Anyone here who chose not to be in a relationship?

Nothing wrong with being single. It's great! I'm only with my guy by some weird twist of fate because honest to gods I was perfectly happy and ready to become an old cat lady one day. Love dose kittehs!

See, sometimes it's the whole DATING thing that just sucks. I've never dated. Ever. I have to know a guy well, be friends with him without their being sexual pressure, sniff him out. Even then, i wasn't looking when I started to get to know my guy. We're just lucky it worked out so well.Maybe part of it is I'm an only child and he had much older sisters so was basically another only child, and we tend to be a LOT quieter and independent sometimes than people who were raised with siblings. (not always, but sometimes.)

Anyway, as long as you resolve to be happy and well within your own life, if somebody shows up, then they have to MEET you in that perfection - not destroy it or limit you. And being childfree, your life is going to be damned happy compared to most, anyway!

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loavesstillsuck
Anyway, as long as you resolve to be happy and well within your own life, if somebody shows up, then they have to MEET you in that perfection - not destroy it or limit you.

B-I-N-G-O-O-O!

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navi8orgirl
Kits, the older I get, the more I feel the same way. I have never been a "let's snuggle for hours after sex" person because I am too damn hot and need my space. I always have to sleep facing out. I pull away when I sleep, unless it is my tiny old pug girl, who loves to nestle as she chills easily. I like having my space. I like time that is mine. All too often I meet people who want to glom on too much too fast. Or they want to screw around with no commitment at all (as a disease phobe, me no likey. This is just as bad as having a kid sneeze on you in the grocery store IMO. Except it is usually several sneeze sources at once.)

I think I would get married if we could keep separate residences and just have conjugal visits. Frequently.

Yep, that would be ideal. Never been big on marriage either but I would love it if seperate residences was seen as a "normal" thing to do. I read an article recently about couples who do not live together and are in no hurry to do so, and already they are getting bingoed. One thing I did notice though is that all the couples featured had the eventual aim of living together. I'd quite happily never do that and keep a little space, and maybe a little mystery, forever! Or at least for a few years, if nothing else.

I absolutely choose not to be in a relationship if my only other option is to be with someone who is not right for me.

I happen to be with a man right now who makes me deliriously happy, but I'd rather be single than be with someone who didn't. I don't NEED another person in my life; he is there because he is right for me and because I WANT him there. I am happy enough being alone that I don't need to settle for less than what I want and need from a relationship.

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Banshee

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loavesstillsuck
Anyway, as long as you resolve to be happy and well within your own life, if somebody shows up, then they have to MEET you in that perfection - not destroy it or limit you.

B-I-N-G-O-O-O!

Most marriages suck (at least the ones I know do). A woman I know has never married, no kids by choice and lived a rockin single CF kind of life. She is 49 and now getting married. They live together but my instincts tell me things are not going to go well later on. He is older, rich and "protective". Like someone like her who has travelled and jumped off cliffs and bought and sold houses and fought off muggers on her own needs that. I know she is worried about money but it isn't worth it.

At the moment, I am not prepared (emotionally, mentally, financially, etc.) for a romantic relationship. Even when I become "ready" for a possible romantic relationship, I believe that I will still be indifferent to being in a romantic relationship. If I end up in one that is awesome, that'd be cool. If I end up by myself, that'd be cool, too. I'm extremely introverted and very independent, so being alone makes perfect sense to me.

If I were to be in a romantic relationship, it would be *very* hard for me to find someone: the person has to be 100% childfree (not "on the fence" or "unsure") and preferably with no adult children (not sure if this is a dealbreaker yet), not on any hardcore drugs, 100% okay with not having sex with me forever (I'd prefer an asexual person because I'm asexual), 100% accepts my boyish/androgynous style, very independent, not too "touchy-feely," not a fundamentalist (if spiritual at least open-minded and respectful of other people's beliefs or lack thereof), very quiet (i.e. doesn't make a lot of noise), self-aware, confident in him/herself, has good communication skills, shares some of my hobbies/interests, etc. This all knocks out the majority of people.

The only thing that helps me is the fact that I'm pan-romantic/pan-aesthetic and so I'm willing to be in a relationship with a wide variety of people of any sex/gender or look.

I would also want to live with the person (for companionship, financial, and safety reasons) and I would want separate beds (possibly separate bedrooms).

I don't think I would have a "normal" romantic relationship. We'd probably be like roommates. I think it would be cool to live with a person (or people, lol) I really connect with whether we have a close friendship or romantic relationship or whatever. However, if that were not possible, I'd be totally fine living by myself. Maybe with an animal or two. (Hurray for cat ladies! )

Banshee, I don't like the sexual politics that people have to deal with in romantic relationships and so I am thankful that as a celibate asexual I won't have to deal with that. I am sorry that your male "friends" treated you the way they did. I am on this asexual site called AVEN (GREAT site) and I read a lot of stories about "friends" of asexuals who try to make their relationship sexual. (You know, the whole "I'M the one who can change his/her mind" thought process) I hope to not have to deal with that. I plan to let people know upfront that I am asexual and celibate and that if they start any stuff with me, the relationship will be over.

And yes, there is nothing wrong with choosing to be single. People need to do what works for them. If that means being single, or being "friends with benefits," or being in a monogamous relationship, or being in polyamorous relationships, then that's all cool as long as everyone is consenting and communicating effectively. The world would be a better place if everyone was allowed to be themselves (provided they weren't hurting anyone) and NOT be judged.

I've had plenty of bad experiences going way back. One when I was 14, when I was caught with my boyfriend by his mother whom we didn't expect to get home. I never saw him again after that, with the rumor being he got shipped off to an all boys military boarding school, then my parents at the end of 8th grade, sent me to a fundie high school.

I was also later involved with a guy whom it turned out was sleeping with 2 other girls who both knew about each other and me and had no problem with it. I personally did, so I ended it. After that, it was the usual stuff in my 20s with guys just wanting to party and not much else. Fortunately, I never ran into any baby rabid men, but when I got into my 30s, they started thinking I was desperate, so they didn't have to treat me right. Those were all sent packing.

In my current situation, I get the companionship and the sex, but don't feel like I'm tied down or the like. The only thing we haven't done is stay the night at the others' place, since we live right next door to each other. He's a great person who like me, didn't like all the games, and in his case, the women who wanted kids because their clocks were running out.

As for the sex part, I enjoy cuddling and talking afterward, it's kind of nice. Last time we had sex a couple of weeks or so ago, we curled up together in the bed and he put in his DVDs of Fawlty Towers and we snuggled up to each other and watched that while naked under the covers, laughing ourselves silly. I'm not sure where this thing we have is going to ultimately go, but I'm going to enjoy it as long as I can.

We may get together again this weekend, since it's the condo Christmas party and the winners of the decorating contest are going to be announced. We never win, but we do enjoy decorating every year. Maybe I'll have him at my place for eggnog and a little fun:sx

Companionship is nice, but if I have to be alone, I can handle that too.

Donna Four Eleven

I have yet to find someone who's more interesting then my Nintendo DSi.

I have chosen to remain unmarried, and I hear bingos about that a lot (not necessarily directed toward me, usually people ignorantly criticizing someone else in my hearing). The most common are that if you don't marry someone, you're not really committed to them, and that if you find the "right one", you'll want to marry them (sounds a lot like if you find the right one, you'll want to have a baby with them). Marrying someone obviously doesn't prove that you're committed to them... but more importantly, why should that level of commitment be considered a good thing?

I used to be so naive to believe that if someone got married, it meant they were truly committed to their partner. Then married guys started hitting on me as I aged and my peers aged. That changed my mind about marriage forever. Now instead of assuming that married guys are so into their wives that they are happy to be with one woman their whole lives, I believe they are just as likely to be cheaters. These cheating guys make up reasons in their minds why it's OK to cheat. Like their wife isn't giving them enough sex. I doubt they analyze their role in the situation and ask what have they done to make their wives cut them off from sex.

It's so strange... I never thought that I would EVER be married. When I was younger, in my upper teens all the way through my upper 30's, I didn't want any part of marriage. So I lived alone; bought a condo, worked a normal job, had my great weekends to party & enjoy, my birds, and I can honestly say I was TRULY happy! I had no problem being coined a "spinster" or "old maid." I didn't care - I was not worried about ever getting married; I never EVER wanted kids, so that was a moot point. Then in my late, late 30's - I was 38, I met dh. It was a whirlwind romance and I will openly admit that we got married too quickly after a brief courtship of 7 months. In hindsight, I realize that 7 months is not really long enough to be together and get married, but we did.

That all being said, my thoughts are like this... after being unmarried and "playing the field" for most of my adult life, I got accustomed to single living. I had a boyfriend who lived with me temporarily when I had my condo, but he was not fully moved in and never did completely MOVE IN. Even then, it was a little rough for me having another human being living with me... little messy habits, having to share a bed, bathroom, etc., was not ideal for me. But we did get along in the relationship, however, it didn't work out and we parted ways, still friends. Again, I found myself single, yet really, really happy and content. Living alone, for some, is difficult - some people just get lonely. I guess I am in that OTHER category whereas I can find ways to entertain myself and honestly, I enjoy my own company. Now that I'm married, and perhaps it's because dh's attitude, I am short-fused. I'm used to making and cleaning up my own mess immediately. I'm used to being able to take a shower without another person barging into the bathroom (his attitude is that "It's okay because we're MARRIED") which I find to be very annoying - I enjoy my 20 minutes in the bathroom. Twenty full minutes in a full, 24-hour day is not much to ask, is it? Then there's the "what's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine because we're MARRIED" attitude. And the clothes on the floor, draped over the dining room chairs, unmade bed (last one out of bed is supposed to set it, and he's always last out of bed), sticky countertops, spills... men messes. Unless maybe it's just MY dh who is such a slob, but I think that as a general rule, most men are slobs.

So I am openly admitting that I miss being single. In the grand scheme of things, I've basically gone majority of my life single, so that's what I am used to and perhaps it's why I find it difficult to adjust to being married, even after 5 years of it.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with being single. People who think that they absolutely MUST follow "Life's Script" and have lived single for majority of their lives should REALLY think about how much changes when they decide to pair up with another person.

Just my little two cents opinion, for what it's worth.

I would put a lock on the bathroom door. I lock my bathroom door, and I live ALONE. (Odd thing: when I DON'T lock the bathroom door, my [former-boy-]cat comes barging on in.) If it were a human barging in, there would be blood. I am old and ornery and possessed of very strict ideas regarding personal space, and if anyone-- that is to say ANYONE-- came booming on in mouthing patronizing platitudes about being related/a roommate/a spouse/God Himself, something body-sized would soon be keeping company with the three leftover company turkeys in the ancient chest freezer in my basement.

At the risk of being flamed... it sounds almost as if you've been oopsed, Labwoman. Only here, the man and the kyd are all rolled into one....

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Nemo
At the risk of being flamed... it sounds almost as if you've been oopsed, Labwoman. Only here, the man and the kyd are all rolled into one....

I agree with you Nemo.

I've never wanted to get married; personally, I think it's a pointless waste of time and money just to turn a romantic relationship into a legal one. I just never saw the allure of marriage, especially after seeing so many people either divorce or being miserably married. Hell, I probably would never even want to live with a significant other - I don't want underwear and piles of pop cans thrown all over my room. While I wouldn't mind a roommate (I'd likely need one to afford to live), I would still likely prefer living on my own. Thing is that the guy I'm with does want to get married and co-habit eventually, so I'm sure me telling him I want neither of those things will go over swell. Especially combined with his desire to have kids and my desire to get sterilized.
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Honestly, I think a friends with benefits kind of thing can be a great way to live. You've got a good, close friend who you trust enough to have sex with, but without the attached, romantic BS. Honestly, I do think a person's "soul mate" could easily be a friend. You know, a best friend who may also not have an interest in a romantic pursuit, but who you're in the company of a lot. That's just me, though.
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And as far as dating, I have never once sought someone out. I have some kind of crazy intuitive love-dar where I crush on someone, but don't ever tell them, and then they admit to me they care for me. This has happened about half a dozen times, and all the guys are/were friends of mine. One of them was an emotional vampire to the nth degree who just wanted sex, so I severed contact with him a few years ago, but the rest are still part of my life. What the hell is so charming about me, I'll never know - if I was seeking a mate, I wouldn't be able to find one, but dammit I look for friends and I steal their hearts without trying. Blargh. But the really true friends I make often remain friends for a long, long time despite any crushes going on.

I like the friends with benefits idea. I couldn't live with a significant other as well. I want to live alone.

I'm with someone now, but if I was/were single, it wouldn't be the end of the world. I'm a loner by nature, and so is my SO. Were not always right by each other, as we are both under the same roof. We are both gamers, night owls, etc.

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lab mom

It is funny...I have a parade of Pugs following me into the bathroom and it does not bother me at all. A human barging in while I am on the can would make me homicidal in short order though.

Kitteh can sit on the couch on top of me, but I feel claustrophobic when a human wants to glom on. Maybe this is why I never really wanted kids.

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From a bottle cap message on a Magic Hat #9 beer: Condoms Prevent Minivans
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I want to pick up a bus full of unruly kids and feed them gummi bears and crack, then turn them loose in Hobby Lobby to ransack the place. They will all be wearing T shirts that say "You Could Have Prevented This."

Hate to be blunt and cynical, but "friends with benefits" sounds a bit like prostitution for free.

Sorry to say this, but I'm the kind of person who simply refuses to open my legs to anyone for any reason at all. And laying naked right next to a hot, sweaty naked human body with that damp baybee-causing organ would almost be like rape to me.:redface And condoms creep me out, too.

I have my own fantasies, of course.

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Banshee
Hate to be blunt and cynical, but "friends with benefits" sounds a bit like prostitution for free.

If both parties are gaining sexual satisfaction out of it, and no money is exchanged, where is the prostitution? Or is the implication that of course only one of the partners is gaining sexual satisfaction out of it, and the other person would naturally want a more committed relationship, or wouldn't be doing it at all, given the choice?

I can understand if you aren't into that, but I don't see the leap from you not wanting that to it being prostitution if people who do enjoy it engage in it.

It's just yet another of the many different ways people can interact with one another, if they choose. It's no more wrong or right than any other sort of voluntary interaction (or lack of interaction).

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yurble

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Banshee
Hate to be blunt and cynical, but "friends with benefits" sounds a bit like prostitution for free.

If both parties are gaining sexual satisfaction out of it, and no money is exchanged, where is the prostitution? Or is the implication that of course only one of the partners is gaining sexual satisfaction out of it, and the other person would naturally want a more committed relationship, or wouldn't be doing it at all, given the choice?

I can understand if you aren't into that, but I don't see the leap from you not wanting that to it being prostitution if people who do enjoy it engage in it.

It's just yet another of the many different ways people can interact with one another, if they choose. It's no more wrong or right than any other sort of voluntary interaction (or lack of interaction).

Even if it was prostitution I don't see any good reason why prostitution should be illegal. It's your body--if you want to sell it for sexual gratification of yourself or someone else, what's wrong with that? So long as the parties involved are doing it voluntarily and are 18+, what's the big deal?

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FreeAndHappy
I have chosen to remain unmarried, and I hear bingos about that a lot (not necessarily directed toward me, usually people ignorantly criticizing someone else in my hearing). The most common are that if you don't marry someone, you're not really committed to them, and that if you find the "right one", you'll want to marry them (sounds a lot like if you find the right one, you'll want to have a baby with them). Marrying someone obviously doesn't prove that you're committed to them... but more importantly, why should that level of commitment be considered a good thing?

I've gotten the bingos too, and the most recent one was a guy who caused me to nearly see red and want to absolutely throttle the guy saying it. It was at work, and he said something along the lines of, "Well in order to reach the level of [promotion] I think a person should have to have a wife and kids. If you don't, you just don't understand the family dynamic and that can affect your job performance."

Umm.... excuse me?

Anyway, I think for whatever reason (and I don't know the reason) some married people feel very threatened by single people and/or childfree people. Not all married folks are like this--I have several married friends who aren't. But among the ones who are, I've found that these zealots use the LifeScript (TM) as a weapon to try and demean and bully people who aren't following in their footsteps. Understand that these people will NEVER respect you. You could earn multiple Ph.D's, and they won't give a shit. You can volunteer in your community, and they will scoff at you. You could save their lives... and they'd claim that as a single/childfree person you don't have much to risk anyway.

These people are absolutely TOXIC as I see it. Don't hang around them. Don't listen to them. And by all means, don't ever take their shit. From a political standpoint, it is of the utmost importance that these "family values" candidates (D or R) NEVER be elected.


And really folks, think long and hard about this. Think about my situation. If this guy (who is actually a fairly well respected guy in the workplace) was willing to say out loud in a public area to my face, basically, "YOU, despite your stellar evaluations, advanced education, and years of experience, should NEVER be promoted because you don't follow the Life Script"... well, try to imagine what these kinds of people are saying about us behind closed doors.

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Banshee
And laying naked right next to a hot, sweaty naked human body with that damp baybee-causing organ

THIS is the way I started to feel as soon as menopause kicked in. For some reason, human bodily fluids suddenly became disgusting to me, and the thought of even looking at a porn movie make me want to puke. Sex does nothing for me. Nada. Absolutely nothing. And of course, dh immediately chimes in with, "you don't loooove meeee anymore, that's why you don't like sex." Um, honestly, if Mr. Clooney happened to make a move on me, I'd decline. I'm just not interested in sex anymore. I am almost positive that it's a menopausal/hormonal thing; regardless, I REFUSE to go through any kind of therapy over it - it's not worth it to me. To me, sex is just sex - it's not the main component of a marriage (though dh seems to think it is among the top of the list.) Getting along, communication, LISTENING to what the other person has to say, respecting each other... that's really tantamount in a good marriage. The grunting and groaning of sex is just a little side component of a marriage.

I've spoken to a few friends of mine who are menopausal and they basically are feeling the same way about sex, though one of them even says that it's actually painful for her.

As for "Friends With Benefits." I don't think it falls under the category of prostitution... some people just prefer to have ONE "fuck buddy" whom they trust and as long as both parties agree upon no strings attached, it's ok. For them. What other people do behind closed doors, in the bedroom, really doesn't bother me, unless of course, they're whory teenagers who keep getting pignant so us CF taxpayers can support their skanky asses and their little wastes of oxygen.

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StudioFiftyFour

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yurble

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Banshee
Hate to be blunt and cynical, but "friends with benefits" sounds a bit like prostitution for free.

If both parties are gaining sexual satisfaction out of it, and no money is exchanged, where is the prostitution? Or is the implication that of course only one of the partners is gaining sexual satisfaction out of it, and the other person would naturally want a more committed relationship, or wouldn't be doing it at all, given the choice?

I can understand if you aren't into that, but I don't see the leap from you not wanting that to it being prostitution if people who do enjoy it engage in it.

It's just yet another of the many different ways people can interact with one another, if they choose. It's no more wrong or right than any other sort of voluntary interaction (or lack of interaction).

Even if it was prostitution I don't see any good reason why prostitution should be illegal. It's your body--if you want to sell it for sexual gratification of yourself or someone else, what's wrong with that? So long as the parties involved are doing it voluntarily and are 18+, what's the big deal?

Prostitution is legal where I live. I'm not arguing against prostitution--as far as I'm concerned, that is a completely different discussion--but against characterizing relationships where both parties find sexual satisfaction as prostitution.

To me describing fuck buddies as prostitution implies that one party (generally the woman) isn't really getting an equal amount of sexual enjoyment out of it, and is therefore being compensated in other ways or is being disadvantaged by the situation. That perception seems to me to be influenced by the old lie that women don't like sex. (Of course some people of either sex do not enjoy sex, but it seems sexist to generalize by saying that women don't like it and men do.)

Sometimes I think of what I have going on with my next door neighbor as friends with benefits, but I don't consider it prostitution at all. First of all, no money changes hands and when we do something together that costs, like we did a couple of weeks ago when we got Chinese food, we split the bill in half or when he had Thanksgiving dinner together, we each contributed to it equally.

As for friendship, he's a great friend, someone I can talk to, someone who helps out when I need it, and I reciprocate that. We talk about things with each other we don't talk about with anyone else. He understands I don't want children, and I respect the fact he has made that choice as well. He says many women near our age group are panicking that they haven't had a child and are just looking for someone to breed with and pay to support it, something he doesn't want.

As for the sex part of it, he's the best partner I've ever had. He's more open minded and willing to try different things than some others I've been with over the years. I always enjoy it with him, and he says he does with me too. I'm lucky to have such a good CF friend.

Tonight is our owners' association Christmas party and we plan to go together. We probably won't win the decorating contest, but the party is always nice, as we get to meet our neighbors and have a good time. I plan to invite him back to my place afterward for a little eggnog and a little fun:sx.

Whether or not this will go any further, I don't know, but I like it as it is.

Donna Four Eleven

I think FWB can vary so much in the nature of the relationship. Some FWBs only do THAT and don't really have a real friendship otherwise (simply F-buddies). While others seem to have as much emotional investment as a traditional relationship. To me having the latter would be perfect. I would not want to change it. I would however, like to see the laws changed so that someone other than a legal spouse can be assigned ALL the same rights and status as a spouse.

I don't think FWB is prostitution any more than marriage or any other relationship that involves sex. It depends on the people involved and their motives. I can't see any reason why a person would continue a FWB relationship if they were not deriving pleasure from the B part of it. Then it would be simply friendship or buddies or perhaps nothing at all.