Childfree dating and why I hate it

Wow.

@blondie: I just had one of those moments of revelation. You're right. I never thought of it that way. You're totally right and I seriously never saw it that way. Thank you. Wow. Seriously. Thank you.

I had a similar thing like this with my therapist back in the 90's when I mentioned the behavior of my sperm donor toward our dog. (You really DON'T want to know.) and she literally said, "Um, you DO know that's REALLY fucked up, don't you?" I didn't, until she said it. I do that from time to time. I've lived SO long with SO much abuse, I don't always see it for what it is until someone else says something.

Thank your, sincerely, for your frank honesty. I always need that. I appreciate that so much!

@Techie: Mail order brides are still a BIG thing here. I know of at least 3 here from direct or indirect person I know. It's usually males who have the money, to basically BUY a woman to come be a slave/loaf-oven. They don't usually get any kind of education, are kept from bettering or enabling themselves, (no drivers license, no learning the language well) and kept at home to be a slave of the male in question. I (briefly) dated a dude, (who I ended up losing romantic interest in pretty fast, because he was somewhat lame and not willing to put for the effort to be worth my time) shortly after, he bought a virgin Asian bride (virgin costs extra). Right after the purchase he felt the need to ask me how to have sex with a virgin. Her English was almost non-existent. She's probably chained to his kitchen stove ATM. I stopped talking to him after that.

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bunny
@Techie: Mail order brides are still a BIG thing here. I know of at least 3 here from direct or indirect person I know. It's usually males who have the money, to basically BUY a woman to come be a slave/loaf-oven. They don't usually get any kind of education, are kept from bettering or enabling themselves, (no drivers license, no learning the language well) and kept at home to be a slave of the male in question. I (briefly) dated a dude, (who I ended up losing romantic interest in pretty fast, because he was somewhat lame and not willing to put for the effort to be worth my time) shortly after, he bought a virgin Asian bride (virgin costs extra). Right after the purchase he felt the need to ask me how to have sex with a virgin. Her English was almost non-existent. She's probably chained to his kitchen stove ATM. I stopped talking to him after that.

The woman that I was talking about in a very recent post was not a mail order bride. She speaks very good English and her and her forced birther both went to college together. I am unaware of any mail order brides around where I live, but I live in a big city and most men that I know will not drop the cash needed to "buy" one of those. Reality is, there are just way too many single women around that don't ask for much other than some companionship. This duh would have a hard time playing his sperm roulette with a local CF woman. So he found himself someone who he could brainwash.

The mail order brides that you are talking about, I have only heard about them in movies. In real life, most of them, they don't breed for the wallet, they take and waste his money, they divorce him as soon as they get their "green card". No offense, but a mail order bride, by far, is the worst financial sodomy that a male could call upon himself. I want to be specific here and say that 2 people from 2 different countries that met and found a lot in common, those are not "mail order brides". I live in a big city and there are people here from all over the world. Sometimes such people meet and they do well together, which, again, is different from mail order brides. What you were talking about, I really don't see any of that.

Abusers often start slow, and gradually escalate so that by the time they have presented the victim with a completely fucked up world view it seems normal. It can happen to pretty much anyone.

Once they are gone it's much easier to see the pattern for what it was.

@ yurble: I fully agree.

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yurble
Abusers often start slow, and gradually escalate so that by the time they have presented the victim with a completely fucked up world view it seems normal. It can happen to pretty much anyone.

Once they are gone it's much easier to see the pattern for what it was.

You are correct. They either start out slow or they wait until the person gets attached to them before they show true colors. All of the women that I know that were coerced into breeding, their SO's started out being ok with CF. It would be after she lost her job or her income, lost touch with her family, etc., that he would start pulling oopsies because he knows she has no place to go. I know a place where she could send her fist to - his balls - fucker.

Here is another thing. Most of these oopsers would be difficult to legally prosecute because there is no law on the books against oopsing. Most of them are not physically or verbally abusive, but they quietly ruin her life and her body.

I joined OK C!pid a few months ago.

I had a few dates with some decent guys, though nothing really panned out. Overall, the experience has been positive, but I got two nasty grams from a duh and a wannabreed about my CF status. I clearly stated on my profile that I do not have kids and don't want any. The wannabreed messaged me with "So if you met the perfect guy and he wanted kids, you'd dump him"? I wrote back and said that such a person would not be perfect for me. Duhhhhhh.

Also, for every thoughtful message, I have to delete about five that are like "hey", or "how r u", or "" and a picture of the dude's torso.

The other day, I was on the phone with a CF guy I used to date a few years back. We're just friends now. (He's a mutual friend of me and the noodler). He became very disillusioned with online dating and closed down his profile/profiles as he's been getting all sorts of nasty messages from single moos. They are completely offended that he doesn't want to supply sperm or be a wallet. These bints need the Butthurt Report Form that thom_c used to post every now and then.

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Yeah, Those jerks are not worth your time. Ignore/block them. The older you get, the less you will see of them. I haven't had one since 40.

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bunny
Meh. He's writing his own punishment. No actual harm was done. I'm pretty sure he's got brats now. I saw his FB and his photo is of him+brat, and I assume it's his. He didn't friend me though and the last chick he was with (probably the moo) was against him having ANY contact with me EVER again. We were friendly up until then. She's apparently some kind of obsessive catholic freak and thought I was a "bad influence" at the time. I wager that he's a prisoner to her womb by now.

I'm curious about something. Why were you friendly with the guy, after what he tried to pull?

It doesn't matter how nicey-nice he was, after you booted him; he had actively tried to ruin your life. By trying to oops you, after you let him know that you didn't want kids, he proved that he never thought of you as a human being. He never considered you a separate person, with your own thoughts, desires and rights. He just saw a nice piece of ass he was nailing, and a good little broodmare who would fall in line, after a little coaxing.

Had he succeeded, the guy wouldn't have given a toss about what you wanted for yourself. Your body would have been permanently damaged, you would have been stuck with spawn that would condemn you to poverty, and he would have been happy as a clam.

The guy proved to be a dishonourable asshole, who had zero respect for you, and you stayed friends with him?
Is this a pattern for you, that you tend to dismiss bad behaviour of others toward you, when you have no permanent injury to show as a consequence?

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" ... what's one more once you've already got two shedding on the couch?"

Wow.

Well, I think this has already been covered here, but I'll try to rephrase it for you.

Firstly, no actual harm was done, regardless of what could have happened, it didn't. I'm not going to hang on to the "could haves" and "would haves" my whole life. That's unhealthy. So if you want to call getting over it a "pattern", yes, I might have a pattern of not hanging on to every single thing that may have happened but never did. I try to limit my grudges to actualities and not possibilities.

Secondly, there is a difference between "nicey-nice" and being civil. Aside from what he did wrong in our relationship, after it was over and before he found his broodmare, he was decent enough to bail me out of a few bad situations I was in and be a decent friend. Since we we living together, having a "friendly" parting was definitely favorable. I was able to find a nice place to live, had plenty of time to move, all of our friends were able to feel comfortable around us without picking sides or choosing who to still like. We stayed in the same social circles without drama.

Thirdly, What on earth would you expect me to do? It's not like there was any legal recourse I could have taken that would have worked. I don't see any way that pitching a fit and freaking out would help. You're making it sound like you long for drama where there doesn't need to be any. Sure, I could have pitched a fit and lost my shit and dissolved all of my relations by acting like a complete bitch over something that never actually impacted me... but I fail to see how that would serve me at all. Not every slight is cause for war. I pick my battles very wisely. If I'm going to have drama in my life, there better be a damned good reason for it.

Finally, I've had exes that DID require a complete cut-off and the drama that flows with that, but those were situations where actual damage was done and MORE damages could be done were I not to do so. The choad in this situation tried something he shouldn't, learned why it was wrong and after the confrontation he did not try anything else. He was not a threat to me. I didn't need to create more issues for us both. Just the fact that I needed to find a new home, move all of my stuff, divide up "our stuff" etc etc etc was a pain in the butt. Why would I want to add drama on top of that? It all went smoothly and we were able to agree who kept what and be friends for a while. That's a good thing. Frankly, if we'd not stayed friends for the time we did, I would have been unable to get out of a few emergency situations that he helped me with. So, yeah, I'm quite glad that we were friends until the new girl showed up.

@Bunny - I can see where you are coming from. Sometimes even crap that was done to us, we have to part with it for our own sanity. More often than not, we can't turn back the clock and undo what happened to us.

Sometimes people do crap to us and they later realize that what they did was fucked up. If they come back to say that hey, that was a wrong thing to do and that it won't happen again, sometimes, we try to let it go, especially if the person knows they made a mistake.

I guess the precaution is that whatever happened in the past, we don't want it to repeat. It sounds like you have that covered and that is the main point here.

Thanks. I appreciate that.

Yes, I learned what I needed to learn from it, and thought it might serve as a cautionary tale for others.

It's just a tad irksome to have my handling of the situation called into question. It's somewhat demeaning.