SUCKERS!
BOREDOM in marriage leads to the creation of creatures. The people I know who have creatures are NOT happy. The husband and wife focus on their neutral THIRD party. They hide their feelings and put up a happy front for the creature’s sake. The ROMANCE IS GONE, and they channel their thoughts, their conversation, their time, their BEING toward the new being. The creature’s the only THING keeping the marriage together.
People talk about the “joys of childbirth.†Don’t they realize that childbirth has KILLED women? Half a million females in the world die from pregnancy-related causes each year. [4]
What’s worse, you can’t walk around your apartment nude if you have a creature. You’re a prisoner taking care of it. You’ve got to shell out LOTS of bucks to have it tended to. The cose of raising it from birth to age eighteen is at least a hundred thousand dollars. [5] You have to instill morals into it. You have to clean its shit, feed it, clothe it, bathe it, brush its hair, take it to the doctor and dentist, enroll it in school, buy it toys, and make sure it gets home on time. I have ENOUGH chores. I don’t need EXTRA laundry. I have no desire to have my sleep interrupted by the sound of a crying creature. I refuse to hear the “patter of little feet.†Creatures AGE you. Creatures STRANGLE mental freedom. Creatures CHAIN you to your home. I like to relax, massage my feet, and hear myself think. I didn’t go to college to change diapers. Without creatures, I can TRAVEL a lot. Creature-free, I have LESS luggage.
But the airport’s crowded with people, all owning lots of creatures. Why do they do it? It’s not a “maternal instinct.†Many people want a MINIATURE VERSION OF THEMSELVES. It’s an EGO TRIP. They think Junior will be cute. They have an heir. A part of them is here for posterity. The family name lives on. Their stuff won’t go to the state when they die.
Eleven-and-a-half thousand creatures are hatched every day in the United States. [6] A new creature opens its eyes every seven seconds in this country. TV commercials tell you to recycle trash and not to smoke cigarettes, but you won’t see OVERPOPULATION warnings. My blood pressure drops when less people are around. But there are creatures everywhere and plenty more on the way. Women who can’t afford them get KNOCKED UP and call it an “ACCIDENT.†The TAXPAYERS’ money buys them oatmeal and diapers. Having creatures is a FAD which is not going out of style. Aren’t the freeways CROWDED enough? Abortion should not only be free, it should be MANDATORY.
There’s NOTHING CREATIVE about procreation, girls. Relish your menstrual cycle. Around my house, my period is cause for celebration. Used TAMPONS can decorate Christmas trees or be worn as earrings—such a cheaper fashion accessory than a creature. Parenting WON’T make you an individual. Remember my ANTI-creature feature the next time you hear one SCREAMING. Pregnancy is THE AMERICAN NIGHTMARE.
Footnotes:
[1], [2]: Population Reference Bureau, Washington, D.C.
[3], [5]: Office of Population Research, Princeton University.
[4]: Calypso Log (a publication of the Cousteau Society), 2/91.
[6]: National Center for Health Statistics (Statistics Resource Branch), Washington, D.C.
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Re: Classic rant about children by Debbie Goad in ANSWER Me!, 1992 (long) March 27, 2009 | Registered: 17 years ago Posts: 3,897 |
Anonymous User
Re: Classic rant about children by Debbie Goad in ANSWER Me!, 1992 (long) March 27, 2009 |
k-man
Re: Classic rant about children by Debbie Goad in ANSWER Me!, 1992 (long) March 27, 2009 |
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Re: Classic rant about children by Debbie Goad in ANSWER Me!, 1992 (long) March 27, 2009 | Registered: 15 years ago Posts: 4,532 |
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Re: Classic rant about children by Debbie Goad in ANSWER Me!, 1992 (long) March 27, 2009 | Registered: 17 years ago Posts: 3,073 |
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Re: Classic rant about children by Debbie Goad in ANSWER Me!, 1992 (long) March 27, 2009 | Registered: 15 years ago Posts: 3,842 |
Right up there with ellen pecks 'the baby trap'.
two cents ¢¢
CERTIFIED HOSEHEAD!!!
people (especially women) do not give ONE DAMN about what they inflict on children and I defy anyone to prove me wrong
Dysfunctional relationships almost always have a child. The more dysfunctional, the more children.
The selfish wants of adults outweigh the needs of the child.
Some mistakes cannot be fixed, but some mistakes can be 'fixed'.
People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. Leo J. Burke
Adoption agencies have strict criteria (usually). Breeders, whose combined IQ's would barely hit triple digits, have none.
two cents ¢¢
CERTIFIED HOSEHEAD!!!
people (especially women) do not give ONE DAMN about what they inflict on children and I defy anyone to prove me wrong
Dysfunctional relationships almost always have a child. The more dysfunctional, the more children.
The selfish wants of adults outweigh the needs of the child.
Some mistakes cannot be fixed, but some mistakes can be 'fixed'.
People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. Leo J. Burke
Adoption agencies have strict criteria (usually). Breeders, whose combined IQ's would barely hit triple digits, have none.
|
Re: Classic rant about children by Debbie Goad in ANSWER Me!, 1992 (long) March 27, 2009 | Registered: 15 years ago Posts: 4,532 |
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Re: Classic rant about children by Debbie Goad in ANSWER Me!, 1992 (long) March 27, 2009 | Registered: 15 years ago Posts: 1,431 |
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Re: Classic rant about children by Debbie Goad in ANSWER Me!, 1992 (long) March 27, 2009 | Registered: 15 years ago Posts: 1,269 |
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Re: Classic rant about children by Debbie Goad in ANSWER Me!, 1992 (long) March 27, 2009 | Registered: 15 years ago Posts: 2,219 |
Gigabyte
Re: Classic rant about children by Debbie Goad in ANSWER Me!, 1992 (long) March 27, 2009 |
This old myth story is ALL TRUE and I LOVE IT ALL THE WAY!.
The masterpiece of the CF community.
Creatures - LOL!
2 cents wrote:
"Right up there with ellen pecks 'the baby trap'."
This 2cents is as known as 'Oopsing'
This is an excellent part:
"Mothers hold their creatures as if it’s their TROPHY."
If it is an older moo we call it Trophy and it is a teen-moo we call it Fuck Trophy.
Thanks k-man I have copy and paste the notes on to my Word Document and print it out.
The masterpiece of the CF community.
Creatures - LOL!
2 cents wrote:
"Right up there with ellen pecks 'the baby trap'."
This 2cents is as known as 'Oopsing'
This is an excellent part:
"Mothers hold their creatures as if it’s their TROPHY."
If it is an older moo we call it Trophy and it is a teen-moo we call it Fuck Trophy.
Thanks k-man I have copy and paste the notes on to my Word Document and print it out.
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Re: Classic rant about children by Debbie Goad in ANSWER Me!, 1992 (long) March 27, 2009 | Registered: 19 years ago Posts: 9,199 |
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Re: Classic rant about children by Debbie Goad in ANSWER Me!, 1992 (long) March 27, 2009 | Registered: 15 years ago Posts: 559 |
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Re: Classic rant about children by Debbie Goad in ANSWER Me!, 1992 (long) March 28, 2009 | Registered: 15 years ago Posts: 3,842 |
I'm known as 'ooopsing??'
two cents ¢¢
CERTIFIED HOSEHEAD!!!
people (especially women) do not give ONE DAMN about what they inflict on children and I defy anyone to prove me wrong
Dysfunctional relationships almost always have a child. The more dysfunctional, the more children.
The selfish wants of adults outweigh the needs of the child.
Some mistakes cannot be fixed, but some mistakes can be 'fixed'.
People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. Leo J. Burke
Adoption agencies have strict criteria (usually). Breeders, whose combined IQ's would barely hit triple digits, have none.
two cents ¢¢
CERTIFIED HOSEHEAD!!!
people (especially women) do not give ONE DAMN about what they inflict on children and I defy anyone to prove me wrong
Dysfunctional relationships almost always have a child. The more dysfunctional, the more children.
The selfish wants of adults outweigh the needs of the child.
Some mistakes cannot be fixed, but some mistakes can be 'fixed'.
People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. Leo J. Burke
Adoption agencies have strict criteria (usually). Breeders, whose combined IQ's would barely hit triple digits, have none.
Gigabyte
Re: Classic rant about children by Debbie Goad in ANSWER Me!, 1992 (long) March 28, 2009 |
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